I'll walk into my home smelling like cancer and tasting like death because I don't want you. I'm selfish. I want you to break up with me. I want you to be so disgusted by my habits that it breaks you down until you realize that I'm not going to wait for you to figure out that I don't need you. I need space and you're not letting me push you away. I need you to push away from me; break me apart so that I'll at least know you aren't incapable of feeling broken. I want you to leave me so I don't have to deal with you being broken because of me. I can't do it anymore. I've broken so many people, but for some reason I can't break you. So, I need you to break me.

It's all the words that are jumbled in your head.
It's all the emotions burning your veins.
It's the way your mouth dries
And how your throat clams up.
It's when you have so much to say,
But you can't say anything at all.
It's like trying to climb up the ladder,
To the promising light above.
To reach the top, for it to be too blinding
And throws you back down.
Your left to mend the broken pieces
With blood tears and scratching screams because
You were already broken.
You fell off that ladder
Over and over and over again.
The blisters on your hands,
The sweat dripping down your back,
The ache in your legs,
Push you to the the top.
You keep climbing and climbing.
You don't know to what,
But you see the light.
And it settles into your eyes like fresh roses and into your mind like a dream.
It never shuts off.
It never wavers.
It's always on.
So when the shadows from below try to pull you down and succeed,
Or when the tides swallow you whole, the salt burning your cuts,
And when that water enters your mouth, your voice to an inaudible whisper,
Remember that it wasn't the ladder or the water or the shadows or the burning cuts that were supposed to lift you up to the top as a warrior.
It was your blistered hands,
The working sweat seeping down your hallow neck,
And the ache in your legs
That was supposed to follow a dream.
Not a blind hope.

You said don't leave me tonight
And I did.
Not because it was late and your liver was filled with lust with a gitty mind.
It was because you broke the last string.
The last string that held this harp together so that we can get through these rough times in harmony.
You broke it.
And you broke all the other strings with the countless mistakes you made trying and trying to make me love you the way you love me.
I don't.
Love you that is.
I did in the beginning- it was new.
Like the smell of a new car,
or the feeling of the new jacket you just bought at American Eagle.
But soon the smell and the feeling fades.
It was like stepping into new territory with welcoming arms and walking down that path to a crowd of endless smiles.

But then the storms settled in.
The clouds wiping out the life in our eyes.
The rain poured down on our hearts, melting away all the beautiful memories.
The lightening bruising my tethering muscles.
The thunder rumbled our solid ground and cracks started forming around our feet.
Separating us into different worlds.
To different storms.
To different life.
But you didn't want that.
You fought against fate without a care.
For what the world wanted or worse.
For what I wanted.
You kept leaping over these intended cracks, finding the wrong way back to me.
You let the storm rage on not understanding why it keeps raining.
But you didn't realize that the control was in your hands.

I was the figure in the night that guided you, but only for a little while.
I wasn't meant to stay.
I didn't want to stay.
So you let the control run to your finger tips, letting the lightening be your strike to get me back.
You let the rain settle over me like an endless water fall, drowning me to no end.
You let the clouds linger around me, my greens eyes running paler by the day.
And you asked me
"Why are you so miserable?"
I said I don't know.
*But the truth is my dear, it was you and your endless need to control my movements and be the tar within my lungs drowning me in the storm.