People will often say
That those who have trouble
Letting others in
Are "guarded".

And maybe that's true
In most cases.
They wear an emotional
Suit of armor
And build imaginary walls
Around their hearts.

I also have trouble
Letting people get close.
But I would not,
In any circumstances,
Say that I am "guarded".

To call someone "guarded"
Insists that they are protected,
Safe from harm.
That's where the word loses its
Relevance to me.

I am not protected.
Not in the slightest.
I wear no suit of armor
And have no walls
Around my heart.

I'm as vulnerable as a baby deer
Who's lost it's mother
And broke it's leg.
I am susceptible
To any and all types of injury.

I am not safe from harm
Or impervious to heartbreak.
In fact,
I'm fragile.
My heart is brittle
And will break as easily as glass.

I have trouble letting people in,
But I am by no means "guarded".
I have trouble letting people in
Because I am extremely unguarded.

I am not protected or safe,
But I am evasive.
Which is probably
The smartest thing to be,
For people like me.

I run from danger
And emotional intimacy
Because I know
I'm too frail
To handle being mistreated
Or left alone.

After letting myself fall
Over and over again,
I've learned that love
Is not worth the pain
It inevitably causes.

I am done risking
My delicate soul
To feel close to someone.
At least for now,
I don't want to love
Or be loved by anyone.

For now,
I'm still recovering.
I'm still learning how to live
With myself and without the
Infatuation of someone
Who will most likely end up
Being nothing but a memory.

I won't correct you
If you call me "guarded".
But those who do not wish
To be emotionally close
Are not always so hardened.
Sometimes they're soft
And scared of the world around them.

These summer days
Are so strange.
There's so much silence
That I wish was sound.

I've always craved quiet
But it's different now.
Something about quiet
Makes me uneasy.

I'm trying to stay busy,
Occupied,
Distracted from all the quiet
That's laughing at me.

Maybe I need noise
Because in silence
My mind demands to be heard.
And I do not want to listen.

I do not want to listen
To what whispers echo
Throughout my skull
When there's nothing stimulating
My attention.

I've heard them before
And I have no interest
In being held hostage
By what feels like
A foreign voice.

I refuse to follow
My diseased train of thought.
It will only lead me
Into wars
And off cliffs.

So I will make noise
By any means necessary.
I will scream songs
I don't know the lyrics to.
I will play my guitar
Even if it's out of tune.

I will listen to a comforting voice
With a mesmerizing face.
I will smoke until
The silence is friendly.
I will paint
And become enthralled by colors
That only have examples
And no names.

I want my days to be
Loud and
Vibrant.
No more dull
Silence.

My hands have betrayed me.
Once the means to write pages,
Now my hands are only dead weight.

My hands won't pick up a pen.
Or even type short,
Choppy sentences.

They dangle at my sides
And find refuge in my hair,
Leaving me bleeding.

Like my hands,
My mouth has declared itself
My enemy.

Once the passageway for words
To explain myself,
My mouth is now as useful as a broken bridge.

With nothing of value to say,
It talks  
And sings anyway.

It opens without my permission
But stays closed whenever I try
To scream meaning.

The inability to illustrate
Or translate my mind
And my soul
Is not an unfamiliar ordeal.

But it's lonely on the outside
And frustrating looking in.
It seems I'll always feel like an alien.

I think it's time
For me to close my eyes
And slip into the sleep
That I've always desired.

I think it's time
To say goodbye
To everything I've grown to know
And everything I'll have to let go.

I think it's time
To find out
Once and for all
What dreams may come.

Falling in love
Feels quite literally
Like a fall.

Like you're stable
And balanced,
Then the ground
You're standing on
Is ripped right out
From under your feet.

Traveling at a terrifying speed
Directly to solid ground,
You begin to ask yourself
"Who will catch me?".

If you're lucky,
You'll land in someones arms
And walk with them
Knowing that if the ground disappears again,
Your fall will be broken
By their embrace.

And if you're not lucky,
Well I'm happy to report
That your fall doesn't end
With a splat
And a ****** mess,
Even though you may wish
It did.

No, for those of us
Who don't land in someone's arms....
Well, we don't land at all.
Gravity keeps pulling
But you never touch
The ground.
We keep falling,
Racing through space
To what should be,
What we hope will be
Our demise.

I keep falling,
Fully aware that the person
Who could break my fall
Is not waiting for me
To come plummeting into their arms.
Who knows where they are.

It may take you a while
But when you realize
That no one is going to catch you,
You might as well relax
And enjoy the eternal
Skydive.

I know I should be sorry
I know I should feel bad
Because here I am doing the thing
I said I'd never do again.

I said I wouldn't hurt myself
But that's been ******* all along.
The only thing that kept me clean
Was knowing that if I slipped
I'd be hurting more than just me.

But now I'm sitting here
Like I have so many times
Tearing at my skin
For a glimpse
Of sweet relief.

In the grand scheme of things
A few small scrapes
Doesn't make a difference.
It's nothing dangerous
And it's not hurting anyone
It's just a way for me to silence
The monsters in me.

I don't care anymore
About taking care of me
I'll do what I want
Even if it kills me.
I'll do what I want
Even if it means
ruining nine months
Of a fleeting fantasy

It's all much too
Loud.
The world going by me
Is much too
Noisy.

There's already a consistent scream
Inside of me.
The last thing I need
Is to be in this world
With too many
Sounds.

So I hide
In my room all day.
I hide myself away,
Because when I hear
Everything that's happening outside,
How everything moves just fine,
I begin to lose my mind.

Why can't I move the same?
Why can't I become
Part of this well oiled machine?
I'll never fit into
The motions they all execute,
So I sit on the edge
Of their common reality
And watch it all turn.

I watch it
But it gets too much
It grows too loud
And now I have to hide again.
Hide myself from all the sounds
That start fires in my head.

Run
Little freak.
Run
Black sheep.

My ears are too sensitive
To be in anything but
Silence.
To be in anything but
Quiet.

The vibrations of the outside
Go in my sensitive ears
And amplify whatever is already
Being screamed in my
Tortured
Tormented
Time bomb
Mind.

Then they go to my eyes,
Well right behind
And build pressure
And pain
Until I have no choice but to
Cry.
Cry.
Little baby
Little freak
Little black sheep

i've been so lost
since we agreed
to go our separate ways.

it's only been two weeks
but I've lost count
of the number of classes
I've missed.

