Lawrence Hall
[email protected]Dispatches for the Colonial Office
A Dialogue Between Two Elderly Ladies Being Driven to their
Medical Appointments by a Mere Stupid Man
With Occasional Asides to and About Said Stupid Man
“That sign said forty miles. I don’t think it’s forty miles. Do you think it’s forty miles?”
“It was forty miles last month but they could have changed it since then; I don’t know.”
"My son in California has fine sense of distance.”
“I’m sure there’s a reason for that.”
“The backup camera is smudged.”
“I never use the backup camera myself. He shouldn’t use it either.”
“I don’t think you closed the liftgate properly.”
“You don’t need your turn signal here.”
“I think he does need his turn signal here. USE YOUR TURN SIGNAL HERE!”
“I don’t think he needed his turn signal. That just confuses the other cars.”
“It’s not the cars; it’s the drivers.”
“I know that. He shouldn’t have used the turn signal anyway. I don’t like it.”
“I’m worried about that liftgate. I still don’t think he closed it just right.”
“Is that your ‘phone ringing?”
“No, is it your ‘phone?”
“It’s not my ‘phone. Is it his ‘phone?”
“IS THAT YOUR ‘PHONE!?”
“THEN WHOSE ‘PHONE IS IT!?”
“Oh, it is my ‘phone.”
“I told you it was your ‘phone.”
“No you didn’t. And it sounds just like your ‘phone.”
“My ‘phone doesn’t sound like yours at all. My son in California got me this unique ringtone.”
“About that liftgate…”
“Is he going too fast? I THINK YOU’RE GOING TOO FAST!”
“He has to follow the speed limit signs.”
“My son in California doesn’t have all those speed limit signs.”
“This isn’t California.”
“I know that; I was just saying he doesn’t need all those speed limit signs.”
“Are you sure you closed that liftgate properly?”
“This is our turn…Turn here…This is our turn!...THAT WAS OUR TURN! YOU PASSED IT BY! Oh…wait…it wasn’t our turn…well it was the right turn last week.”
“No, it was the left turn.”
“I meant the right turn on our left. That was the right turn.”
“But it wasn’t the right turn.”
“I didn’t mean the right turn on the left I meant the correct turn on the left. You know what I mean.”
“How can I know what you mean when you don’t know what you mean when I say you don’t know what I mean when I say you don’t mean…something.”
“I need to check that liftgate when we stop.”
“Is this the right entrance? I don’t remember this entrance.”
“This is always the entrance.”
“It wasn’t the right entrance the last time.”
“Yes, it was. Don’t you remember that man smoking by the door?”
“Well, he’s not there now. I tell you he’s smoking at the right entrance; this is the wrong entrance.”
“You can’t expect a man who smokes to know what entrance he should use.”
“Can we go home by a shorter route? My son in California says he knows a better road that’s half the distance.”
“I forgot to check the liftgate. Can we stop?”
“Will you have us back home in time for our soaps?”
“He can if he drives fast enough.”
“Why did he schedule our appointments for ten, then?”
“He didn’t schedule them; we did.”
“No, you did. I was only listening when you did.”
“Then why didn’t you say something when you were listening instead of just listening you could have said something but you didn’t, you just listened.”
“I don’t think so. And I want to watch my soaps. And does he have to hit all the red lights? When my son in California drives he doesn’t have all those red lights. CAN’T YOU MISS SOME OF THOSE RED LIGHTS!?”
“Your son’s not here.”
“He’s got an important job. And that liftgate is rattling.”