sitting here with a cup of coffee
and a beautiful view of the beach
watching all the idiots running by
(because in my opinion it's one of
the most touristy things you can do)
and I'm trying to sort things out
but it's not good enough, never is
and this fog rolls in, blocking my view
and it shows how little anything matters
we are all b sides standing on the edge of
nothingness

i guess i should lace up my running shoes.

She’s hurting. No one can tell.
She hides it very naturally.
Makeup, hair, and clothes all in place.
Clothes that catches people’s eyes, puts a thought in heads.
“She's happy, she has everything or she must live a pretty great life”
She walks with her high, ready to greet people when needed.
Never a long conversation, just a short and sweet one to leave a good impression.
Walks down the street confidently; someone hollers at her… no turn of her.
Helps the old lady across the street.
Grabs a cup of coffee before going home.
But when the door shuts, she shuts down.
Everything you saw of her is now put away ready for the next day.
The real her is behind the door.
Real pain, sorrow digging deep inside of her.
Sinking deep into her bath soaking in the day.
No extraordinary day; just a repeat like a skip in an old record player.
Feels as if nothing will ever change.
Something is growing inside of her… anger.
Anger that is coming to the surface telling her something.
She turns off the water and cries.
The level of the water goes up from all the tears running down her face.
“Whats a girl like her crying for, she has everything”
Sooner or later she’s floating with all her tears, pain and sorrow.
Sooner or later no one will see that girl who walks confidently down the streets.
Smile plastered on her face with a welcoming hand.
Soon you’ll see head lines of who you always thought was happy.
But was dying inside.

i do not understand
i     do    not     understand

how can someone brighten all your darkness
yet strip away your light
how can someone fix all your broken pieces
yet break them more than ever
how can someone promise to stay by your side
yet abandon you at the first opportunity
how can someone leave you when they said they wouldn't
yet expect you to be there when they crawl back
how can someone tell you that you don't care about them
yet you have told them countless times you care more than ever
how can someone tell you they will just forget about you
yet you could never erase them from your memory

i just do not understand
how can love be such a contradiction

s.s

One fleeting chance to catch you between trapezes
Yet my head was bowed, my thoughts immersed
In another dream of another life that i longed to live
A moments lapse careers you to that downward spiral
Through all those safety nets, all those webs we wove
Once so secure borne from our labour, love and toil
Exposed now like a promise of night through a civil dawn
As you fall through each of my declarations of trust
You blow out the candles and knock out the lights
Of celebrations and occasions now shattered like glass

Blackness descending through this never blinking eye
As those moments and time perpetually relive yet resist
The blood still refusing to flow freely through my veins
As i sit and wait for this evening coffee to run cold
That i may embrace the sanctuary of night once more
For I was one that could never dream in the dark
No more than one who could ever make amends
Between those two trapezes that signaled our end

I was five when I asked my mother,
while holding a box of crayons,
"What color is me?"
She smiled and explained I was the color yellow;
radiant and life giving.

I grew, and grew, and when I was ten I asked my mother again,
"What color am I?"
She leaned really close.
Looking me up and than down.
"Blue," she spoke.
"The color of the skies and sea's.
Vast in wisdom and deep with honesty."

When I was fifteen
and started to come into myself,
I asked my mother again,
"What color am I this day?"
She looked at me, reading me as if I was  book.
"Red. You are the color red.
Unshakable with passion but uncertain in your strength."  

The year I turned twenty, my life was barely beginning.
I was filled with such trepidation about moving away from my family.
I asked my mother, standing in the threshold of our home,
"What color am I now?"

My mother paused in her answer,
her eyes seeing something I never would or could.
A smile spread on her tired face,

"My darling little girl,"

She spoke touching my cheeks.

"You are the color of the sun, yellow; radiant and life giving.

You are the color of the skies and sea's, blue; vast in wisdom and deep with honesty.

You are the color red; unshakable with passion, and most certain in your strength.

My bright and shining daughter,
you are a rainbow for all to see.