I've lost count
of the hours
I've spent laying in bed
trying to think of anything
but you.

i tried to go out
and make new friends,
but i only ended up rambling
about how much
i missed you.

I've lost count
of the number of times
in a single day
that my heart has broken
over you.

you said i seemed happy,
but i don't even know
what "happy" is.

i thought "happy"
was what i had with you.
and that's so far
from what i feel now.

how can i be happy
when all I've felt
for the last two weeks is
lost.

im lost without you
and i wish it wasn't true.
because this lost feeling
is how i know
that i always did
and i always will
love you.

How is that possible?
To have a voice so sweet?
Just when you speak to me,
Without any special meaning,
You could sing me to sleep.

Every word has a chime
As it rolls off your tongue.
And when they fall together
As you read your poetry,
It becomes
Some of the most beautiful music
I've ever had the pleasure
Of hearing.

You must be an angel,
Because you have a voice
That could make any nonbeliever
Bow down and repent
If you read them aloud
A simple scripture.

That voice makes me blush
When you tell me sweet nothings.
I can't help but smile
And feel like a child
Who's heard the ocean
For the first time.

The waves crash
Just like your voice.
Beautiful creations
Crafted by nature,
That bring me ease
When I get the chance to listen.

I'm sorry I'm staring
But it's the best I can do,
When I'm this far away
And can't touch you
Or kiss you.

I'd believe anything
That came from your mouth,
That's why I blush when you tell me
That you think I'm pretty.
If you say it,
It must be true,
And I've never believed it
Until I heard it from you.

A voice so calming
Is a gift from heaven,
And God cannot create lies.
Now I have no choice
But to feel warm inside,
Because you spoke to me
With truths that I could never see
If it weren't from you.

All I want is to be loved
But I can never seem to get enough.

I lay here alone
Wondering still
Why I have this trench
That nothing can fill?

I search for what I want
And I think it is found
But when darkness falls
I can't hear a sound.

No "I love you" 's,
No reassuring words
No utterance of peace
And, my god, it hurts.

I just want to feel
Like everything's okay
Like I don't have to die
At the end of every day.

What am I missing?
What else do I need,
To finally silence
My endless plea?

I'm begging again
Just to know someone cares.
I need some security
Because I'm constantly scared.

No more sweet nothings,
No romancing kiss.
Where is the love
That I so dearly miss?

Can't you see me dying
For your cathartic embrace?
Can't you see the pain
Written on my face?

I'm a fragile soul,
And I hate that I'm this way
Because I need you always
I need you to stay.

I wish I didn't care
I wish my heart was dead
But after being beaten and broken
It searches for life instead.

I want to be happy
And I want to be free.
I don't want to drown
In this dark lonely sea.

But the waves are all around
And tide is pulling me under.
This storm is so strong
I am deafened by thunder.

I've been fighting it all
For what feels like a thousand years
But it's just my luck
That the sea grow deeper with my tears.

But I can't stop crying
I couldn't if I tried.
I couldn't if my stupid heart stopped
And I finally died.

I'll create oceans from my grave
And the earth will drown,
All because I lived my life
With an eternal frown.

The water will rise
And fill in slowly.
This is my revenge on earth
For leaving me lonely.

Even after the flood
My heart won't stop beating
And it won't forget the love
That it will not stop needing.

How sorry I will be
That I have killed you all.
I will be so sorry
That I will continue to bawl.

So someone please love me
Like I need to be loved
Before the earth is doomed
By my broken hearted gloom.

All I want
Is to be wrapped
In your love.
Cover me with
Your safety
So I can finally
Rest easy.

Please let me
Hold onto you.
I'm so far from calm
And so close to the edge,
But holding you close
Brings me home again.

You'll never understand
What it's like for me.
I'm the one who cares too much,
Always have been
Always will be.

I love you so deeply
And I love you so
Unconditionally,
That I'm afraid my love
Won't stop
Even when you've had enough.

I sing your name in my sleep
And my hands wander
In search of yours.
Where are you now?
I need you here.

I love you so much,
That I cry because it hurts.
It hurts to know i'm trapped
In your binding curse.

I cry because I know
That I'm a pathetic mess
And you're so perfect
That your picture
Won't leave my head.

You're too good for me
And every one can see
That I'm just a freak
And you're a masterpiece.

I'm just an admirer
Lost in your light.
It's so bright
It keeps me up at night.

Please tell me you love me
The same way I love you
Even if it's a lie
Even if it will never be true.

I love you like an addict
Loves getting high.
I love you like the moon
Loves changing tides.

I know you'll never love me
With the pain that  
I love you.
But you could at least try
To pretend that you do.

You haven't even left yet
And I'm drowning in my tears.
My love is so complete
It fills me with fear.

I'm so terrified
That one day you'll be gone.
You'll be happy
And I'll never
Move on.

You'll find a girl
Who'll never love like me.
But at least she's normal
And not an emotional freak.

At least she's pretty
And at least she's sane,
But her love will never
Be as true as mine.

So please let me hold you
While I still have time,
Because I know when I blink
You'll no longer be mine.

You'll be tired of me
And all my insanity.
You'll leave even though
You promised you loved me.

You said you wanted a future
With me.
And you said I'm the first one
To make you believe
That love doesn't have to hurt.

My love will always hurt
Because my heart is fragile.
So please handle with care.
Let it down gently
To avoid further breaking.

What am I saying?
It's already broken
Because I can see the future
And I can see the truth.
I'll never be good enough
For you.

I can see you walk away
As I begin to die.
I can see you letting go
Every time
I close my eyes.

I'm sorry I'm like this,
I know I'm too much.
I know I'm too ****** up
For someone to ever love.

