I'm so sorry
I'm
So *******
Sorry
That I'm not as resilient
As I wish I could be

I'm so
**** sorry
That the world
And all its insignificant strings
Affect me so deeply

Even just simple sounds
And familiar sights
Make me feel like
I'm losing my
******* mind

I don't mean to
Cry so much
But it's almost like
My eyes don't care
What you think
Of me

I choke on tears
I hold them tightly
Inside me
And they knock
On the inside
Of my skull

They want to be
Free
They want to
Fall on your
Shoulders
And drench your
Shirt

They want to be
Seen
And heard
And loved
Just like
Me

I'll admit it
Because it's all
I have
This desire to be held
And understood
Unconditionally

Even as I write
As I type
My tears drip
Silently
Onto your bed

****
Why can't i
Keep them inside me
With the rest of the
Thoughts
I can't begin
To speak

They're so stupid
And so am I
For wanting to
Exist without question
Without depression

I'm so stupid
To want to be
Loved

To want to be
Secure
In your hands
And heart

In your mind
And in your bed
Would be heavenly

Like the way
You kiss me
Heavenly

I'm sorry
I'm sorry
I'm
So
Sorry
That I'm such a
Stupid baby

I'm getting weaker by the hour
And the passage of time
Speeds faster and faster.

I built walls in my mind
To keep my worries
And sorrows confined.

Now they're falling down,
My fear is overflowing,
And I can't find solid ground.

Stop telling me what helped you,
Stop telling me what I should do,
Because you don't know the depth of this flood.

Stop telling me it's easy to find land
Because you can make your own sand.
I can't and I don't think I ever will.

For just one second
Please listen to me when I say
That I can't ******* breathe.

Telling me there's air all around
Will not force it into my lungs
And bring me back from the brink of death.

And when I say
I'm terrified,
It's not an invitation
For a lesson in bravery.

When I say I'm scared
It's not because I don't understand
Everything that's going on.

I understand just fine.
But understanding that the sun shines
Is not what makes it rise.

Stop telling me things
That I already know.
Stop telling me things
That are of no use.
And stop making my pain
About you.

I'm not as stupid
As you might think.
But being filled with knowledge
Doesn't mean I won't sink.

I'm not as blind
As you may believe.
You keep telling me to open my eyes
But I already see just fine
And clarity of vision
Is the last thing I need.

I'm on the edge,
And I know you know
What that means.
So for the love of all that is holy
Stop pushing me.

You might think I can fly
But I already know I can't.
You might say
That you'll catch me.
But the arms of another
Are not what I need.

So next time you see tears in my eyes,
And it won't be far off,
Don't speak.
Don't preach.
Just listen
And hold me.

You don't know me
Like you think you do.
And I'm sure if you did,
You wouldn't want to.

I'm fragile and dark
Like a tree that's been burned.
I'm not the blooming flower
That I pretend to be.

And you would know that by now
If you were silent
And let me speak.

I've been quiet my whole life
And maybe that's part of the reason
I'm constantly overwhelmed.

I have so much to say
And no one to listen.
No one to open their ears
And hear me scream.

My screams have always been inward,
Echoing inside me.
If I could just let them out
Maybe they would stop killing me.

It's so loud inside my head
That most of the time
I wish I was dead.

But if I could take that volume
And let it disolve into the air,
Maybe I could sleep soundly
And stop running in my dreams.

So if you really want to help
And if you really care,
Please stop rambling about things
That won't bring my empty lungs air.

Some nights are fine.
But some nights,
Your face is all I can see
When I close my eyes.

You said that day
Haunts you,
But do you lose sleep
Like I do?

How many consecutive days
Have you stayed inside
Because you were too terrified
To go anywhere on your own?

When you walk to class,
Do you keep your head down
And your eyes on your feet
In fear that I might show up?

Do you need four million volts
In your bag at all times
Just to feel something close
To safe?

Do you cringe
When you think of me?
Do you still feel me
In your grips?

Did you find someone
To care about you?
Someone you care about too?
Can you ******* tears
When they kiss you?
Does it leave a guilty taste
On your lips
The way you left bruises on my hips?

When you hold them close
Are you reminded of the way
You held me throat?

Does your skin crawl
When they touch you,
Because no matter how close
You're dying to be
How loved you want to feel
You can't get rid of the memory of me?

No. Of course not.
You're not haunted.
You don't know what it's like
To have the ghost of someone
Who stole your sense of self
Live inside your mouth.
You don't know
What you did,
And I don't think you ever will.
But I hope one day
Someone makes you feel as small
As you made me feel.

i swallowed my fear,
ignored my sadness,
laughed off my self loathing,
and danced on the edges of my instability.

now I'm sick to my stomach
with a growing tremble that demands
I pay attention.
my jokes have gotten old
and i can no longer pretend
i don't have two left feet.

i've been traversing this landscape
with my eyes closed,
and so far my steps have been lucky.
so lucky, to any onlooker
it might seem I can see just fine.

finally the reality of the situation
has found its way to my heart
and my hands.
i'm wandering alone,
bare to elements
and completely blind.

the late onset of my panic
could be a product of shock.
i've been running around like a chicken with its head cut off
for the past three months.

for three months i've been
burying any negative feeling
or thought
deep inside this decaptitated body of mine.

but holy hell,
i'm bleeding out
and the shock has worn off.
my eyes are open to vastness
that is unfolding in front of me,
and i'm still just as lost.

I have the whole universe
Inside of me.
And dear god,
I'm lost in space.

I'm drowning in this
Lack of gravity.
And my lungs are collapsing
From all the pressure the cosmos create.

I keep getting caught
In the tangled webs of galaxies
I do not wish to be.
I keep getting too close
To stars that burn too bright.

I see planets in the distance.
They have beautiful rings
And multitudes of moons.
They draw my gaze but that is all.

I don't know how to navigate
In this infinite abyss.
I don't know how to propel myself
In the directions of these alluring planets.

If only it were as easy as wishing
On a shooting star.
Because I pass them
And they pass me daily.

If only I had slept
With the windows closed.

I don't know what to say
because after all is well,
my mind goes blank
at the end of every day.

Once I step into my room
and close my door for the night,
the feeling I thought was left behind
rises again with the moon.

Each day brings new color
or at least each day tries
but the sun goes down
and the colors turn white.

Its white in my mind.
all the empty space gives opportunity
for the dark parts of me
to show what colors they bring.

its all red

I'm thinking about you
And how we were in
Very similar shoes.

I'm thinking about your smile
And your hair
That I always envied.
It's so strange to know
That I'll never walk behind you again.

I'm thinking about the way your absence
Turned our hometown upside down
And inside out.

I'm thinking about the portrait
Your brother just drew of me
And comparing it to the portrait
Anonymous painted for your mom.

Thinking about the guilt
That I somehow still carry.
Even after knowing the truth
And knowing what happened to you.

The weight of knowing
It could have been me,
But wasn't;
Is so present still.

Why did I make it out alive
When you had so much more to live for?

I'm so sorry
That this happened to you
And I'm so sorry that i couldn't do anything to save you.