I have a lot to say
But my voice breaks under the weight of these words.
I have no sounds,
No syllable,
That can comprehend the complexity of my thoughts.
They don't make sense
Not even to me
Every jumbled up mess of a notion
Swims around in this clouded abyss.
For a long time I put on this facade,
This mockery of the truth.
I tell you I'm happy
I tell you it's because of you.
But nothing can save me from drowning
From the fire
From the storm .
And I'll tell you I love you
Because it's what you want to hear.

I don't tell you how I wake up from nightmares,
Terrified and out of breath.
Only to crawl my way to the sink and
Disappoint you with what I'm about to do
I take them
I take them all
One by one I count them as I swallow
It makes me laugh it makes me smile.
It makes me cry because the drugs don't make up for a lack of feeling
They do not fill me with the fancy yet crippling ideal light that they told me about.
They just remind me of my loniness

These jumbled up notions scream
They cry
They laugh
I'm drowning
But you can't save me and I'll tell you I can
Because it's what you want to hear

If these walls would talk,
About a hardened heart,
That pumps boiling blood.
And eyes that wandered.
And a terrible, horrible mind.
They would tell you that a light is hard to find
When you're consumed by emptiness

They've seen me sit in front of the mirror,
At ungodly hours of the night
And cry and scream and pray.

They've seen me try to shake myself from my inward terror.
Try to convince myself that it's not real,
They're not real,
The monsters aren't real.

They've heard me scream
"Get out of my head!"
At the mirror trying to reach what lived inside of me.
They've watched me scratch at my skin,
Trying so hard to get whatever demon that had possessed me out so I could face it.
And tell it to go back to hell.

And if I could talk back to these walls,
Id tell them they are my best friends.
The only ones that have ever seen the dark sides that I have so kept hidden and laughed about.
But they were the only ones that heard me cry and they are the only ones that know what I've done at those ungodly hours.
How I tortured myself,
How I called some stupid help line because I didn't have anyone to call.
I've been so lonely and I can now understand why,
No person will ever be close enough to see what they have seen.

I can't breathe
Every gasp of air reminds me of the ones he stole from me
I wish music could make me smile like before
But every song is about him.
I want to play guitar
But I hear his voice in every chord.
I tried to draw
But the only thing these hands could create
Were the words "I need you".
I tried to sing
But my voice shook with the fear of losing a love.
I can't even go outside
Because it reminds me of how I left you.
And I really tried not to hurt myself
But I needed to carve your name into my skin.
And I can't seem to stop the tears.
I think it's my body trying to drown itself
Because it knows it's had enough
It knows I've had enough
I don't deserve to be with you
And the only sounds my voice can muster are
I'm sorry

I fell too hard
Too fast.
Now I'm left with this haunting emptiness.
You filled every crack in my bones
And every dark corner of my being
Until I was finally whole.
For the first time in my life.
And that has terrified me to no end.
I won't let myself be fooled by your
Unforgiving love.
So I'll throw it away
Before you can take it back.
It seems illogical
But to hurt myself won't be nearly as bad
As you hurting me.
Maybe I just need distance
Maybe I just need time.
Because I've never had a love like this
So true and terrifying.
My head doesn't know what to think.
The only thing I can do is
Run.

I clenched my eyes,
Afraid to look at you.
Because all I wanted
Was to give you this body
Not what lived within it.
But you stole it,
Like every kiss leading up to,
That moment.
Maybe that's why I cried
Because I came to the sudden realization,
That from that moment on,
Your name was carved
Into every bone in my body.
And the thought if being without you,
Tore through my mind
Like a wave of infinite destruction.
And it pained me to know that nothing lasts forever.
Because in that moment,
All wanted was forever,
With you.