I don't think he knows
how much
he fills my
heart;
how
his movements
have made themselves
at home inside..
he makes me want
to push back
the furniture
just so
I can watch
him dance

my prey eyed girl
you'll come to know
the times of end
no place to go

you'll run uphill
and over coals
the air that chokes
and lava scalds

when the hounds
from hell arise
the face of heaven
it's disguise

with bites upon
the softest skin
poison pulsed
and flows within

forever run
and don't look back
what lies behind
black maniac

just look for light
for all you can
the devil smiles
that heaven man

run to me
fly so far
take my word
your Savior

to heal the bite
the bitter sting
love only saves
peace conquering

pinions gate
placed under wing
your freedom song
forever sing

after all these years
i have found
love
hiding quietly
between
i and you

anxiety isn't selective
it consumes anyone
any time
any place
despite their age
size
financial situation
social standing
ethnicity
gender
sexuality
values
spirituality
and mental capability  
anxiety isn't logical
it devours all thoughts
and reasoning
for no reason
for every reason
for nothing at all

anxiety eats at the very fabric
of everything you hold dear
and sacred
it takes who ever it wants
and twists their thoughts
and soundness of mind
until they break
and then some

anxiety swallows you whole
and spits you out
then waits for you
hand on the dinner bell
it is a curse
i hope it chokes to death
on me.

I remember a time when he would come home.

And i remember that, you must stand at the door and welcome him home like you are happy, don't forget to be happy.
Tea was always ready and the house would be clean and tidy because it should be, you wanted it to be, and woe betide you if it wasn't.
And then, when tea was finished, he wanted his beer and the tv on
and now you mustn't talk because you shouldn't.
So the kitchen was tidied and everything was just so..
you mustn't forget to make it just so.
But you know the time is coming where the beer is all gone and the match would be lost and the anger would flare.
That's when you want to become invisible but you can't
because he needs to punch something and well..
you're as good as any door.
So after the room was cleaned up and the broken glasses and lip was put away, it was time for bed..
And you can't pretend to be asleep because that doesn't count
as a no.

Thankfully there was a little glow in the dark star on the ceiling you could look up at and wish upon it that you weren't in this room, in this bed right now. I think the people who lived there before left it behind. I knew that if i moved i would take it with me.

And the need to run was immense. But there was no where to go and nobody knew and, after all, it was the way of things, don't complain.. it could be worse.. remember that.. it could be worse.. he said.

I often dreamed of a tiny little bed all of my own with fairy lights and my own place to put my books, but that would have to wait as now is not the time to think of such a silly notion. Stupid ***** that you are.

And so each and every night, i painted the roses red.. so i didn't loose my head.

And running wasn't really an option because, contrary to popular opinion, that is harder than you think.. after all... this was normal and... this is just what happens and... this is just one of those things and... **** it up buttercup, now clean the house again you stupid ****.

And in the gaslighting, which burned very bright, you would have enough of a glow to paint the roses red.
Perfectly red, everyday they would have to be red.

And life carried on for years like this and my friend, the little glow in the dark star and i were the only ones who knew what 'behind closed doors' really meant.

Inevitably children were born into this world of mine, and you can't say no to no contraception, because the need to see his fertility bloom was the most important thing in the world.
Most important.

But i was indeed blessed with more than an armful of joy.

And so we all painted the roses red and in time, we all wondered, which one of us would loose our head.

We moved house and the years passed as they normally do with various reasons to run and threats that made us stay.
But you never run..  because now he might **** you all,
and not just you.
If it was just you, you wouldn't have minded so much...

So we moved house and the little glow in the dark star came along too. It was placed near the light fitting over the bed and i put my finger to my lips and said 'shhh' as i stuck it to the ceiling.
But we knew.

And so, for a few more years you carry the weight of the world, the little secret, and a heart full of love, and begin painting the roses red with your children.
And now you definitely can't leave and you can't run because they might loose their heads and now, now you might have to watch.. while you get to keep yours.

And then a tide turned, well, four tides turned, and damage was being done that my love could not repair.
And that is when i had to be brave and i had to do what i should have done many years before.
I was conditioned to suffer along side and this was normal.
Not that any of that is an excuse.
And although i knew it wasn't right, i knew it was normal.. for me.

