i smile,
and sometimes i almost mean it.
most times,
i don’t.
i wonder if they notice
how tightly it’s stitched on,
this grin
i wear like armor.

it drains me,
faking light
when all i carry
is the weight
of everything i can’t say.
my body rots quietly,
while my voice plays pretend.

every laugh is a wince,
every joke a plea.
“you’re the sunshine,”
they tell me.
but storms don’t shine,
and i’ve been thunder
for years.

i don’t want
to keep writing these,
especially not to you,
but it’s kind of
an easy way
to let my feelings out.
hope that’s okay.

you don’t gotta read them,
of course,
i don’t even know if you do.
doesn’t really change much
i don’t think.
unless you think it does.

i’m real nervous for my
ap u.s. exam tomorrow.
but then afterwards
the jazz band field trip
to rehoboth
will be real fun.
if i’m not sad the whole time.

i’ve got more pain in my neck.
i don’t know why,
i don’t feel sick anymore.
it kind of makes everything
feel so much harder
than it already is.

i had to get blood drawn today.
it took me back to last year
when i got blood drawn
and i passed out.
but you were there to comfort me.
this time, i didn’t pass out,
even though i was really close.
and you weren’t there.

i hate it when
i’m playing my music,
my dex solos or something,
and then the music has to stop.
because it all does eventually.
i hate that.

it’s the kind of sad
that doesn’t cry loud.
it just sits,
quietly,
in the corners of the room,
curling into the shadows
until even the light
feels heavy.

the kind of sad
where you can’t tell
if you’re tired
or just empty.
if you’re lonely
or just lost.
where music doesn’t help,
but silence hurts more.

it’s the kind of sad
that doesn’t need a reason.
just wakes up with you,
sits beside you on the train,
follows you into class,
and climbs into your bed
before you can even
close your eyes.

it’s the kind of sad
where you drive in the car
and you think you’re okay
until you hear the music
and burst out into tears.
for no reason.

and you want to talk about it.
but what do you say?
“i’m sad,”
like it’s news?
like it hasn’t made
a home in your bones already?
like it hasn’t decorated
your ribs
with every memory
you swore you were over?

it’s the kind of sad
that makes you ache
for people who aren’t coming back,
for versions of yourself
you barely remember.
for a feeling that used to be yours
before everything got
so heavy.

but still,
somehow,
you keep going.
even when it hurts.
especially when it hurts.
and that matters,
even if no one sees it,
though you wish someone would.

okay but my world still fell apart
so you didn’t help with that.
you didn’t stand
between me and the cliff,
you pushed me towards it.

you can’t say i quieted your voice
because that’s all i wanted to hear,
remember?
i didn’t say you held me back.
no, you held me here.
but no that’s okay.
maybe i’ll get over that one day.
i’ll just add it to the list.

is that only how you see me?
broken?
hurt?
fragile?
self destructive?
i mean,
you’re probably right.
but i do try to have more substance,
i try to do things
that make me happy,
even if it feels impossible.

and sure,
just impose your senseless ideologies
upon my vulnerable mind,
and then tell me they aren’t good
but don’t tell me how to fix them.
it’s not your fault though,
sorry.

maybe it doesn’t matter
how you see me anymore.
maybe it never did.
sorry,
these are just my rambling thoughts.
don’t take them to heart,
except for the ones you should.