The Dancers in Black

Her dress was black and the shape resembled a flower. Satin off-the-shoulder sleeves sat elegantly against her ivory white skin. A plain black bodice and a plain black skirt, not too puffy but not form fitting. It was a simple dress, but she stood out from all the lavishly decorated girls that attended the ball. Her pale skin made her black dress look like a painting on a pure white canvas. A few black curls fell from her crown-like updo and brushed against her neck; giving her beauty an effortless essence.
Soon after she entered the grand doors, a man approached her. He was older, but not too old. Maybe ten years her senior.
“You are breathtaking, it would be an honor to dance with such a beauty.”
A small grin curled her lips as she took the hand he extended to her. They danced wonderfully in the ballroom. They swayed together like a tree in the wind, his branches twisting with hers. Her black dress melted with his black coat and trousers and they became one beautiful black bird, floating and gliding freely.
The rest of the guests froze, watching the couple in a trance. The room fell silent, even the musicians were hypnotized by the dancers’ grace. The couple continued to dance through the silence, seemingly unaware of their surroundings. Their gaze was locked, transcending reality as they stared into each other’s eyes. They were somewhere else, transported by their dance. An unfamiliar world was created between their eyes that grew and spread like a halo around their interlocked frames.
The guests were not amazed, not horrified, they were not anything. The feeling of Nothing swept over them like a dusting of light snow. Nothing seeped into their hearts the longer they watched the dancers. This Nothingness would be with them until the end of time.
The King entered the ballroom confused the the silence and the stillness.
“What are you doing? I don’t pay you so my guests can stand around in boredom.”
The musicians resumed playing and the guests went back to dancing. Men looked for the beauty in the black dress and women searched for the man in the black coat. They seemed to have disappeared. No woman or man in black could be found.
The guests danced and carried on their night like they would any other. But they could not forget the dancers and the Nothingness that was left in their hearts.
As the night came to an end, and the guests began to leave, the image of the dancers in black haunted their minds. They left through the grand doors like sand falls through an hourglass, consistent and calm until the room was empty. No one spoke of the event, but there was a sense of understanding among the guests. They all saw the event, they all felt the Nothingness that remained, and they all agreed it was best not to dwell on the matter.
They would think about the dancers in black every day. Every man and woman, and lord and peasant who saw the dancers would carry on life with Nothingness inside them and the curious beauty of the dance in their memory. Each one trying not to think about it because they knew that just the notion of that night would cause them to fall into the same trance they fell to in the ballroom. How odd it is to ignore a memory, all while knowing it will never be forgotten. How strange it must be to lie to yourself and know the truth cannot be denied. They shut away their knowledge of the dance so they could continue living life in the facetious way they had before.  
One of the guests was a poet. He could not carry on like the others. He could not ignore the Nothingness. After the ball, his writing became only repeated attempts to understand the dancers. And to understand why they made him feel so uneasy. His attempts failed over and over again for years, until the poet had nearly given up. After hundreds, maybe thousands of discarded rough drafts, the poet wrote his last sentence. He wrote it and never again felt the need to pick up a pen. It was simple and short, and everything he had been looking for.
“I saw Death, and it was beautiful.”

I'm smarter than
Most people i know,
But i've been cursed
With the ability to
Feel.

I have a multitude of thoughts
Being triggered every second.
Each with their own
Unique emotion.

I feel each one vividly,
And with amazing depth
Creating a storm in my head
Impossible to ignore.

My storm of emotions
Grows so strong,
It prevents the simultaneous thoughts
From being articulated
Or understood.

I can confuse myself,
And break my own heart
Because of the complexity
Of my mind.
An astounding talent, really.

My dad says I'm smart,
Too smart for my own good.
And he's probably right.

What good is a brain,
When your heart makes all the decisions?

Maybe when my weak heart
Finally fails
Maybe when death
Takes me into the dark
I'll find you on the other side

They told me heaven
Is the ideal setting for your happiness.
And I have a feeling
My setting will have you
My love

In this world
We may never meet again
But I wait for the day
Death takes me to you

Our souls will break
From our earthly limitations
And finally my half
Will melt with yours
And balance will be restored

In another life
I'll have you
I just pray you'll have me too

I didn't want to open my eyes. The sight of him made me sick. I hated his short, hairy legs. I hated his eyes. They looked at me with sadness, but sadness couldn't hide the evil that stared at me. I hated the way they looked hollow and dark when he took his glasses off. I hated his beard. It scratched my skin when he tried to kiss me. And when he thrusted his lips at mine, hoping i wouldn't run.

I hated his hands the most. His hands radiated with his disgusting desire. Every time he touched me, from the day we first met, i knew something was wrong. Maybe i was just being too "closed off". Thats what my dad always said when i didn't let him hug me. When he touched me, i could see his hands for what they really were. Slimy tentacles, lusting for their prey.

I should have seen it coming, the things his hands did. They hit me. I saw stars and my ears rang. They scratched me. The marks would be there for days. They gripped my throat so tight i could feel my life slipping away as my vision went dark. He released just before i passed out, letting me breathe.

Sometimes i wish he had kept choking me. I wished he had killed me that day, putting an end to my torture.

All the pain and lack of oxygen made me weak. Too weak to try to fight. He was bigger and stronger. And i was just a battered little girl, terrified and trapped. I couldn't get away. And who would hear me if i screamed? We were alone and i was pretty sure he'd keep hurting me if i tried. He restricted my breathing every time i made a sound.

So i just laid there. I closed my eyes, pretending i was dead. I waited for it to be over, trying to **** my mind. I didn't want to feel a thing. I didn't want to be there. If i could somehow slip into death in my head, i wouldn't have to be here anymore. Killing myself in my head was the only escape from my terrible reality.

It was over and he drove me home. He tried to talk to me. He tried to reassure me that everything was okay and i wasn't a bad person.
"Don't feel guilty, he doesn't have to know." He kept talking but i was silent. In an emotionless trance, my face was still and unexpressive. Tears came slowly and silently. They rolled down my stone cheeks, my statue of a face.

What just happened? Did he forget the events of the last hour? Did I?
"Don't feel guilty. He won't know."
Had i just cheated on my boyfriend? What have i done?

He made me think that i was the one to blame. I'm a ****. *****. Disgusting cheater. What did i do? I hate myself. I deserve to die.

I knew the truth. I knew what happened. I knew what he did and i knew how horrible it felt. So how was he able to convince me that this was my fault? Was it because i didn't want to think about that word? ****.

No, i had not been *****. I cheated and I'm a horrible person. He means the world to me and i am a horrible ****. That's what i told myself. And didn't tell anyone else anything about cheating or ****. It's a terrifying word. Once the reality is seen.

Everyone says
True love is painful.
But the key is finding someone
Who is worth the pain.

You hurt me in ways
That your "love"
Could never make up for.

