I still dream about the home my lifegivers nestled in in hopes to start life anew in a country that will once begin to tear
All over in the course of years,
They began to paint over the white walls with the yells that bounced from wall to wall.
Never realizing our big family will soon turn small.
Everything was blue, and only two spots became red.
That was the day my father realized he had the strength to break down this nest with his very hands.
I turned and saw mother, multicolored with blue red and purple. As expected, she always had an eye for colors.
I turned to see my siblings, cornered and shaking so hard, our blue began to stain the floor.
Seeping through the cracks and digging into the dirt which will eventually begin to tear down the house.
A grand finale of a door slammed shut.
No back turns, just left us in the rut.
I sleep and wake up into the mixture of birds singing,
and in the next room my mother is crying.
I open my door and it falls to my feet.
I look around, and I'm overwhelmed with defeat.
Our house is broken, it's all gone now.
The dwindling love that once blossomed is extinguished now.
I pick up the pieces and begin to rebuild.
Surround the walls around my mother, to keep her safety sealed.

Because sadness can’t be left alone, sadness stays and seeps into you in hopes to weather into your mind and heart until the process of deterioration begins.
... You see,

I didn't understand love for awhile since.
Hardship after hardship, it still never made sense.
I came to realize that love is painful.
Love is sorrowful.
Love is beautiful.
Love is blissful.
Love is the act of rebuilding a broken house.
It isn't just about your spouse.
Love is inviting forgiveness into your rebuilt house in order to keep moving.
Soon enough, those feelings can be packed into boxes and displayed in the new house you move in.
And although there are still many cracks and torn down roofs,
The strength of the wall shows that love is bulletproof.

I have yet to learn more about love, about forgiving, about betterment.
But for now, I'll keep rebuilding my own home with more bricks and cement.

good for nothing failure.
that's what you are.
a loser who cant be up to society's par.
always finding the easy way out.
going to the most wrong and jagged routes.
such a coward,
such a mess.
no wonder you're always so alone and depressed.
no one wants you here,
why dont you just die?
nobody will miss you,
nobody will cry.
you're just wasting oxygen,
you're just wasting space.
why dont you slit your wrists so you can be erased?
what? too scared now to slice your arms?
don't want people to see that you self harm?
how pathetic, how tragic you are as a person.
i hope more bad things happen to you so it can show you a lesson.
your pleas only provoke my demands.
your persistence will make me send you to hell for eternal ****.
shut up, no one wants to hear you speak.
everyone thinks you're an ugly stupid freak.
you hate yourself, and other people do to.
that is why all your friends and boyfriend left you.
stupid ****, you cant do anything right.
always so whiny and uptight.
look at everyone, theyre laughing at you.
your stupid face, your stupid reactions, i know you see it to.
you're a disappointment to everyone around you.
that's why no one praises you for the **** that you do.
you are disgusting.
every single cell in your body is sickening.
cant even imagine how horrible it is to wake up with it in a daily.
no one is to blame for all this **** but yourself, but maybe,
here's a suggestion:
G O  K I L L  Y O U R S E L F .

I know I have the capabilities to succeed...
But it's so hard when depression clings onto you,
Plants its seed into your brain,
And grows bigger and heavier each day,
All the while the roots dig deep into your cerebral cortex,
And feeds off of your saltwater tears and the dull light of your bedroom.

It grows,

and grows,                                        

                                 and grows,

Into a helpless plant that entraps you within.
Closing you away from light,
Eating into you like a fly in a fly trap.

It's the secluded feeling that makes you insane.
Waiting it out until it frees you from itself.

But it just keeps growing,

                                                    big­ger

and stronger.                                                      

­
And it always seems like the only way you can stop it,
Is from killing it from where it started.

Why do you say you care,
when you dont even care to listen to what's beneath my hair?

All you care about is ******* a person that only loves you just for that.
All you care about is your own selfish needs.
All you care about is your small problems you whine so much about.
(Seriously, it's starting to get on my nerves.)
All you care about is the people you haven't been able to ****.
All you care about is your relationship.
All you care about is using your mental illness to get what you want.
All you care about is manipulating those who are dear to you.
All you care about is revolving your world around toxic people.
All you care about is the horrible parts of yourself.

And yet,
You don't understand why your friends are in pain.
Or why you don't even have any friends at all.
You don't understand why he loves your body so much but not your heart.
You don't understand why you're still sad.
You don't understand why people step all over you.
You don't understand why you are so alone.
You don't understand why you tear yourself apart.
You don't understand why I am mad at you.

And yes,
I have been mad at you for such a very long time.
Because I, your friend, will sneak out of my house with just a dime.
And I can turn this shiny coin to your vibrant smile.
I can twist the tides to make the ship sail less violent.
I can break my bones and rip my skin to make you a comfortable tent.
I can listen to you and watch you cry as you vent.
I can be the comfort you seek solely from your relationship.
I can say magical things that can transform your hurricane to calm waters.
I can tear myself apart just for you.

And yet,
You are still not here for me.

I hope my name sticks to you,
like a regrettable tattoo.