A contradiction if ever there was.

But my love for my children will always be far greater, greater than my love for any one else could ever be. Even if it was their flesh and blood.
And him saying we couldn't leave now did not count as a no.
But we didn't leave.
We made him pack his things and go. We had found safety in numbers, we all stood and were counted, we exposed only what secrets needed to be told.
The rest we keep for ourselves.
He never said sorry and he left. And never came back.

So we kept some of the red paint and we added orange, yellow, green, blue, indigo and violet. And we painted all of our roses any **** colour we wanted to. Including ourselves.

And I took down the little glow in the dark star, it had seen far too much and probably needed therapy :o)  

And we will live happily forever after.

even in autumn
she wore flowers
in her hair

as if
they belonged
next to her beautiful
mind

like the daisies
belonged
growing within
the grass

she was an angel
in a summer dress
whispering
to me
her darkest secrets

like precious gifts
she spilt them
from her sweet tongue
into my mouth

and i knew
i would
never again
go hungry

as i ate

every

single

one

Writers are powerful creatures
they can warp and then stop time
they can make you old
young
and die

they can construct dreams
made of ink
that terrify
dreams that span eons of time
and make you wide awake
never sleeping
for one second

they can summon dragons
and storms
create armies
and legions
build castles
and empires
they can burn your village
to the ground
and everything
you hold dear
will be dust

They can make you fearless
victorious
triumphant
leaders of men
warriors in battle
gods on high
mad

They can make you fly
make you crawl
beg for mercy
wish for death

and then
when you thought
they had done
all that they could

vicariously
they live
their darkest fears
through you

by making you
love

now here's a place
i have never been
looking over the edge
seeing if i can see the bottom
dropping a pebble
to hear
the end

i don't think there is one
least-ways
i didn't hear it land
i don't want to fall down this
rabbit hole
but
the eyes staring out
from the darkness
are so...
like i know who they are

and i want to see
just how far down
i will fall
and if they will watch me
as i let go

here is a place
i have never been
so long have i lived
in the sunshine
my skin is paper thin
and the weight of my world
crushes the air from my lungs
makes me breathe out
with no hope of breathing in

here is a place
i have never been
i have no memory
of falling
tipping over the edge
i just know there is no sunshine
and my soul is struggling
to keep warm

Sorry it's long (said no one ever)

Working in retail opens your eyes to a whole world many do not see.
A world of such diversely, fascinatingly, mundanely grey, vibrantly glorious, disgusting and bright human behaviour.

You may think we just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work.

But we do so much more, we see so much more.

We watch, we listen, we cry and we laugh both with you, and admittedly, on occasion, at you.

But do forgive us as we are too, diversely, fascinatingly, mundanely grey, vibrantly glorious, disgusting and bright humans.

You can, as our customers, wholeheartedly make our day, you can be kind and courteous, funny, and quite often, we love having you with us, especially when you are considerate, considering this is our place of work.

And in that place of work, where we spend more daylight hours of our lives with you than we do with our families and loved ones, in that place of work we come across those who frustrate and annoy, who are aggressive and demeaning, we are made to feel unworthy and on occasion, occasionally you make us cry.

But you also lift us, with your own brand of madness :)

We have 'Buddy' who often comes in wearing a puffy coat and a blue baseball cap, precariously perched on top of his head.
'Hat family' visits were mum and daughter each wear a trilby and dad wears a cap.
"Carol" who is always decorating and most often needs...
" A thing, you know, with the part that folds over, it's grey" or an "Orange do-dah, you use it in the garden, it was on the telly"...

Be assured, we see you all, we remember you all. The good, the bad and those we endlessly try to help but always ask for things we don't sell and end up saying "fine i'll just go to Dunelm"...

We don't just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work. We also share with you your joys and your woes.

We spoke to a woman who was in floods of tears as she had been made to feel stupid and had been spoken to unkindly in another shop. She was looked after, consoled and taken care of.