He loves me in ways
That heal the scars you made.

Pill number nine.
My head is pounding
And the room is spinning so fast,
I'm not sure which way is up.
My stomach is churning,
I can barely keep it's contents from
Making an appearance.
Nine, you better be worth this.

Pill number ten.
I can't take you.
I know the doctor said tonight,
But nine has me so sick
The thought of swallowing another pill
Just makes me gag.
You'll get your chance tomorrow.

It's a darkness that surrounds you.
It covers your eyes,
And swims in your ears.
To keep you from seeing light,
Or hearing laughter.

Instead you see everything
In a dull and dark way.
Colors are no longer vibrant,
And lines seem to be blurred.
There is no more beauty in a sunset,
Or majesty in the ocean.
It's just water now.

And every sound is muffled now.
You can't differentiate your favorite song
From any other anymore.
The sound of laughter is more bitter than sweet.
Every song is the same bleak humm.
And laughter just makes me wish I was deaf.

The darkness even dulls touch.
A kiss doesn't make your heart beat fast anymore.
And contact seems nauseating.
A kiss is just a reminder
That nothing good lasts.
And most other interaction makes my skin crawl.

But now the darkness is in your brain.
In here, sometimes it's not dull at all.
Sometimes the darkness
Takes the shape of a monster.
A monster that whispers terrible things
And just gets louder when you try not to listen.
Sometimes the darkness
Feels like war inside your mind.

But yes, again, the darkness is dull.
Sometimes there is no monster,
No war,
And no yelling at all.
Sometimes when the darkness gets in your mind,
It becomes a silence.
I can't make out a clear thought,
Because all there is
Is silence.
The darkness takes the shape
Of death.
The silence, the nothingness of death.
And it becomes part of you,
Making your mind nothing but silence
And nothingness.

But the worst part about the darkness
Is my inability to communicate its existence.
I can't make anyone understand
The many shapes it can take.
How it can be torturous and loud
But comfortable just the same.

It's easy to talk about the monster,
Because it's something foreign and
Something present.
But everything else,
The dullness of senses
And the silence it becomes,
Can't be expressed.
Because in these forms,
The darkness is absence of life.
It's absence of color,
Sound,
Touch,
And thought.

And it's so hard to paint a picture
Of something that isn't even there.
I can paint a picture of a monster
With ****** teeth and devilish eyes.
But I cannot paint the nothingness
The darkness so often is.

And to me, nothingness is the most dangerous.
I can fight a monster.
But I cannot fight nothing.
Nothingness will swallow you.
It will take over your senses
And thoughts,
And eventually will to live.

Life is colorful.
Life should be loud.
Life should be funny.
And sometimes painful.
But when the silence,
The nothingness arrives,
There is no color.
There is no sound.
No laughter.
Or even pain.
There is no life at all.

Here it comes again.
The "i think we should just be friends."
The "i can't do this right now."

I told you from the start.
I told you how
Whenever I opened my mouth
And let the thoughts come rolling out,
I was alone all over again.
Just me and my thoughts.

I told you why
I hold back the truth.
I hold back
The thoughts that could **** me.
Because no one wants to hear that.

But you said you would listen,
You told me to come to you.
And you'd always be there to hold me
When the thoughts came back.

I slowly started to believe you,
I let you see my cry.
I let you hold me like you said you would,
And your arms felt like home.

Something has changed,
Like you took back
All that you said.
Last night when I cried
Your arms didn't feel like home.
But it was like I was holding onto
Someone I don't even know.

What happened to your open ears?
When I told you my thoughts
I felt coldness in you.
Like your presence was telling me
"Just shut up."

Now you see what I mean
When I say i'm a burden.
I'm just something people
"deal with".
Until they get tired
Of listening to me cry.

I'm sorry
If my pain is inconvenient.
I'm sorry
That i'm a mess.
But you knew what you signed up for
When you said
What you said.

So hear I am,
Burden Girl.
Like Superman's
Suicidal sister.
I'm the disaster
He tries to clean up.
But I'm the best
At creating a mess.

They all just say
"I'm here for you."
But they always run
When they see the truth.

A word that bites.
It burns my ears
Whenever whispered.
It leaves a sour aftertaste
When I let it escape my lips.

A word that lives
And breathes on its own.
It can pick up a pen
And write itself out
With ink in whatever color it pleases.

I’ve seen it in red,
It wrote itself quickly.
Red like lips
That left their poison kiss
Burning like fire on my cheeks and wrists.

Not the kind that warms
Or gives light to the dark.
It’s a fire that starts behind your eyes
Than burns your body whole.
Red like my blood spilled after the ****.

I saw it in white,
Well I didn’t see it at all.
White ink won’t show
On white paper.
It wrote itself in a lie.

When in white
It’s used to disguise.
Trying to cover spilled black ink.
Covering the face of evil,
It was only a manipulative excuse.

It’s written itself out again;
Now slowly and in blue.
And blue is not an excuse.
It won’t use me until it’s tired
Then cut me and burn me like fire.

Blue is calm.
Blue wraps me in his arms.
Blue holds me
Until the storm passes.
Blue is the color it should be.

This word comes in so many colors.
It can be as red as it’s victim’s blood, Or a white lie.
But the only love I need is blue
And the only one who can write it is you.

you can't make a flower grow
by telling it you love it,
by telling it it's beautiful.

a flower will continue to wither away,
even if you keep saying "I'm here for you."
when winter comes and the flower begins to die,
telling the flower "it gets better" won't warm the temperature.

don't try to nurture a flower you picked.
it will never be safer in your hands,
than it was in the grass.
flowers will dry when you rip them from the roots.

don't look at a brown flower,
and ask it "whats wrong".
it wouldn't tell you
even if it could talk.

don't lie to the flower
and say "its going to be okay"
because you put it in a vase.
the flower knows its not the same.

don't bother saying "you're not alone"
because flowers die all the time,
it already knows.
the flower is still on its own.

you can't glue the petals back on,
after you've plucked them all for a game.
she probably doesn't love you,
and the flower is not to blame.

you can't straighten out the stem,
after you've stepped on it in passing.
it will always be bent
even if you repent.

