The worst part is not knowing i'm about to drown.
The worst part is about how I drown.
No matter how far inland I travel,
there will always be sand between my toes,
silt under my finger nails,
and water in my lungs.

I wait patiently for the moon to bring the next tide.
Marking off the days until it comes to collect me.
And there is no point telling the moon,
"Sir I thank you all the same but, not today.."
And no matter the meadow I walk in,
I still breathe in the salty sea air
and it tires me so.

Picking the daisies.
Pulling off petals.
Today? not today? today? not today? today..

And you have to say goodbye each and every time.
How I wish I could stay.
Holding onto my hand.
You can only but watch
while I gasp for breath.
Panic fills my eyes as I lay among the flowers.
With the sky so pretty and so blue.
  
But I know how cold it is down there,
as the sea drags me deep.
Down I sink,
into it's murky depths.
Fathoms deep.

And I know that drowning
is the last thing I need to be worried about.
It's not what you die from,
it's how you die.
Drowning is nothing,
nothing compared to how I will die today.

And when all the air is gone.
And my lungs are full of brine.
And the fear of dieing is now.
The silence will begin.
There is a vast nothing.
Nothing to hear,
and nothing to see.
Nothing to feel,
and the sky is no more.

And when my skin is water logged
and grey,
the tide will turn.

I open my eyes to see the silver reflections,
like mirrored shards in the sea's sky.
I can see the watercolour sky through the sky
and it is a most beautiful blue.  
It is as if you had painted it just for me.
Just so I could find my way back home.
And maybe today there will be a sun.
And tonight there might be clouds.
And later,
when I am finally asleep,
there will be all of the stars.

And I will know that this time,
maybe this time, I will have lived again.

And my skin will be warmed by the sunshine.
And I will lay in the fragant meadow grass,
listening to your voice,
softly saying my name.

And I must count all of my fingers,
and I must count all of my toes.
Just to make sure
that all of me came back home.
Before the tide comes in.

Silhouettes and shadows
live in your mind
there is no colour
just porous charcoals
swallowed into the void
where the darkness seeps inside
the night is long and dark
and the silence stretches on
for an eternity

Corridors of sorrow
each door opens to the next
closets wide and full
where your misery hangs
a new suit for everyday
you talk in an undertone
muting all supplication
whispering no forgiveness
I am forever in torment

And here lies the devastation
from a time long past
and there is blood on the walls
blood on your hands
you enjoy it's colour
holding it up to the light
it tastes like mine

screams of sadness
echos of tears
shadows of time
if you would only but abandon me
for I am not here
and the shadows..
they are not mine
not mine I tell you
not my shadows
not my blood
please.. don't let them be mine
they cannot be mine...
but they are

I beg of you
let me be
unbind me from your dreams
open your eyes
and see

So silently I lay
among the eggshells
the barbed wire
and the books of memories
but I beg of you
if you would only but unwrite me
then I will be on my way
I will never look back..
I promise

Searching for a way out
I know that I  have died
I know it now
I feel my death
it is in the air
my love
but a festering corpse
my laughter
tolls the end of time
my happiness
an unmarked grave
I lay in Sheol
and in hades you have lain me
but I do not sleep

This is where I reside
and I cannot escape your oblivion
the cage of torment
that you keep me in
you are easily amused

please hear me
just one more time
if you would only but forget me
and let me truly be dead
please
*just let me be

Dear You

I wanted to write and tell you all the things I think you should know.
I wanted to tell you that.. you are amazing and I love your words.
Every comma, every consonant, every vowel, every **** syllable.
I feel your heart pour onto the page and it makes me hold my breath.
And pray.
Because .. even the angels need to know what you write, well, that's what they should be preaching.

And I know that times are hard for you, and I feel that too. I know just a little of how that feels. It's not quite the same but, I have anxiety and I worry a lot and I always think I am going to die and my heart races and the world is just too big and it's too loud and tries to eat me alive... and...  
I wish I was invisible.
Maybe that is nothing like the things you face. But you are not alone and I know you are brave. Braver than me... is braver a word? braver.. braver.. more brave, bravest?
Any way... the thing is ...  I will be here should you need me, you just call out my name and you know where ever I am, I'll come running... wait a minute... that's actually a song... I'm quoting some song lyrics to you.. yeah... this is why I don't actually go out much, and probably why I am single..
Okay, I know I am messing all of this up so, I just want to tell you, before I ruin everything.. you are wonderful. You are brave and courageous. You have a soul that I can feel through your words and I think it is beautiful. You are a waterfall of wondrous things. And I hope I can tell you that, I just want you to be my friend...
And if you say yes, that would make two.

Okay I hafta go
Just don't stop writing okay... never stop being wonderful.
Lots of Love
Me
**

You can hear me reading this here...
https://soundcloud.com/rachael-435397529

Probably quite dreadful but I tried :o)