Am I all good?
Can you dose me?
Ease the main pain
taken hold of me.
Broken me -
holding myself together
without choking me.
Falling asleep now,
and as I come down
I slip up on a dream.
Trip myself awake,
tripping on whatever kind of medicate
is flowing through my veins
and jolting awake my bones,
snapped like a candy cane.

Vain love,
a low blow
hung in the air,
an echo.
Throwback,
Go ahead, laugh.
Still trapped,
all my selves still overlap,
layered lives,
thicker skin,
various fractal faces.

Awaiting first whispers of winter,
wanting to know the winner
who won with a splinter,
a thorn in the side.
Hardly noticed the leaves fall
or you leave.
You left, right?
Flaked on plans made,
snowflakes made
higher than when the trees shed
but on the same path.
Routes like a spiral,
Roots like a spiral.
Viral downward motions,
contagious and cold.
Dorothy told Alice
they weren't in Wonderland anymore
because that ruby tapping
woke them up.
Haunting grins lingering.
"What, Toto?"
We did.
It's all done.
Around again doth winter come.
Never spoke we of the sun.

even the strongest walls break down if beaten on enough,
starting out smooth and sturdy,
struck by forces of nature,
the barrier trembles and cracks.
the peak of the earthquake will bring it to the ground.
a destructed structure
no longer guards against any impact.
beaten barricade lying in ruins,
askew upon the earth,
scattered failure to contain passion.
exhaling a sigh of relief,
prisoners intertwine with by-passers,
leaving everyone breathless.
they must be captured and chained.
attempting to control these new sensations
only brings about the wonder
of unexplored phenomena.
in the location of defeat a door is erected.
a tribute to the knowledge of euphoria,
it remains unopened waiting
for lovers
to render it unhinged once again.

I told myself it was good enough because it's what I used to write anyways. It was never very classy but at least it was something. There are times when it's enough to pretend it was real.
This time I was lying naked in my bed in the dark. Finally getting used to sleeping without clothes on. That's when I remembered the blue hair. I doubt this is anything but that's the fun of it I guess. A dream within a dream. Her legs are peaches and cream in those little dresses. The weird thing is I have to set up a back-story before I can get to the meat of the situation. Before I could choose the entirely wrong word to describe a lesbian encounter. Not meat. The opposite.
    and so much more delicious.

I think it was because I winked at her. Our smirks matched.
                   this was cute.

This vivid imagination can sometimes be a curse.
Haunted with visions,
memories playing all around me,
like a movie.

A reachable dream, just out reach.
Teasing me.
Letting me see what I could have,
but not letting me have it.

My mind grabs for it,
trying to steal a cookie from the cookie jar.
It gets caught, and it gets punished.

One day it will be strong enough to defend itself.
Then it can have what it wants.

"starlight, star bright, the first star i see tonight
i wish i may, i wish i might, have the wish i wish tonight."
and a calm puff of breath scattering the seeds of a dandelion,
and every coin i ever threw into a well or a fountain,
and each eyelash that i found sitting on my cheek,
birthday candles, some of which i cant recall,
the breastbone of a fowl, snapped in my favor,
the unspecified commonality between these,
resemble a question that never had an answer.
this sort of hopeful inquiry always piled atop
a mountain of absolute certainty,
a peak charted as Belief,
highly elevated,
forever pointing up,
gently whispers from the clouds,
"never forget, always persevere"
because the rocks know us better then we know ourselves
and they are the proof that an Answer exists

You yearn for yawns all day long,
Sleeping sprawled across the lawn
while sun glows on your cheeks
and winds sprinkle seeds.
Sticking, getting stuck
in your dark hair.
White little wishes
dotted here and there,
spaced out equally as a
constellation that could blow away
at any second, no hesitation.
Guessed the pearls you hide
smiled wide like stars too,
But beautiful
from skies and oceans,
like your eyes.
Salty and blue,
please dont cry.
When the sun sets,
Get ready, go.
Dark gaps also
like your hair and teeth
lead to tomorrows rise.
See the sea, we saw the sky.
Sighed while sleeping
side by side.

