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13h · 30
unlearning you
lizie 13h
i tell myself you weren’t that kind,
not really.
not the way i remember.
maybe i just needed you
to be more than you were.
i practice unlearning you,
every day.
but then
i look at you
and every lie i rehearsed
falls apart in my mouth.
you still ruin me,
just by existing.
you really were that kind. you really were more than i needed, more than i deserved.
lizie 1d
i had my last ap exam today.
i did a good job,
not like you care.
and then afterward we went out to eat
i got fettuccine alfredo,
no shrimp though.

i did that band leadership interview too.
i didn’t see your name
on the list.
my interview went well,
doc gushed about my talent,
i liked that.

mom made me give up
all the knives
and pocket knives i’ve collected.
but what she doesn’t know
is that i still have the pencil sharpener.
i won’t use it though.

it’s already been a week
of these so-called happy pills,
i don’t feel any different.
i wish i would.
or i wish i felt
nothing at all.
either or.

i keep telling myself
it only hurts this much right now.
but i think
i’ll be getting over you
my whole life.
i’m tired.
are you?
1d · 28
reminders
lizie 1d
a month ago
i thought of something
i wanted to tell you
while “the manuscript” played.

but it slipped away
before i could catch it.

today,
same song,
same road,
it came back.

i didn’t say it.
i just drove.
2d · 46
what i wish
lizie 2d
i wish someone would say
“lizie, don’t cut yourself anymore,”
and they’d want to say
“don’t hurt yourself,”
but what they should actually say is
“every time you carve your skin
you hurt everyone you love.
your family,
friends,
mom, dad, sisters.”
except actually,
my family cares,
but my friends haven’t reached out
since i told them i was sick.
but i think this would help.
this is what i wish.
2d · 114
flinch
lizie 2d
neat red lines
stacked in a column
on my upper thigh.
i remember how you
flinched
when you saw them.
it’s disgusting
but it’s me.
2d · 41
session one
lizie 2d
she said we need to “promote awareness”
like that’s a magic spell
like i haven’t been painfully aware
of every breath, every failure,
every thought that eats me alive
before breakfast.

i sat there,
stiff on a couch
that wasn’t soft enough
to pretend it cared.
i smiled politely,
like i didn’t already know
what was broken.
4d · 61
not enough time
lizie 4d
was looking under my bed
for a charger
when i came across
the teddy bear you gave me.
i never even ate the candy
that came with it.
not enough time.
that hurt.
4d · 106
the shape of water
lizie 4d
i’ve become
the shape of water.
i mold to rooms
i don’t belong in,
fill cracks
in other people
just to keep from spilling.

no one sees
how close i am
to evaporation.
how heavy i feel
in a glass too full
of silence.

they think
i’m calm
because i don’t make noise,
but grief has no splash
when it sinks like this.

i’ve learned to drown
quietly.
5d · 30
for everyone
lizie 5d
i could’ve skipped the pill.
no one would’ve known.
but i swallowed it anyway,
for my mom,
who cried with me,
for my dad,
who doesn’t always know what to say,
for my sisters,
who still need me around.

for me,
even if i’m not ready to admit it yet.
6d · 143
nothing new
lizie 6d
open hello poetry
search your last name
click on your profile
check for new poems
(they’re not common
but they come in floods)
write poems
contemplate the what-ifs
feel immense sadness
(for no reason)
it’s nothing new
6d · 39
do-over
lizie 6d
i don’t want a new life.
just this one,
rewound.

same people,
same streets,
same chances.
but this time,
i choose right.
i speak when i should.
i leave when i must.
i keep the pieces
of myself intact.

maybe then
i wouldn’t carry
a body full of regret.
a mind
scribbled out
and rewritten
too many times
to read clearly.

i don’t want to vanish.
i just want to undo
what broke me.
6d · 55
sunshine girl
lizie 6d
i smile,
and sometimes i almost mean it.
most times,
i don’t.
i wonder if they notice
how tightly it’s stitched on,
this grin
i wear like armor.

it drains me,
faking light
when all i carry
is the weight
of everything i can’t say.
my body rots quietly,
while my voice plays pretend.

every laugh is a wince,
every joke a plea.
“you’re the sunshine,”
they tell me.
but storms don’t shine,
and i’ve been thunder
for years.
lizie 7d
i don’t want
to keep writing these,
especially not to you,
but it’s kind of
an easy way
to let my feelings out.
hope that’s okay.

you don’t gotta read them,
of course,
i don’t even know if you do.
doesn’t really change much
i don’t think.
unless you think it does.

i’m real nervous for my
ap u.s. exam tomorrow.
but then afterwards
the jazz band field trip
to rehoboth
will be real fun.
if i’m not sad the whole time.

i’ve got more pain in my neck.
i don’t know why,
i don’t feel sick anymore.
it kind of makes everything
feel so much harder
than it already is.

i had to get blood drawn today.
it took me back to last year
when i got blood drawn
and i passed out.
but you were there to comfort me.
this time, i didn’t pass out,
even though i was really close.
and you weren’t there.

i hate it when
i’m playing my music,
my dex solos or something,
and then the music has to stop.
because it all does eventually.
i hate that.
7d · 74
lie
lizie 7d
lie
“i’m not fragile”
i said
through trembling breaths.
“i know”
my mom replied
a little too quickly,
both words filled with pain,
almost like
she was trying to convince herself.
and we both were
pretending it was true.

all i ever do
is lie.
7d · 49
stupid medicine
lizie 7d
all that this stupid medicine does
is make me fall asleep at 10
and wake up at 6.
it’s stupid.
May 8 · 274
Untitled
lizie May 8
i made it through the day,
but not yet through the night.
May 8 · 66
the kind of sad
lizie May 8
it’s the kind of sad
that doesn’t cry loud.
it just sits,
quietly,
in the corners of the room,
curling into the shadows
until even the light
feels heavy.

