the sun can shine
you can look happy
and the wind can still freeze
and you can still be crying
even when you seem perfectly fine
even when it seems you are as happy as you can be
you can still feel useless
drifting through the wind
just like a piece of garbage
you can still feel like your already six feet under
like no one wants you
like your already dead
even if you hide it perfectly

i wish i could give you my pain
not to hurt you
i would never wish that
but so that you could understand
I'm not broken
or shattered
i am beautifully rebuilt

every time you curse my name
i know you cant let go
every time you call me out
I know you want control
every time you break me down
i now ill get back up
every time you take from me
i know he wont
every time i let him in
i know he loves me true
but every time i think of you
i still cry into a pillow

i wish i could put my emotions in a box
wish I could hide them
from you
from her
from everyone who's seen me break
but instead, i shatter
trying to hold back tears
wiping my eyes
while you rush to hold me
while you rush to hug me
drying my tears from my cheeks
in a way that make me feel i am enough
even without putting my emotions in a box

where am i
when i close my eyes
when i sing the words
that are painted on the pages
but somehow they speak to me
like they where written for me
like they are speaking to me
where am i
when you smile at me
and my stomach floats
when we harmonize perfectly
where am i
when you speak to my heart
I'm probably giving in
to the idea of new love

he will be my best friend
he will be kind
he will be exciting

when i meet him
he will make me smile
he will dry my tears
he will want me

when i meet him
he will understand me
he will see through my mask
he will want me for who i am

when i meet him
whoever he may be
i will know
because he will be perfect for me

i hope your taller then me
so i can wear heels
but not to tall
so we can kiss without having to be on my tippy toes
i hope your fun loving
so we can dance barefoot in the grass
but not to fun loving
so you know when its time to stop
i hope your kind
so that it affects every person around you
but not to kind
so you don't get walked all over
i hope you've had it hard at some point
so you can understand my tears
but not to hard
so you can still smile when i see you
i hope you love me
so the forever ive dreamed of comes true
i hope you love me
so i can read you this poem
on our 50th anniversary and be in love all over again