"i didn't mean to" means nothing to a flower
after you leave it in the dark.
it doesn't matter what you've said,
the flower is already dead.

a withered and dry flower,
will not stand up and turn green
just because you love it.

these things are simple facts,
its how nature works,
and nature will never love you back.

i know you're really trying,
and doing everything you can.
but without water and sun,
the flower will keep dying.

i've tricked them once again
i made them believe that everything was fine.
******* I'm good,
even after all this time.

i'm too good at lying to myself,
I'm too good at pushing away the pain.
and even tricking myself
into believing I'm okay.

you're telling me to breathe
but my throat keeps closing.
you tell me to sleep,
but every night is darkness without dreams.

how am i supposed to write,
without spilling blood on the page.
but this is my job now,
and i need a decent grade.

like forcing a bird to sing for food,
you're wringing me out.
my mind dripping to the floor,
i can't create beautiful things anymore.

i'm writing everything over again.
repeating
repeating
repeating myself.

what do you want me to say?
that everything will be okay?
you want me to make my own light,
give myself a nicholas sparks ending.  

because now I'm exposed,
I'm standing in front of you all.
and you can practically see the blood
dripping down my wrists.

with the world standing behind me,
its hard to keep my focus.
"make it pretty" she says,
"don't let them see you're already dead."

i can't turn tears to holy water,
or my own blood into wine.
i can't create beauty,
staring Darkness in the eyes.

You say i scare you.
Yet you are the lion,
And i am the lamb.
You have power enough to save me;
Then rip my heart to shreds.

It will be hard for me to let you in,
Because i've met so many lions before.
And i'm tired of being the lamb,
Of seeing all my blood
Spilled all over the floor.

But i can still be held at fault,
For i'm the one who's spilled the most blood.
I've used my own like paint,
To color my life bright red.
I needed some proof i wasn't dead.

I've even killed some lions,
But not without cause.
They couldn't see how they were slowly killing me.
I had to get away before it was too late.
I've made my mistakes and stayed.

I trust that you won't burn me,
Won't tear me limb from limb.
Apparently, i'm the lion to you.
But I'm just a weak lamb,
Afraid to die at your hands.

If i never let you see
How fragile i really am,
Maybe you can't hurt me;
Maybe you'll think you're the lamb.
And i'll look stronger than i am.

I don't know if you've seen my scars,
The aftermath of war.
I hope to god they don't scare you,
I'm not fighting anymore.
At least not now.

It seems I've slipped some rhymes in,
I guess thats what you do to me.
Once again the words found me easy.
You've given me the color to paint my empty canvas,
I just hope it won't be red.

I want to love you
But I know I'm gonna die.
It's always been a dream
To die by your side.
Holding hands as I slip away,
I'm sorry that I couldn't stay.

You've done me wrong
And I can see that now.
But I still feel you here somehow.
Like drugs in my blood,
What have you done?
Your face flashes before my eyes,
Even months after I've said goodbye.

The nights I don't sleep,
I'm thinking of you.
This bed could be my tomb.
Cuz I'm dying here,
This was always my fear.

That one day you'd be too far gone,
And I live every day in your song.
Under your spell,
I guess you know me too well.
You know I could never stay away,
That's why you don't ever beg me to stay.

You know I'll be back,
But I'm scared that I won't.
Then you'll move on,
And I pray you don't.
Don't find someone new,
Because I'll never really get over you.

You were the first,
And I pray you'll be the last.
I don't know how,
But I'm trying to come back.

You made me sick with pain,
I nearly went insane.
But that's how love works,
It catches you; then it hurts.

And you're worth it all,
Every ache that made me fall.
On my knees screaming,
To whatever God will listen,
"Please make the pain fleeting".

So I let be,
And I let God take me.
Hoping he takes me to you.

I swing my sword
At the monster inside me.
But the blade has been blunted,
It's dull and cannot ****.
What is a warrior without her sword?
Joan of Arc without her horse?

Stripped of my valor,
In the middle of war.
I do not have the means to fight anymore.
Left bare to the sun.
Where arrows can pierce
And daggers can jab.

Trying to create an image,
Which seemed so vivid before.
All my paint is dull
And all my canvas broken.
What is an artist without his brush?
Van Gogh without his hands?

The pain he must feel
When losing his only muse.
He lives through art,
So dies if he cannot paint.
I live through words,
I die if I cannot write.

Now god you've taken my legs.
How do I live,
When I cannot stand.
I fear I've lost my only light.
I fear I'm out of muse.
With nothing more to say.

Like a warrior without her sword.
Van Gogh without his hands.
My words are my legs,
And I cannot stand.

Fabricated.
Fictitious.
A fake floating feeling
Falls short
Of my fleeting fantasy.

This insidious infirmity
Isn't what I intended.
I've been inflicted
With internal indisposition.
In need of an ideal identity.

Who am I without
This ****** to make me whole?
How do I heave my heart
Away from this hole?
Have you seen how hard this is?

But it's been short of a year,
Of believing I can simply be.
And before I break
Bleed me of my bane.
And for me, bear no malice.

Tightly take me
Away from my terible tempest.
Time tells me it's time to stop.
Too long I've tortured my tenemet.
Tame the tantrum tearing through me.

Sober seems strong,
But it's systematic survival.
Stopping the surrender
To something stimulating.
Learning to stand sedated.

No I'm no longer numb.
No longer neglecting my need
For new novcane.
Knowing I'll never need
This vaccine again.

You are all my ambition.
Dispelling my ailments
And afflictions.
I am hard to adore, I know.
You are my new addiction.

You have me dreaming,
Praying we are real.
Made me feel.
Don't decieve my brittle belief.
Keep me, don't leave.

I'm not the kind to fly.
For you i'd try to dive.
Unafraid I might die.
I don't hide from the night.
This is what I've been trying to find.

Cold, unforgiving.
My soul froze in time.
I gave love its last chance,
And clocks stopped.

The big hand contorted,
To mock my closing veins.
The small just pointed
And laughed in my face.

So I shattered all the timepieces,
Forbidding me to count the seconds alone.
In an hourless world,
I lost faith in hope.

The walls as my best friend.
My bed the only lover.
I'm content in waiting
For my torturous life to be over.

But you found me
Wrapped in passing seconds.
Prisoner to tic tic
Pacing in my head.

Where my skin
Tasted of decay.
And my claws retired
From scratching at the gates.

Given up on fighting,
Satisfied with thousand pound lungs.
A half timed beating,
Beneath my hollow ribs.

