flirting with death

by smoking my life away

throwing it down the toilet

starving my self of lifes good fortune

literally am waiting for

the grim reaper to
knock knock

on my door with a pretty grave

and a comforting hand

but if i had the chance

to re-think it all

i wouldn't give in just yet

feeling the simplest things

like the breeze on my face

a breath of fresh air after

being consumed by so many
tears

and the moments where you feel

like everything will be
alright

but then here i am

flirting with death

leading it on

with words of want

only to shoot it down

with the buts and maybes
and what ifs

death is a one time thing

life isn't always here to stay

so if we are born to die

do deadly things to feel alive

what is the real path

we are taking

if it all just feels like a
big circle?

There is a city that only I inhabit, and there is one in you, too
but that must mean houses are there
or a hotel one may stay during a visit. I guess it depends
on who you ask, if they believe in an everlasting love big enough
to fill the whole metropolis inside a person.
I did not know until I met you that cavities within me
could welcome a second resident and he would stay staring at
these organs without
thinking they look unnatural, like paintings x-rays EKG screens.
I am sorry for explaining this to everyone but I am just
so happy that my heartbeat  sounds like
a ticking clock to you – we hold bodies that tell their own time.

she withers away
mind
and
body
she hears the whispers
of her once
beloved friends
-now the only love she gets
is the tug of her razor
across her skin-
they say things like
"what happened to her,"
and
"she used to be so happy,"
but they are wrong
nothing happened to her
and i can guarantee
that she was never happy
she just got tired
of the fake her
that seamlessly
took over her life

I did not drown in the sea as I had feared
I simply became one with the waves
I will not deny the initial pain
A result of my resistance to change
Months were spent gasping for air
The air my lungs no longer needed
It was you who swam beneath
You who taught me to surrender
I finally stopped fighting
And gulped the salty water
Now we swim side by side
Our heartbeats matching the rhythm of the tide

I think of you
Every time I reach
For my pack
Fit snugly
In my pocket.
Steal a smoke,
Put it gently
Between my lips
And light it up
Just to take a few
Hits; filling my
Lungs with tainted
Air I wouldn't dare
Wish another
To breathe.

Exhale to the left
So it goes
Along with the
Wind toward
The mountains
And away from
The memory of
You. I remember
How that day
Driving home from
school, windows
Down and a smoke
Between my fingers
Hanging slightly
In the open
Air, when I was
Distracted by the
Sight of your
Car tailing me
All the way home.

Remember how
You kissed me
So tenderly
As to distract
My eyes from
Your hands
Slowly moving
Down my side
Making me
Shiver in anticipation
Expecting more
Like we used to do.
Instead you
Sneak my Spirits
Out of my
Grasp, taking
My crutch away
And all I can ask
For is just
one more.

You kiss me for
A second time.
I say that is
Not what I
Meant and you
Know it.
You smile
And tell me
That's what
Addicts say.
I remember you
Getting out
Of my car and
Break every single
Smoke in the pack,
Finally throwing
Them away and
Look at me.

I don't look
Back. All I hear
Is your voice
Saying words I
Tried to tune
Out but couldn't
Quite get the
Ringing of the
Love I felt when
You finally
Told me I was
Better than this.
I promised I
Would stop and
Your stringing of
Words gave
Me the strength I
Thought I lost
When I first
Started
Killing myself.

Five hundred and eighty-four
Days I stood by my
Word until I broke
And you were no longer
There to pick up
The pieces.
I think of you every time
I reach for a smoke.
No longer keeping
Track of days
Because I have
Been stuck at Day 1
For too long
To know how it felt
To be free from
A crutch I don't
Know how to
Give up.

Or maybe I
Just don't want to
Because every time
I bring that smoke
To my lips to
Take a drag, I feel
Guilt and dread
And no
Self-worth
But
I think of you.

little dark girl with
kind eyes
when it comes time to
use the knife
I won't flinch and
i won't blame
you,
as I drive along the shore alone
as the palms wave,
the ugly heavy palms,
as the living does not arrive
as the dead do not leave,
i won't blame you,
instead
i will remember the kisses
our lips raw with love
and how you gave me
everything you had
and how I
offered you what was left of
me,
and I will remember your small room
the feel of you
the light in the window
your records
your books
our morning coffee
our noons our nights
our bodies spilled together
sleeping
the tiny flowing currents
immediate and forever
your leg my leg
your arm my arm
your smile and the warmth
of you
who made me laugh
again.
little dark girl with kind eyes
you have no
knife. the knife is
mine and i won't use it
yet.