The day started so blue,
but somehow I made it through.
Time spent with an amazing friend,
made those feelings end.
I know I'll feel it again,
but for now my heart can mend.

should I stay
or should I go.
i wonder all day
what I should do.

this love so pure,
so rare to find.
i try to act mature,
but I mind.

you're my dilemma,
never there for me.
never here to stay.
tell me to let go.
tell me to hang on.

I want to run,
as fast as a storming wind.
I want to leave this place,
I want to leave everything and start over.
I want to run,
I don't care where,
any place is better than here and now.

oh im drowning
far below
you don't see it
but i know
its there

shallow water
never seemed so
deep
carry me under
keep me captive

no one knows
im gone
and thats
the torture of it all

move with the current
or you're
forever lost
can't go that way
don't you know

oh we're all drowning
far below
we don't see it
but we know

we're forever lost
in the current.
it reels you in
and never let's go.

That wasn't how I thought it'd go.
I'm left feeling useless and confused.
Why do we text all the time, if you can't even form a sentence on the phone?

Pure silence filling the room and my heart.
Maybe you were upset and tired,
But you could have at least tried, that's all that I ask,
for you to try to get to know me.

Maybe they were right about you.
You haven't figured out life yet,
and you don't seem to be trying.
You complain about life,
yet you do nothing to change it.
Maybe you were right about you.
You constantly putting yourself down,
Me constantly trying to encourage you,
But maybe all this time, you were right.

Once again, my wanting to see the best in people puts a knife in my back.
I guess this is what I get for being kind.

Your diligence scared me off at first
So focused and intense
No time for anyone else.

But then I met the softer you
The you who listens
Who observers
Who lights up the room

That's the you I liked

Despite what others said about you
I gave you a shot

Maybe I expected too much
But is it too much to ask for someone to feel the same?

They say you're closed off
You can't make friends
You hide behind your work

Though it's all true
I see more to you

I see a driven man
Prepared for the future
Hurt by the past
Weary of new faces
Scared of them leaving you behind,
Alone and broken.
Like before.

I stuck around and tried to get to know you
I endured the awkward silences
The moods you'd get in
And at a certain point
I gave up.

Looking into those blue eyes still makes me smile
I laugh at everything you say, even if it's truly not funny
My heart still flutters when your hand draws near to mine

But I know this isn't right.
Maybe someday, but not today.

You need to grow.
You need to move out.
Find your calling
Try something new

I need to learn to love properly
And grow in myself
And I'm leaving soon.

So here we are.
I see you twice a week, if not more, and try to be your friend.
Sometimes it's easy
But when you talk to a new girl,
My eyes can't help but wander over to you two.

I know it'll just take time
But that's something I'm not good at
Waiting
Wanting
Watching
But here I am.

right now,
i could be singing my soul out into the wind
and one little drop of rain
could shut my mouth and reduce me to ashes

right now,
my life is so very fragile.
it takes so much to make me happy,
and so little to tear me down completely.

nobody told me how it'd be in the aftermath
how i'd miss you most as my friend
how my heart would ache for that connection
how i'd seek that out again and feel like i'm cheating

nobody told me how long it'd take you to get over me
and how i'd be ready sooner for a friendship than you

how i'd feel like a wreck one day and perfectly fine the next
the aftermath is a mass of emotions,
piled one by one on top of one another

but truth is,
i just miss you for you.

"can you feel it?" i said,
looking into the dark.
"what?" they ask with no idea.
"time, it's stealing us away".

honestly,
what's the point of honesty
if no one listens?

sometimes i wonder if im even meant to be in a relationship
im a sensitive and empathetic soul
i hurt easily
i overthink easily
i love easily
i'll love til i'm all out
where's the line?

i know i'm only 18,
yet my heart longs for a family.
i'd love to be in a relationship,
but most of all,
I want kids running around the house.
driving me crazy with the same songs,
giving me hugs while they cry over a scraped knee.
how could anyone take a precious life like that away?
i try to have compassion and show understanding for those women, but how could you do that?
that's all i want in the world,
a little hand holding mine,
how could you not want that too?

dear, you have made me believe in love.
i thought i always had, but i believed in a conditional love that could never last.
you make me feel like this can last a lifetime, and i want it to.
its so early, but i love you.
and when you look at me like that
and when you laugh at me when i say something stupid,
i know you do too.
i couldn't have asked for a greater love than this one,
and i'm so grateful for that and for you, my dear.

you took my soul
and made it dance
you took my words
put 'em in a trance.
this love is on fire
just give it a chance.

i know in my heart that this is good,
that you are right,
but doubt fills me up like never before.
what if its all for nothing?
what if you change your mind?
what if this is dumb?
i like you
you're one of my best friends
but what if?

its easy to fake it when you have no time
its easy to act okay when you're so focused on the people around you
i've become so good at pretending, it seems i've even fooled myself.

