I don't seem do this well,
sitting at the table
pretending everything is alright.
I'd rather sit
in the corner of the bedroom
and listen to beautiful nothing
than listen to voices drip blood
on razor blade silence.

Promises have no meaning to them.
Absolutely none.
But I will give you
everything I've got
to have everything make since-
and then suddenly ill disappear.
                                                                                     Gone without a trace.

Life shouldn't be this busy
when I'm sitting on this floor
wondering what to do.
The answer is on my fingers
playing these strings...
                                                                                             *This is the one.

Hope blazes within my veins,
between the broken and the unspoken.
Maybe something will change-
to finally go my way for once.

Too many nights I've sat
on this queen dreaming
of the day I'd finally live.
Hoping that the hands
of this beautiful thing
called life will fall into mine.

It has made my world
a darker place.
Creating savages of demons
clawing at me in the night.
I'd wake up from faces
of the enemies that can't be seen.

But it's different now.
There's this light
One I haven't seen in a while.
Filled with promises and adventure,
smells of roses and wet rain on a pavement.

I can almost touch it and right now I can tell you,
I'll run for years until I get there.
Because this is what I want.
I want to live before I get the chance to die.

Someone once told me,
"You should've have known better
makes no sense. We are trying are best."

Take a step back and realize,
It does make sense.

Sometimes we go off
Making mistakes.
Acting out as an instinct
As opposed to a logical
Reaction.

Sometimes fury overrides
Our senses and we are left
With a blinding void to
A straight path of
"Should have known betters"

So yes, it does make sense.
Because even when you are trying your best,
Your always destined to make a mistake.

These events in my mind are
aged and crumbled up like
a piece of worthless paper,
because I apparently, am the
only one who remembers it all.
This is all so unsettling.
From everything that they did,
to what the others did;
am I truly that worthless?
One night dragged onto the other
without a pause.
Continuously left behind.
Finding myself alone in these places
that are truly worthless.
'Stupid girl'
is what runs through my mind
as quickly as the people leave
me behind.
How worthless am I
compared to dust?
I see everything black and white.
The color faded away when
the happiness did.
How worthless can these eyes become?
Trying to please everyone
just brought me too far down.
Everybody treats eachother the same.
So how worthless
can these smiles get?
Lie after lie is what is
always told and heard these days.
I see that those spells have been
casted on me many times.
How worthless am I
to be told these lies?


But at the end of the day,
worthless is truly non-existent.
No matter what, everyone
will get shot down-
But everyone will find hope.
We all have that one thing
we find that's not so
worthless.
You have to find
deep within youself that
it's only you that will listen
to what the others say and do
And hold it against yourself.
You have to power
To turn around and be the one
to call them worthless this time.
Because when it comes down to it,
How worthless can someone be
to make you think you're worthless.

I know once I walk away, I'm going to inevitably turn around and wonder where the time went.
And in that exact moment, I'm going to realize that it has been in front of me this whole entire time.
The sad truth is that once I take the first step forward after that realization, I'm going to break apart. Because I will be walking in the wrong direction- like I always have been.
But this day will be different. Because as soon as I take that step forward, there's no going back.
I'll take my seat, turn off my dreams and be like the rest.
Just somebody.

I pushed you away because of what you did to me.
It wasn't your personal acts that ****** me of,
it was what the voices in my head would say whenever you were around.
A darker version of me erupted like lava in a volcano, intruding it's way out.
It took everything within me to keep it down whenever you were around.
You were always high and it did nefarious things to you and the people around.
It ruined your life, as it did mine.
Lethal weapons in a battle of your own.

So for four months I stayed away, remaining to myself. Keeping the wounds at a distance for as long as I could. I painted. I drew sketches. I wrote three chapters to my novel. I watched an animated movie that actually made me laugh.
I was stitching myself back together.

Then one night you came to me with promises in your words and wonders with your eyes. For a while there, I thought I saw hope.  Like stars in a cloudless sky.

You said you changed, but I knew that was a lie- you can only grow. You said that you haven't smoked- that you felt better and loved life just a little more.
I didn't want to believe that you were full of it- your ambition was floating in the air like pixie dust on a chilly summers night.

But of course you did.
You lied.
Just like before I left you and just like now.
You still speak to me as if I'm lower than you and you continue to paint cracked black paint on your face whenever you feel the slightest bit upset.
I try to help you, you push me away.

You broke your promises. You lie through your teeth. Its a been a long time since anything was actually good.

Looking back at it now, I pushed you away because of what you did to me.
It was the voices in my head.
The ones you put there.

I know your small... It's a really big world out there. Full of devastation and wonders and crimes and love.
But it's okay, because you mean the world to me.

People seem to have these small mouths with certain vindictive words that blow your confidence six feet under.
But it's okay, the future holds beautiful promises for you.

Looking back to the past, seems like looking at a life not of yours.
As if the eyes that once were are not the eyes you bear now.
A kolidescope of difference and confusion.  
But it's okay, because I will make my hands the lenses you need to see clear again.

It gets sad and lonely.
Youll get lost and unsure.
But its okay, I'll be the compass and the light to guide you and keep you warm.

It gets hazy and rainy.
You'll get drowned and need the search for air.
But it's okay, because
Everything will be okay.