My souls began to thaw,
Clocks began to move.
All from your touch,
All from your air.

The big hand straightens.
And the small silences itself.
Opening my veins.
No more comically mocking my pain.

Your gentle hands piece together,
All the pieces I shattered.
Back to counting
All the seconds I'm alive.

My walls become acquaintances.
You replace my bed.
I'm not waiting,
This life won't end.

No longer bound
By the song of passing time.
Free from "tic toc",
It's a little less crowded in my head.

Warmth returns to my skin.
My hands click awake.
Not ready to scratch,
But to create.

There is no fight to give up.
Air quickly lifts my lungs.
There's a full paced beating,
Inside my glowing chest.

All because you touched me.
You kissed me.
With a calm fear,
You woke me from my sleep.

I'm toxic,
And you're too close.
You're closing in,
On a dangerous thing.
Bring a shield,
Or some protective gear,
Because my radiation
Has a radius of countless miles.

You're diving in,
To the deepest parts of me.
And I'm scared you'll leave.
Everyone runs,
When they see that I'm ****** up.
But I'm hoping you'll stay,
If only for just one more day.

You've heard the distant shots
Of war.
But I'm hesitant
To show you my wounds.
The scars I collected,
They're a terrible sight.
But I'm addicted to war,
Like a traumatically stressed warrior.

To be scared,
It keeps me alive.
To fear my own mind.
To worry I might die.
This is how I survive.
What a way to live,
On the edge of falling words.

But I need to feel the burn,
The stinging sensation.
Keeping quiet,
Keeps me busy.
Fire keeps me on my feet.
Running in circles,
The tiring race
Is better than defeat.

When I told you to leave
I meant please just stay with me
I don't want to go back
To feeling so alone
But you left me on my own

The first time I ever saw you cry
And I thanked God you were mine
But the fear came on fast
I couldn't even say goodbye
How did it feel to see me die

If I open my mouth
I'll only beg for love
So I sit here quiet
Catching my breath
There's so many things
I wish I had said

You lingered here for a while
At the bottom of my steps
How did it feel
Leaving me with nothing left
Did it **** you inside
Did it make you feel alive

I hope you can't sleep
I hope my face stays stuck in your head
I hope you take back all the things you said
You come running back and begging for me

But your probably moving on
Like we never happened
Like we never met
I bet you wish you never said hello
I hope it hurts to watch me go

I hope you can't breathe
When you see me happy
I hope you choke
On the thought of me with someone else
You had once chance
Your ruined it for yourself
Don't bother coming back

With both of us standing
Infront of the guillotine,
Why did you take her
Instead of me?

I'm trying to find the reason.
Why did I deserve to live?
What kept me here
And took her away?

I'm not even close
To deserving half a life.
But she did nothing wrong,
Still she's the one you took.

Maybe it's survivors guilt,
And maybe i'm being stupid.
But I don't understand,
Why God would take a soul like hers
And leave me to live.

The color of calm,
Sound of a blue canvas.
All the shades of ease,
Cover me in blue.

It's not cold,
Or sad.
It wraps me up,
And whispers to me.
How soft,
How silent.

There's loud silence,
And quiet.
The loud lives in my shaking hands.
But keeps me unable to speak,
Only loud inside my sewn mouth.

The quiet will not restrict my words,
But leaves me without any at all.
The quiet slows my heart,
The quiet keeps me still.
Sends silence through my veins,
And all is blue.

I get this feeling,
It sinks through my spine.
Sits in my bones.
Like an unwanted guest,
And I, the unwilling host.

The intruder finds its way to my feet.
Making my toes curl,
And tap.
Restlessly twitching,
As if ready to run.
But I'm not ready for anything.

My hands do the same.
Hard to hold anything,
With this earthquake
Terrorizing my body.
Cold and uneasy,
They cling to each other.

Is it just a chemical,
Artificial affliction?
Or a symptom,
Of all lost direction?
Where do I put
All this misplaced disruption?

Now find the pieces,
Paint the picture.
Find some reason
In this sloppy meter.
My understated explanation.

Pill one was bad,
It made me sick.
Didn't work too well.
The zombie i became,
Drove some away.
It made the monsters multiply.
I spent my days in bed,
Too tired to move.
But lighting would strike my lips,
If I dare stop.

The next was heaven,
God lived in that pill.
Still on number one though,
It only added to my war.
See, number two had other uses.
I could take three and feel like flying.
I could crush it into dust,
And smell it's sweet high.
Pill number two got me really ******* high.

The crash from number two,
Pushed me to number three.
Withdrawal made me twitch,
Sent electricity through my veins.
Number three replaced two.
Still on one,
I hoped it would be the change.
It only made me fear for my life.
It killed my love,
Left me to die.

Doctor number two,
Please fix number one's mess.
He ****** me up bad.
But you listen to me.
You don't just write down symptoms,
And give me drugs when you tell me to leave.
Doctor two knows more about me than I do.

Take away number one,
She gave me number four.
I was a homicidal maniac.
My anger took over,
And violence seemed so lovely.
After some time this was all gone.
It did nothing to save me,
Didn't even try.
Doctor, this doesn't do ****.
It's left me drowning again.

Take away three.
Number four and five,
Now that's a combination.
Pill five stole my sleep,
And all desire to eat.
Food looked disgusting,
My heart beat quickened.
I couldn't stand still.
Now on four and five at the same time,
And starving,
I lost fifteen pounds.

Now add six.
Four, five, and six.
All at the same time.
What's happening to my body?
I've become a science project.
I felt all the chemicals in me.
Might as well have been poison,
Because six did nothing.
Like number four,
It didn't even try.

Take away four,
Give me number seven.
Now we have seven, five, and six.
It's too early to tell,
How seven will **** me up.
I don't feel human anymore,
Just chemicals with feet.
Seven, please save me.

keep me in mind
when I am hidden.
when I keep myself away,
from the burning light of day.  

It's burnt away my nerves,
I can't feel a thing.
Numb to the world,
but feeling in the cold.

I've said it a thousand times,
I'll say it a thousand more.
I'm not the type to laugh,
I'll always shut the door.

So the cold is where I stay,
I can't sleep when it's warm.
I feel myself on fire,
always starting a new war.