Good pictures.
Mind dream,
and pounding.
I want your way,
perhaps hallucination.
This be, I like.
Keep you,
my hands.
Again.
If I lust,
try you.
All of it.
Close spoken future.
Noises,
Lost bodies.
Come, touch quickly.
Soft air had passion,
going sure.
Kiss the moment,
dont want the dark.
Passion at a turn of thought.
Again.
Moon, keep going,
especially when I feel like this.
Delve like this.
Have me.
I will feel this touch again,
Knowing these lips.
I can imagine air and not you,
dreams on the inside.
First mouths, first tongues.
In no time.
Lips place.
Bone.
You know I've been alone,
And I shouldn't be hungry.
Heard lust.
Spoken to me.
Tongues even help me.
Your parts, everyday.
I've been feeling surreal,
trying to envision,
what to imagine.
Tested many,
resist.
Lying, tastes.
Body recalls feeling so much.
Hungry already.
Down in a second.
You again.

Can't stop thinking of the words...
I have a problem then
because I cant go around
thinking of the words.
They aren't nice words.
They are nice things but
not nice words.
And this is so because
these things are secret.
Because you don't talk
about these things except
behind closed doors,
when we all know
that these things are better
than any of the other things we have.

Mind numbing. Self induced dumbing.
Thumbing through a book that could change my life.
I just want to believe something.
Whatever thing screamed the loudest
in my immediate surroundings.
I need substance to lean on.
A crutch.
So dependent on a distraction.
From what?
Too much.
I want to pull the thread but I don't want the unravel.
Any thing that takes my mind off the fear
of an answer to the unquenchable query.
"Tell me the truth."
"Wait, no. Please don't."
If I know then I have to do something about it.
And I wouldn't even know what to do.
Too late.
I heard you.
At the end of all this I shall be deemed guilty.

Why didn't she help?

My legs are made of jello.
I keep inhaling and exhaling
in awe and disbelief
whispering "oh my god"
to myself
as I walk home.
Did that really just happen?
I really felt that,
it was mine for a moment.
I had the shape of your body,
the taste of your lips,
the sound of your breath.
They entranced me.
Your fingertips
dance across me.
I haven't felt this,
it's new.
I've felt a longing mostly,
so the mutual desire
it blows my mind.
I can see it all over your face
when you look at me,
and you actually see me.
Caught up in a tornado,
a whirlwind of lust.
Your touches tingle.
I'm breathing way too loud
and too fast.
Still in disbelief
of where your hands are
on my body.
Entirely focused on your fingers.
****.
Everything about you feels so good.

Let these words touch you and pull you in close.
Feel me grasping at your body with feverish passion.
Hear my breath on your neck.
Could these words ever make you feel how much I need you?
My fingertips dancing across your skin letter by letter.
Each sentence wrapping around to embrace you.
The empty space between each word, a longing to kiss you.
Love in writing.

I convinced myself it wouldn't be different.
I would just be holding your hand sometimes,
to feel a bit closer.
Some moments would be ever so slightly sweetened
yet beautiful in their own right.
We would be sleeping side by side,
dreaming together.
Without being reminded we would be cared for.
I would be able to see what I love about life reflected off of you.
You would be my favorite shoulder to rest on.
I would be your friend. I would be your lover.
I would be
we could be
but you can't.

A prowling lion,
A hungry wolf.
Any number of things
may feast on me
because I am weak.
Sharp teeth
Sharper claws
my meek sensibility
cowers beneath.
A docile sheep dies
a quiet bird hides,
and somewhere silently
courage cries.
Fragile faith
manipulated grace,
ripping expression
right from my face.
Torn and shattered
bones and flesh,
cracked teeth
and broken speech.
Strong yet humble,
with placid rage.
I wear the many faces of
a desperate plague.

Rain, wind, thunder, lightening,
A watchful eye persists.
Gusts of air, invisible shoves
tormenting the tides.
Each wave exerts itself
testing the power of wind versus water.
At first they battle
but suddenly teaming up
they wreak havoc on everything
that has the ability to come to an end.
For while each force has the ability to remain calm
neither can ever cease,
Ever have limits,
Ever die.

