i am aware
-the decisions i make
-the things i consider
-the time i spend
i am aware of it all
-of the consequences
-of the change
-of the things it'll bring

and i still
walk the line
avoiding the worst
through dumb luck
or just a really
tired guardian spirit

or perhaps others just know
not to let me drag myself
down there with them

i don't think
even for how much
i try to be stupid
that i'm anything less than
relieved
when it just doesn't work out

i seek approval from things
that don't matter at all
i seek meaning from a number
i crave what i know
is not a state of my value
but the number of people
who happened to look this way

and i’m part of the mute mass
observers with a voice
reserved to save energy
on obligations and have to’s

and i am the go-between
guilty over my exhaustion
inability to help all i see

and i am a creator
with power in my words
held in the eyes and minds
of others. not my own hands
and to be heard is the
entirety of why words exist

dear little me
you'll never stop failing
and you'll start taking things seriously
you'll lose your meaning and your goal
many times over

but oh my gods
we've always been stubborn, haven't we?
rebuilding ourselves
and our wings
and our dreams
till we've come back to the first design
the thing we never took seriously
not then
but now

that wishful thought
or that idea kept to the side
that "if i do this then maybe but"
we took a long path
just to return to the beginning
but i'm ready this time

you'll be ready

does meaningless
mean something to you
do you become free when
when something
loses meaning

we'd normally
invent a new word
for that feeling

in meaningless
i release how precious
my time is
and all the things I
should have been doing
instead of this

I'll run out of words I said
I'll run out of words if I keep talking

-have you?

I think so
there's only so many things to say
in so many ways
I'll spend my time trying to say it new
just so I can keep talking
I'm obsessed with the fear of
R E P E T I T I O N

she told me "shut up and let me teach"
and I became obsessed
with the fear of being
T O O  M U C H

I haven't heard the third word
of what anyone has said for
a while and some more now

-only a fool speaks too much

because if you talk for long enough
people will see the holes in you
stay quiet and others fill in the holes for you

Oh sweetheart
you're as reliable as a thumb tack
holding up a poster to an event
you've always wanted to go to
as predictable as a Tuesday
at a minimum wage job
with open availability
cute as the button on a leather jacket
that poped off as soon
as the thread got loose
as fascinating as an ordinary moment
caught at a new angle on a rainy day
a puzzle I don't want to finish
but can't stop putting together
a book written in simple words
with a twist that has me hooked

as frustrating as a love poem
written by someone
who doesn't know how to love
not like this

raised to believe stagnation is a death
to stay still even in safety is a *****
never to be content with good enough
even when good enough is your best
never to take a rest
because to rest is a *****
that they say I am always falling down
there is always something to reach
“but dont you dare reach for what you love”

this is a loveless cruel thing
to never rest is to reach the end
before you’ve done anything at all
rest is not a stand still
but a chance to grow in a different way
and to reach for something you dont love
is a mocking insult to your heart and soul
that I will take no part of