1)  get a canvas

2)  get some unicorn paint

3)  paint a unicorn

4)  realize you can't paint a unicorn

5)  cry

6)  paint the moon

7)  put glitter and a horn on the moon

8)  pretend it's a fat unicorn

9)  be happy

10) show your dog

11) call the dog back into the room

12) show your dog again

13) get a new dog

14) show that dog

15) tell that dog it's being too critical

16) ask that dog to leave

17) put the picture in the bin

18) decide never to paint unicorns again

19) eat chocolate

20) decide to paint a dragon

so i went back into that room
and saw what i knew to still be there
covered in dust
blood
ash
and years of silence

not disturbing the scene
i closed my eyes to remember
the scent was still the same
death and fumes
and the quiet still deafened

but this is a necessary evil
i have to remember how to begin

and the floor still had my footprints
from years before
the blood, dried and dark
but they were mine
from where i last stood
in fear

i looked within the ashes
and found tiny footprints
the same as mine
all fleeing
toward me
and gathering around my own

and i saw where his led
out towards the door
wide steps that had paced and roared
black eyes
rolled over
like a sharks eyes
biting chunks from our souls
and i remember he called us ****
and he spat
he raged until he could not speak
spitting obscenities
clawing our soft baby skin

and we stood in silence
trying to remember
how to breathe

as he went
the door slammed so hard
the kitchen window cracked
we payed it no mind
but watched the door
holding hands and apron strings
holding our fingers to our lips
whispering
"please don't come back"

the sound of our silence
was the beginning
and now
i am in this room again
for myself this time
trying to to remember
how to begin once more

i take in the memory of that day
and again i lock it away
where it belongs
where it has lain dormant
for so many years

but now
now i add another
to the shelf alongside

this little memory box
burns my fingers
as i hold it
just this one time
as i put it in it's place

this one is made of teeth
and not bone
like the one before

it will be placed with the others
out if sight
and far out of reach
of my heart

i step out of the ashes
and leave behind
the tiny footprints
that had followed mine
out of this room
on that day

small, bloodied and wrecked
but still they followed
holding hands
and apron strings
following me
as i led them home

and this is how i remembered
how to begin
as i stepped from the room

i went to my children
with my heart in my hands

and in return
they gave me their love
to cushion my heart
they told me the things
i had forgotten

they told me how to begin
how to love

no matter the blood
no matter the ash
no matter the bone
no matter the teeth

i know i had forgotten
so many things
and they gave me in return
the thoughts that i had lost

upon their blessings
the hate in me cried out
as it was loved into submission

tiny feet led me by my apron strings
showing me how
i had once shown them
how to begin again

never has my heart ached
so much
as to see the nightmare unfold
i have shed the tears
only fit for a funeral
and when you are done
i will be here
i will paint colours today
as bright as the sky
more than rainbows
as big as the ******* moon
and dip my brush in my tears to clean
to rid my deep
of you
glitter will fill my room
and flowers bloom
i will play music
and shake the earth today
i will tear down every wall
to wipe you out
break every glass
and eat the shards
so i don't have the ******* taste of you
in my mouth
rip out my ******* veins
to purge your ******* venom
i don't know how to unfeel this hate
hate hurts
and bleeds on my hands
and everything i touch
will be tainted
but i won't have that
no ******* way
you've danced me in my life
long enough
*******
my meat suit never looked good on you anyway
you didn't even have the opposable thumbs
to do the buttons up
how do you process hate?
it ******* hurts
like a foreign body
wearing mine
again
an outpouring of grief
upon the ground
my heart aches
aches
i want to take it out

Its all horrible
We write it badly
We treat it poorly
We swim in it
We bath in it
We **** in it
We pollute it
And then we drink it all down
With all our dirt and filth
And blood and *****
We foam at the mouth for it
Perpetually thirsty for more
Hungry for our own human excrement and disease
Smearing ink in lustful fits
Burning paper and prayers begging the stars to deliver us to love
Or in true desperation
From love
Dog earring every page of a thesaurus
Yet never touching a dictionary
Four letter words disguised in elegant metaphors
All the flash of a deadpan affair
Of little meaning and no significance
We trudge through it day after day
Wasting our yesterday's
Chasing the forever distant tomorrow
Completely forgetting today again and again
We claim to dream
But never sleep
We die before we ever live
We only love to pretend
And only pretend to love
While whispering that four letter word
In the dark
Under stars and sheets
Moaning the minutes away
Grinding flesh over bones
Faking death as we carelessly spill life
Between ******* and on low backs
The four letter word echoing along our spines
As we come down from hollow ectasy
Then we bath in it
Swim in it
Pollute it
Treat it poorly
And worst of all write it down
The horrible act of poetry

the moth man
is waiting
for the moment

to pin You
little moth

so delightful
is the light
so light
so bright

You can't
but help
battering yourself
silly

little moth

hide from his light
take flight
little moth

for the light
is night
and death
becomes

oh little moth
i beg
take flight

the moth man pins
whilst You flutter

pins while You shine

While You shine
so bright

he pins

he takes your light
little moth


just out
of sight

a real person took me to one side
and said
"look at your feet
firmly planted on the ground
see how my eyes
see yours
hear my voice"
looking away he said
"they are all just words
made into verse
pointing, he spoke softly
behind the screen
there is nothing that can harm
press the button
and they simply disappear
he gently brushed my hair
from my eyes
"there see
they are but wisps of cloud
halls of mirrors
where nothing is real
and it's reality...
an illusion
kissing me gently
he whispered
and the only dreams you need live in
are the real ones
*you share with me"

if the world would only but fall away
and i be left in the void
such need for silence such need for still
to be without
without even the ...
everything
of everything
or anything
but mostly ...
everything
i used all my spoons
and borrowed from tomorrow
and some from Friday too
too loud too hard too noise
too sound too feel too many
too hear too taste too sense
too full too open too wide
too much too much
too much
all i can do is close the door
and be glad
i can't get out