Oh sunshine,
please die.
stop mocking my frostbite,
stop torching all desire.

Why won't you listen?
have you no ears?
I've been this way since birth,
I'll be this way for years.

I told you I'm not human.
I'm not the way I should be.
the tundra behind my bedroom door,
it's swallowed me.

Please don't forget about me.
I'm dying to leave.
I'm dying for someone to reach out,
instead I'm dying from greif.

Let's build a fire,
not the kind that kills.
But to melt the ice,
that's been holding me against my will.

Rather, just let me burn.
I'll turn to dust,
I'll drift away,
It's all a deadly lust.

Don't let me run,
tie me tight.
I need the fire,
but I think I might die.

When there's nothing to do,
I'm held captive by my mind.
It won't let me forget,
How you looked with tears in your eyes.
How I couldn't even say goodbye

You say you'll still be here,
But it won't be the same.
You said whatever I need,
But what I need is to be held.
I need to believe everything's okay.

I hope it kills you when you think of me.
Cuz you've made it hard to breathe.
Every car I hear,
I pray to God it's you.
Coming to say you need me too

You're confused
Well I am too
I feel so stupid
An idiot for you.
Here I am, head over heels.
And there you are,
Making me wish I couldn't feel.

I don't blame you,
I'm a medicated mess.
But the drugs can't clean this up,
They can't make it go away.
Stay
Stay
I need you to stay

My stomach feels sick
My lungs too heavy.
Cure me please,
I'm not one to beg.
Come back,
Please stay.

My saving grace,
This holy place.
You vandalize my sanctuary,
And burn me into ash.

I know what you do,
I remember how we met.
It makes me sick,
To think you'd go back.

i showed you every part of me,
And all you did was leave.
How could this all change,
Just within a week.
The first real thing you've ever had,
And the last heartbreak I'll ever have.

I swear to god,
This won't happen again.
I swear on my life,
No one's getting in.

I tried so ******* hard,
To be the one.
To make you stay.
While your guilt eats you away,
Remember to hold your head.

I'm too young to be like this,
God save me.
I don't care how or when,
Please got just let it end.

I showed you every part of me,
Saw the scars.
Heard the screams.
How did this all change,
Please tell me what went wrong.
The first real thing you've ever had,
The last heartbeat I'll ever have.

So now I'm alone again,
Wishing we were more than friends.
You made me feel wanted,
With you I was home.
Now I'm begging you please,
Don't go.
I'm not good on my own.

This blindside,
It's knocked me off my feet.
You feel guilty,
I feel dead.
I never should have showed you,
What goes on in my head.
Dear god what's wrong with me?

What is it,
That makes everyone leave?
Is it the way that I look?
Do I talk in my sleep?
You say it's not me,
But I'm the one you're leaving.
We're crying in my room,
My cries have turned to screams.

So now I'm alone again,
Wishing this would end.
Torn between running back,
And never seeing you again.
How do you take back,
All those things you said?
You feel guilty,
I feel dead.

This is what's inside my head.
You feel guilty,
I feel dead.

I say I live as a burden,
My mouth sealed shut.
So that I may not utter the words,
Of my weighted thoughts.

These truths weigh a ton,
And I've far too many for just one head.
For even mine.
My head bobs to my shoulder,
Weakened necks can't hold this.

Now I'm shaking,
Trembling.
Because I gave you the rocks,
The stones that broke my neck.
And you are fading,
Drifting all at once.

Give me your boulders,
And we will be even.
Give me your mountains,
So I can rest easy.

My burdenous brain
Broken neck
Heavy thoughts

I never meant to break your neck too

This feels like dying
It feels like I'm ******* falling

I'm no good
I'm a monstrous mess
I'm a lifeless ghost
I'm a waste of space

The pounding in my chest has slowed
And I long for it to stop
The voices in my head are quiet
And I beg for them to scream
This pain has brought me to life
And I beg for it to end

My words aren't so pretty anymore
I've run out of beautiful ways
To say I want to die

i lost the words
i lost my will to speak
to divulge my mind
i can't scream the truths
that i once was so ready to exile
to the world
no longer allowed inside me

but i still have the red hands
the blood dripping from my finger tips
i still wish to take this blood
and make ink
and make it into peacefully profound truth

i'm so full with things to say
but these words can only come from my eyes
my mouth
my hands
they're useless now and i can't find a reason
the only way to even have a touch of solace
to let the blood red run down my cheeks
to let the red stain my skin
making it so painfully clear
that i'm still full of words
that i can't speak

What are you still doing here?
I told you to go.
I told you I can't come back home.
But you're still here,
In my bones.
In every atom.
When I said I was addicted,
I meant I was enslaved.
I meant to say I was yours,
You took me captive unknowingly.
And now I can't let it fade,
The comfort of your embrace.
It held me with you,
It captured me willingly.
And I belong to you,
And I always will.

I thought this was reality.
But a world bound by words can never be real.
We've created these words to explain the absurdity of our existence.
But no longer an explanation.
Now just a way of ignoring our fear of the pure real.
And ultimately, the absurdity of our mortality.
Iv found the world without words. I've found the horror we've been conditioned to hide from.
There are no words to tell you about this world.
If one was created, the real would lose its meaning,
And become only a word or a label to make sense of something you can't explain.

The entrance is marked by a path of fallen syllables,
that will serve no purpose in this world.
Leave your language on the road leading to the real.
Abandon your understanding of existence.
It will only crumble anyway.

This world of truth is mine.
Only I can experience it because I cannot communicate its existence.
I can't tell you how crippling the real feels.
It's a silent war of the mind and mouth.
The mind is dying for exodus of this experience.
But the mouth cannot divulge.
It has no frame work to put together.
It has no sounds that can build you my world.

Alone in this life.
Because no one can live it with me.
No one can feel what I feel, ever.
No one can live my exact life.
It makes me feel detached from every other human or object.
They can never truly enter my life or my world.
You cannot put yourself behind my eyes and see what I see.
Your perception is distorting my real.

Maybe your real is less terrifying. Maybe you don't have a real.
And I am envious.
Don't build your wordless world.
It only pushes me to see I will die alone.

