Go ahead
hold me a little longer
than usual.
You say to me,
without using any
words at all,
"it should have been me,
its still me."
Like i don't already see
those sky blue eyes
every time i close my own.
Because we're still holding
on to god knows what.
Because it is you
and it will always be you.

It took me seven years
to realise
the words in my mind
were too deep for
my mouth to dig up
I thought it was easier
to open my skin
and let the truth
pour down my arms

It took me seven years
to realise
nobody should be allowed
to touch parts
of your home
or hold pieces  
of your heart
that you don't yet understand

It took me seven years
to realise
I will wear these scars
forever
I'll carry them
through every smile
every kiss
every concerned gaze
I'll carry them
to my grave

It took me seven years
to realise
the pain carved
into the walls
of my castle
etchings of
attempting to disappear
are not a story of weakness
but a tale of
how I survived

You never existed,
we were not alive, i wasn’t
my mind froze when you asked,
I wasn't myself,
I lost it all in the drape you put over my heart,
a half-beaten down animal,
i was trained and trained myself too,
i covered up my mouth
desperately tried to please the eternally void —

emotion
that was the catch,
i had so much to say,
but the latch i made myself, took away everything,
all that made me smile —
you never made me smile,
and nothing i tried was full or right or
splendid

average,
my eyes lit up for a darkness
crept into my bones
took me aback,
i didn’t think that light could be drained
by a black hole  
you told me so, and i believed it —

what were we ever?
i, a soundboard for your misery,
you, a reflection of my own self-doubt,
i never loved you,
but you never loved.

I’ll open the door before you knock
barefoot
heart lit
shaking
I’ll kiss your mouth before you speak
not to quiet you
but to show you
what language was always
reaching for