the kind of sad
where you can’t tell
if you’re tired
or just empty.
if you’re lonely
or just lost.
where music doesn’t help,
but silence hurts more.

it’s the kind of sad
that doesn’t need a reason.
just wakes up with you,
sits beside you on the train,
follows you into class,
and climbs into your bed
before you can even
close your eyes.

it’s the kind of sad
where you drive in the car
and you think you’re okay
until you hear the music
and burst out into tears.
for no reason.

and you want to talk about it.
but what do you say?
“i’m sad,”
like it’s news?
like it hasn’t made
a home in your bones already?
like it hasn’t decorated
your ribs
with every memory
you swore you were over?

it’s the kind of sad
that makes you ache
for people who aren’t coming back,
for versions of yourself
you barely remember.
for a feeling that used to be yours
before everything got
so heavy.

but still,
somehow,
you keep going.
even when it hurts.
especially when it hurts.
and that matters,
even if no one sees it,
though you wish someone would.
May 8 · 51
rambling thoughts
lizie May 8
okay but my world still fell apart
so you didn’t help with that.
you didn’t stand
between me and the cliff,
you pushed me towards it.

you can’t say i quieted your voice
because that’s all i wanted to hear,
remember?
i didn’t say you held me back.
no, you held me here.
but no that’s okay.
maybe i’ll get over that one day.
i’ll just add it to the list.

is that only how you see me?
broken?
hurt?
fragile?
self destructive?
i mean,
you’re probably right.
but i do try to have more substance,
i try to do things
that make me happy,
even if it feels impossible.

and sure,
just impose your senseless ideologies
upon my vulnerable mind,
and then tell me they aren’t good
but don’t tell me how to fix them.
it’s not your fault though,
sorry.

maybe it doesn’t matter
how you see me anymore.
maybe it never did.
sorry,
these are just my rambling thoughts.
don’t take them to heart,
except for the ones you should.
(not an attack)
May 8 · 55
spaces in between
lizie May 8
it’s funny how
you’re at your highest
and i’m at my lowest.
it’s okay,
if this is the price to pay,
it’s okay.
i deserve it,
you deserve happiness,
and all that other *******
you know i believe
but i’m too tired to say.
i’m just really sad.
not about this situation in particular,
but all the spaces,
in between,
inside,
every pore of my being.
but no i’m happy for you,
i really truly am.
(not an attack)
May 7 · 46
gateway drug
lizie May 7
you were never poison,
but you were the first sip.
the first ache in my chest
i couldn’t name
until it spilled over.

i loved you like a secret,
buried under skin and
shoved between apologies,
but still, you found your way out.
every time.

and now,
every spiral starts with your name.
every hollow night
traces back to
your golden eyes
and the way i used to be
before i ever met them.

you were the gateway drug.
not the overdose,
not the blade,
not the shaking hands or the
bottle of pills i keep by my bed.
but you.
you were the first high,
the first crash,
the first reason i stopped
trusting the calm.

and it freaks me out.
because i’m old enough now
to know what love isn’t.
to know that you opened a door
i still can’t close.
and you walked through it
like it didn’t even lock behind you.

i think i hate you for it.
but mostly,
i miss before.
before you.
before i knew what this meant.
and it freaks me out i’m old enough to know you as a gateway drug
lizie May 7
sorry for all the things i’ve said
about hatred and stuff.
feelings don’t make sense anymore.
i heard you sent screenshots
of our conversations
to cooper,
and i don’t know who else.

i only wrote those things
because you hadn’t been active
on hello poetry.
i thought you were done.
maybe you will be,
i should stop checking.

i’m glad you’re doing better than me.
it’s not hard though,
when your competition
is only still alive
because of a stupid pinky promise
to her mom.

i think i’m gonna
skip some school tomorrow.
i have another doctor’s appointment,
and my mom has off
so we’re gonna hang out a little.
it was her idea,
probably because her child
wants to die.

i’m sitting in the wawa parking lot
because it’s too early
to go in for my shift.
so i’ll just sit here.
have a good practice,
or a bad one,
i don’t know
if i’m allowed to care anymore.
lizie May 7
i don’t like
how i unfollowed you
on everything:
insta, snapchat, tiktok, whatever.
but you still follow me.
i don’t like that.

i still check up on
when you were last active,
or if you reposted something new.
i have to check
that you’re still alive
now that you don’t
write poems anymore.

everyone looks at me
with disappointment
and accusations in their eyes.
it’s okay, i deserve it.
your eyes haven’t
looked at me yet,
but soon they will.

i’m 2:21 minutes into
transcribing dexter gordon’s
body and soul.
i was gonna give up on it,
but then i pictured
you being proud
of me finishing it.

i wish i wasn’t like this
anymore.
you know that though.
i’d rather you break my heart
than me have to do all the breaking.
i mean,
you have though.
lizie May 7
i forgot you wouldn’t
be in class today
because of your
ap human geography exam.
i hope you feel good
about how it went.

i never would’ve told you this,
but i think that class is stupid.
or, it sounds stupid.
but that’s just
what i think.
and even though i say i am,
i’m usually never right.

had my first day
of training at wawa today.
i made some drinks.
i’m still thinking about
that milkshake i promised you.
ugh.

i’ve been thinking about
why everything feels so much harder
now that i’m getting help.
i feel so broken,
so unstable,
so vulnerable.

i think it’s because
i’m finally getting that help
we always talked about
but i still feel the exact same.
or maybe
it’s because i’m exposed,
and i don’t like that.
think i’m gonna cut tonight
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