Wake up
Wake up
I'm up
I'm up
I'm awake

Slipping in and out
Sober
High
Sober
High
I have to stay here

I have no thoughts
When I'm high
Sober
High
I'm up
I'm up
Wake up

I'm still just as lost,
But there's a light in the wood.
These days I haven't seen much sleep.
I'm at a loss of dreams.
But silence is better than my nightmares.
I'm still that drowning mermaid.
Now I'm learning to breathe.
The ships have sailed and I'll never reach shore.
Still, I'm addicted to the sting of the salt.
Can't swim but I can float,
Let this lingering shadow man carry me.
One day he may let me go,
For now this friend won't leave my side.

Now I'm meeting old friends too.
I was convinced my friends had left me.
It seems like a reunion in my room,
And I the unwilling host.
This room is crowded,
But at least I'm not lonely.
I want the light to burn them up,
You are only a spark.

If I abandon my room,
If I get lost I won't mind.
At least I'm free.
So I'll wait for my time,
When it's time to run.
My friends won't stop me.

Funny little thing is she,
She laughs at lightning in the storm.
And what most would see as torture,
She inflicts with pride and is not scared.
Her skin is sharp like broken glass,
And through her lover’s skin she tore.

Through her safest home she tore.
Stupid little girl is she.
They try to mend her broken glass
But the edges cause destruction of a storm.
Please don’t run, don’t be scared,
Don’t be a part of her torture.

Running love is her only torture,
Not pain that through her heart tore.
Distance leaves her crying scared,
Unable to control the fear in her.
Maybe she is the rain in the storm,
Shattering passing window glass.

Maybe she doesn’t mind the glass,
She doesn’t think this is torture.
And maybe it’s not a storm,
But a hurricane she tore
Out of her skin. She
Is no longer scared.

The distance does not make her scared.
Her skin is no longer broken glass.
Alive little girl is she.
Nothing more will be her torture.
She doesn’t need the lover she tore.
No longer does she hide from the storm.

Not sunny skies, but no more storm.
Not yet calm, but at least not scared.
Not yet healed, but not torn.
Maybe cracked, but not broken glass.
Some discomfort, but it doesn’t feel like torture.
Strong little girl is she.

Screaming insanely she tore herself out of this storm.
No one will say “she’s gonna lose it”. Because she somehow she is not scared.
It’s a mystery how she fixed her glass, or how she can still tolerate the torture.

My couch is a wasteland,
Pulls me down, I cannot stand.
It scares me that I’m drawn to gore,
I see destruction, I want more.
I don’t know if its anger,
Or if it’s something stranger.
I want to shatter glass,
I need to make this feeling pass.
I want to throw things and scream,
I want to get out of this dream.
Running isn’t satisfying,
I feel like I need to break something.

You’re annoying,
And offensive,
And loud,
And rude,
Yet entertaining,
And funny.
You’re thoughtful,
And deep,
And passionate,
And strong.

You keep me safe,
When my hope is gone.
You drive me crazy,
But keep me sane.
I lose sleep at night,
Because I can only think you’re name.

My mind is messy,
But you don’t care.
I need you,
Like my lungs need air.
I love your smile,
Your goofy laugh.
And how you let me play with your hair.

I know its hard right now,
Because you’re so far away.
But I promise,
It will all be better,
Some day.

What is this life?
I’m confused, where am I?
I don’t know what my purpose is.
Not yet.

I’m losing grip on deeper thoughts,
I wish to stand on war torn fronts,
I turn away from all I’ve fought.

I cannot mask my clear remorse,
Un-satiated hungry fear.
I must leave this to run its course,
My dusty bones are crumbling here.

I am a force to all I love,
A fearful storm that leaves no trail,
A burden they cannot hold up,
My storm, it carries hell and hail.

Slipping back into the sea,
My mind is lost inside of me.

Our mutual friend convinced me to spill my secrets to him. I had been holding back the truth because it seemed that every time I let its sour taste roll off my lips, I was once again left alone. But my therapist says I need to open up to people, to get rid of these “surface relationships”. So, for once in my life, I took the doctor’s orders.
I wasn’t planning for it to happen this way though. My mom dropped me off at his house and I opened the door to deafening Joy Division; (not that I minded but) I was taken by surprise. It went as usual to start, danced to some music and shared some cigarettes. Then we get talking about our writing, how blunt and honest mine is and how cryptic and nonsensical his is. So I read him my most recent words; he found them amusing but began asking questions. I answered as non-descriptively as possible. But then we began talking about the horrors he’s seen. He told me that he didn’t know if he could see more skeletons and blood. But I told him about mine anyway.
We moved to the porch so he could have his cigarettes. And I began to let my guard down. I told him about my ****** past and gory thoughts. I told him, with hesitation, that I was trying so hard but it’s a cycle. And finally, I stutteringly told him about my obsession with perfection. He knew I wasn’t normal but he didn’t know I forced myself to expel calories. He seemed un-phased and unimpressed. There was a brief silence before he said “What do you want from me?” What did I want?  I thought all I wanted was to tell him the truth and let him in but he had me second guessing. I did my best to answer the question how I thought he wanted.
He went on to tell me his drugs could help. I was already filled with prescribed and un-prescribed chemicals, but now he wanted me to add to the toxic brew flooding my veins. “I think dropping some good acid with some good people could change your perspective on things”. No ****. It would completely boil the poison that was already within me. I began to feel anger swell inside me, how could he suggest something so stupid? What have I gotten myself into? I respectfully declined his offer and did my best to pretend he never said that.
When suddenly he sat down, looked me in the eyes (mine quickly shifted from his) and said “Ask me about David”. David? What did he have to do with any of this? What kind of reverse psychology ******* was he trying to pull? I complied and began to ask about the day’s events and about David as a person. But apparently these weren’t the right questions.
Eventually he drove me home. I hopped out of the car and so did he. (That’s a first.) As we hugged goodbye, I knew what was coming. I went to pull away but he pulled me closer. That’s when I was positive I was about to hear it. He gently let go and said,
“Lizzy, I think we have to take some time apart.”
“Why?”
“I just can’t do this right now.”
I pulled away from his hand and turned to walk inside before I punched him right in his oddly prominent jaw. Right before I opened the door I turned back to him one last time. His eyes looked sad and seemed to say “I’m sorry”. While I’m pretty sure mine said “*******.”
My hypothesis was confirmed. No one wants to hear the sob story. No one wants to be around the freak. I’m starting to think I really am better off with “surface relationships”.