undress
peel the layers
of skin

find the name
of every boy
carved into a
rib

the bones are like
flower petals
the blood like
a river

fed it the lavender
heat of want
and neglect

paint it on your
skin the war paint
of trying too hard

of giving up

find her in pieces
each and everyone
with your name on it
only yours
only yours
only yours

she pried every rib out
years ago, used them
to burn at the alter
of every loss and

every longing
and she still holds onto
the ribbons used
to connect you

the one you untied
years ago

they don't taste right -
other boys.  they put their
hands on me and my brain
is the tornado and my mouth
is the hurricane and they
don't taste right. too much
salt, not enough sugar.
like a meal, always missing
something, never quite
sure what.

I never had that problem with
you. you were always just
right, tasted like warm whiskey
and strong coffee. always knew
where to put your hands.

I wish you'd carry my body back
to the river, to the ocean, to the underwater
abyss where it belongs.
my bones have been used as kindling too
many times, my heart the flame,
my blood the life pumping through veins
that have never been under my skin.
my ashes have been spread in graveyards
I never meant to die in and they take
my fingers, they take my hands,
held above the fire for warmth, held
in the candle wax, calling it my rebirth.
I wish you'd give my body back, still
feel the map of me being rewritten by
your fingertips, the weight of you,
the breath that was no longer mine to
take, or mine to give.
the way you anchored my soul, tethered
it to 'home' but you forgot to take it with you
when we left. nothing's been home since.

tired of the mess
tired of bleeding from
the hole in my chest
tired of feeding mouths
that aren't mine
tired of going hungry
tired of empty hands
tired of the give and
the give and the never
get, tired of empty
hands empty heart
empty house tired
of the hole in my chest

you will always be a part of me
and I both hate you
and love you
for that

let me fall down the well
into chaos, into rebirth, into
wonderland. let me drown,
let me disappear, disintegrate.
I hope you watch me go,
watch my body sink into
grave you dug for me,
baptized in the water you
poisoned. something about
the way you designed my
destruction will always
sign the masterpiece in my hand,
though, and you'll carry the
grief and I'll carry the blame.

to hold on
to let go
you're in
my heart
but you're
still not
home