With tears in my eyes
I walked into the darkness
wanting so bad to run back to you.
To share one more laugh.
To hold you once more.
But I walked away,
knowing it was time to leave.
One more word would make more tears fall.
One more hug would make the ache in my heart deeper.
Thus, onward I went.

stuck between wanting to show you my whole heart
while hugging you in your black-wornout-denim jacket oh so tight
and
holding my heart tight to my chest and talking about the weather.

i want to be close to you again, but i know we can't go back.
i don't want to break my heart again.

worn out faces,
empty spaces,
and
burned out places.

nowhere to turn,
so much to learn,
and
only money to earn.

i know our love wasn't perfect by any means
but i can't help looking at you now
now that its all over
and a sense of loss creeps over me

i can't help but thinking of what could have been
and all those adventures that are now just reduced to memories
of once a very good thing

sometimes i doubt
i doubt who i am
is who i am perceived to be who i really am?
i doubt the people around me
i wonder if i made the right decisions
i doubt god's goodness to me

all the tears have flooded out of my eyes,
no salty water is left in those scarlet and white spaces.
like a drought carrying on for months on end,
i'm left tearless because of you.

i feel nothing but emptiness inside,
all my feelings have been spent today.

saying goodbye to something so good,
you,
has left me breathless and vacant of any feeling.

Long-standing traditions, nowhere to be seen
Parents separated by an ocean,
I'm grateful for the family and friends I do have,
but this Christmas just doesn't feel right.

Where are the Christmas markets?
Where is that joy I've felt every other year?
Where is that sense of wonder and hope?
Where is the laughter and freezing of fingers?
Where are all the things I remember that always made up my Christmases?

I seek to always be grateful for what I have,
but the truth is,
this is hard.
and maybe that's okay to admit

I look out the window
and see a storm coming.
The trees swaying
and the sky darkening.
Much like I feel inside.
This storm I had hid away
is coming back to my chest.
It's rattling my bones,
shaking me to the core.
I thought I had gotten rid of this pain,
but it's still there.

i took a chance,
and look where i am.

each moment, slowly
gravitating closer
and closer.

friends
or more,
i don't regret it.

i thought i'd met kindness in a man's eyes before,
and then i met you.

without being asked,
you pick up my shoes,
you're ready to help,
and to love on others.

i thought i'd met humility before,
and then i met you.

you don't even know how kind, funny,
and special you are.

i barely know you,
and i'm already amazed by
you.

ive entrusted you with so much of my heart
i felt safe with you by my side no matter where we were

i said those three little words,
and now everything has changed.

i see the way your eyes light up
and how you reach to hold me tight
darling you can't tell me you don't love me.

yet you said you were sorry,
you couldn't say them back.

give it a name,
makes it all too real.
is it true?
is that really what it was?
i was too young and didn't know different
is that what happened to me?
whats the difference if I accept this name into my life or dismiss it?

doubt creeps in when i realize how few people have stuck by me.

i don't have those childhood friends that i can rely on for anything
i have amazing people who have walked into my life, but how well do i really know them?
what if they just leave me?

how lucky am i?
i wake up every day and still can't believe it.
you're mine.

my past and my doubts still tell me you'll run away,
but i trust you,
and i know it's not true.

you make me feel safe,
treasured,
cared for.

you make me smile like no other,
you're my best friend first,
and my lovely boyfriend second.

the distance isn't fun,
i want you right by my side,
but i know it'll only make us stronger.

you remind me of who God tells me I am.
i love the dork you are,
your silly jokes make me laugh
though we both know they're stupid.

and guess what?
i get to call you all mine.

although we ended because of so much more,
i always think of the what ifs...

what if you had fought for me?
what if you had tried a little harder?
what if you had opened up a little more?
what if I had slowed down a little?
what if...

but at the end of the day, the results are the same.

as much as i want someone's hand to hold again
i'm scared
scared to open my heart again and share all my secrets once more

i crave deep conversations, yet right now,
i can't seem to start them

i shared so much with you,
more than anyone else
and now, just like that,
you're like a stranger to me

dear,
the world was against us this time,
but maybe the love we've lost
will return to us in due time.

a love so pure and so good,
full of compassion and laughter,
is now found only in memories.

whatever happens,
know you'll always be in my heart.

what we had wasn't bad by any means
but I think relationships are meant to be more than that

we have immense love and care for each other
and we'd both do anything for one another

but where's the fire?
the passion?
the fight?

what we have is a best friend-ship,
not a relationship