We spoke to a woman who was on her first day outside after her husband of some 40 years had passed away. We listened and gave her many kind words, she left feeling much less alone.

We spoke at length to a woman in her 30's who had been told that morning she was finally in remission. We shared her joy. And relief.

We help the elderly Scottish gentleman with his son who has autism. His wife passed away 4 years ago and his son is his world. His son likes to touch our soft cushions and always asks his dad if it's 'time for tea yet.'

We don't just stack the shelves and clean up the unmitigated and immense damage you cause after you visit our place of work. We do understand, more than you know.

Today I met a quite exhausted woman, covered in dry paint, wearing a weary expression. She was holding a tin of paint with paint covered hands.
And with a tired voice she told me she had been...
"Painting all ****** day" and she was... "so bleedin' tired I can't think straight". She had run out of paint and asked how much the paint was.
And then I felt a whole new level of understanding and compassion.

She looked me square in the eye and asked "Is it wrong to wish everyone would just *******?"

I said "Of course not, it's perfectly normal considering the day you've had, can you leave the painting until tomorrow, after you've had a bath and a good nights sleep?"
She looked at me and smiled wearily "I guess it can wait"
Handing her the paint i said "it's 7.99, then do that, get some sleep. And tell everyone who says otherwise to ..."
"*******" she smiled.

she went to sleep
just there
while her mother
touched her hair
sleep little girl
but please come back
eyelids fluttered
tiny fingers clenched
imperceptible
movements of grief
and loss

stroking her hair
sleep little girl
as we hold our breath
waiting for you
to breathe
again

wake little girl
please wake
loss is there waiting
and we cannot
give you up
to it

breathe little girl
don't float away
stroking her hair
whispering pleas
praying into silence
holding our breath
holding our hope
tight in our chest
loss is calling

and the silence breaks
as she rubs her eyes
we breathe

loss does not hold her
not this time

omission of truth
blundering white
jagged black

tears falling
with blatant
breath

i see you
though
answering yourself

congratulations
are in order
well done

well done
seared skin
****** within
lies

even your truth
is a lie
because
you try
to conceal
who and what
you
do not deserve
to be

twisted
lies
caught like flies
in your web of
deception

one two three
how many more
are thee

a forked tongue speaks
twice
writes in triplicate
sings lullabys of deception
a hundred fold

the little lambs wool
you have pulled
so they cannot see

i pity thee

crocodile
serpent
bad wolf

liar

i see her
through her shadows
and in her darkness
i still see her
light

it shines from
around
her clouds
like silver

she is more than
sunlight

she is warmth
and love

she is peace
and comfort

so i told her
'my love,
even in
your darkest days
you have no idea
how much
your love
warms my skin

and your beautiful
heart
lights up my soul'

she smiled
from behind
her leaden sky
and kissed me
softly
in the way
only
an 'i love you'
could be kissed

and my heart
all at once
filled with
her sunshine
and
became hers

the sands of time slip through my fingers
wading through dunes of all my yesterdays
no longer able to count the grains
that have blown into the wind.

grasping handfuls yet holding nothing
nothing to show for my time spent
all I have are the missed moments
of the photographs I was not in
of the parties I did not attend
of the goodnight, sleeptights I did not whisper
of the mealtimes where my chair sat empty
of the 'I love you's' I was not there to say
of the 'I miss you's' that floated upon the breeze.

and time has stolen my time to love you
all my 'please forgive me's'
fall from my mouth
sounding remarkably like 'honey i'm home'
entering an empty house
one key on the hook
and all the clocks have stopped

The door swung open, revealing trees hung full of over compensating colour and the ground buzzed with windfall apples. The grass was long, unkempt and scraggy. There was an old and empty swimming pool, decayed with it's once blue tiles, bleached white with the sun. An ornamental bird bath razed to the ground, an over grown pergola groaned and a leaning outhouse lay lazily about the garden. This place once held a family in his care. The rusted swing stood, like a sentry, waiting. The air was chilled and the weeds violently twisted in throngs of green and yellow. But it was the mound of roughly dug earth, six feet by three, that made Miller's heart falter.
“Looks like we got ourselves a crime scene...” Abbie looked on, hands in her pockets.
“****, I hope not...” Miller opened his phone.

Taking a little break from Hello Poetry
I am a front line/key worker and it's taking it's toll
But there is work to be done and with the support of
my work family, we are truly making a difference through
this quite frightening time.

I am staying home when i'm not at work,
Please please
where you can,
stay at home
and stay safe xxxx


And to add another reason to the mix
I have met the most beautiful man :D
who has filled my life with
all i could have dreamed of :)
and more **

I smile as i write
my heart has been filled
to overflowing
he is my soul's mate
my truest friend
my greatest love
i am at peace
for the first time
in forever.



Take care
i will be back
but reality beckons
xxxxxx

we watched in awe
as the stars were scattered
upon the dark blanket of heaven

as the bitter cold
enticed our breath
leaving it hanging
like clouds of unspoken joy

our cold hands held tight
as we brought home
our warm hearts  
to our sanctuary
our hygge
our home

mars
the bringer of war
shone red below the moon
and i now know
where i am

i am in the north
shining bright
hoping for peace

knowing war
is coming

There were two mighty warriors
whose rule upon the land
were what legends now are sewn upon
each feared by every man

Odin was like a panther
sleek and strong and lithe
nothing less than greatness
was for all that he would strive

Kester was just like a bear
his size gave him great power
over mighty oaks and castle walls
he easily would tower

The warriors began a fight
and the people stood around
peasants Lords and Nobles
threw lamenting on the ground

They fought over who had the right
to be the poet king
folk ran to preserve themselves
as the fists began to swing

Believing they both owned all words
to poetry, verse and prose
both grandiose and posturing
to each a thumb upon their nose

So the fight grew on relentless
both knew it was to death
howling obscenities from Whitman
hurling lines from out Macbeth

Yelling words of literature
pounding blows on blows
quoting Thomas Hardy
and Shakespeare's words of prose

Grabbing Kester's throat
Odin threw him to the floor
like an angry roaring lion
Odin screaming metaphor

Like madmen holding hands
grappling with each others cloak
tearing at each others skin
whose throat they'd love to choke

There had to be a victor
their words shook the city walls
Odin held tight to Kester
and kicked him in the syllables

But no one stood victorious
as poetry's life began to wain
they thrashed it till it bled
not seeing both their shame

Clothes were torn and bruises bloomed
wearing blood upon their trousers
the people cried in unison
"a plague a' both your houses"

As the warriors stood back a step
and looked upon the ground
wounded and in agony
poetry didn't make a sound

No words on lips were uttered
poetry blinked last unto the sun
for its life about was scattered
"My lords look, what have you done?"

And as they wept they looked above
Clouds gathering over head
tears blurred those fated words
on the sky the message... "He is dead"

The warriors stood on trembling knees
with death they both had kissed
the last line they both uttered
"Was sorrow... to this."

so many years have passed
where i have been covered in
ash
and dust
burnt out from too much...
everything

so many days spent languishing
in my own confusion
decifering my broken thoughts
about nothing
i can explain

a mosaic of sunshine and melancholy
stuck together with laughter
and rain

and yet i am still
unable to breathe out of water

but today
for the first time in a millenia
i listened to the sound of the summer birds

and it didn't make me cry

🐦



.

i'd never ask
to have you
here

not anymore

not for one day

nor an hour



to sit with you
once more

no.

never.

yet i whisper it
in wishes
as i sleep

i only wish out loud
for you
peace

in
death

my heart sees
the silence
that lives
in your place

my bones know
you sleep
peacefully

so i tiptoe
while i
still live
where you lived

i feel your breath
upon the wind
i hear your
words
in my voice

I won't take you
from your
place

our love
is at peace
and sadly

i'm happy


ashen sunshine
fills the sky

goodbyes
merely leaves
that have
blown
beyond reach

words harsh as
vinegar
on bloodied
lips

salt cures
my broken heart


i'd never ask
to have you here

selfish hopes
for my
wishing heart



because
you closed your eyes

and the world
slipped
it's leash

kaleidescopic
insanity
plays in the park


and my love

my love

would spare you from it