I am the snake bearing fruit.
The one with the sneaky soul.
These gifts I bring are not sincere.
Here's hoping the sweetness destroys you.
My motives are in question.
They always have been.
I am not a good person.
There is death behind this smile.

Start up the engine and recover the momentum
that propels you through the day.
Like every day you woke up and were already happy
just because something new had begun, and was shining.
Or raining.
Even when you woke up and it was still dark and down-pouring,
you trusted the sun to be behind it somewhere.
And after all, we owe so much of ourselves to the sun.
We worship it because it has a natural way of making us feel,
like we're alive.
Like we're inside of it and around it and it glows fire,
through us, because of us.
We are all ablaze
and all combined.
All of us a part of some infinite inferno,
that I cant even fathom.

I don't just want to sleep with you.
I have undefined feelings for you,
which span past that.
Now I'm getting worried.
Back in your cage, heart,
this isn't safe ground.
You could stop talking to me tomorrow,
and I wouldn't even know
what to do with myself.
If I never spoke to you again,
it would cause me much sorrow.
What is this I'm doing?
A person doesn't try to keep
something they cant even see.
Enough nonsense, mind,
this isn't the time.

If you wrapped your arm around me,
you'd feel my heartbeat increase.
Racing to catch up with the touches,
saving up to pay the price.
Giving me away again.

There's a word that looks pretty when it's spelled out,
but sounds horrible on the ears when said aloud.
It's on the tip of the tongue, but I can't quite remember.
What could this word be? What could this word be?

"It was so simple." They finally said to themselves.
Wrong all along, and it sank in and they were soaked.

Cold air presses itself against me eerily,
but it does not penetrate my bones.
There's been a dog barking for nearly
an hour now, and this where I am.
I ; free of nothing

I have nothing to say.


It's been like this for as long as I can remember...

I just wanted you to notice me.
I wanted you to notice that I put mascara on,
I wanted you to tell me my eyelashes looked pretty.
I wanted you to see my subtle cleavage
and know that it was just for you.
I wanted to give you my skin,
give it to your fingertips.
I put on lace underwear,
our little secret.
I just wanted you to get me alone
and whisper to me
the things that no one else is allowed to hear.
I wanted you to pull me in close,
and press your love into me.
I wanted you to stamp it onto my heart
with a breath-taking kiss when nobody's looking.
I felt so invisible I had to hurt.
I know you can see me but I'm out of focus.
You love me but do you see inside me?
Can you see the sad, confused girl?
She needs you.
She needs you so much she doesn't know how to ask.

this new heart will love,
these new eyes will see,
and see how to create,
with these new hands.
full of new ideas,
breathing new breaths,
bringing something new,
to this old world.
inspiring new events,
changing the future,
this new life is,
full of possibility.

beautifully sad woman,
city trees ***** mimicry,
that mean sick friendship changes,
but the blue eyes unhesitating, large,
a thunderbolt for someone,
fires of passion and caresses,
have tragedy, have disorder,
get us two confined,
now the imagines marry
a look will torment,
the dark velvet for witches,
led wolves,
each ache crackle that couldnt feel,
slowly flexes from sorrows,
and because the electrified spiderwebs,
have a small current,
an illusion that to have brightness there,
not when blinding them,
even if the sun heavens dreamed lover Greeks,
a thousand tears breathe songs.

Take my hand,
take away my anger.
Take my heart,
make it love me.
Help me,
heal me,
show me,
know me.
Where you go,
I'm going.

Sure.
On the surface it seems so selfish
until you look up synonyms for selfish
and realize that it is not
ego-centric, self-absorbed, self-centered.
I do not lack consideration for others,
I only lack consideration for myself.
Did you ever consider that?
I have no ego.
I am hardly a me.
When I say "I am" a voice inside me wonders
"Who is?"
I don't even know myself anymore
so I couldn't possibly be
centered around something
I cant even find.

With a heavy head of fog,
I blink and don't recognize
where I am
or rather
I forget how I got here.
I want everyone to go away,
so I can be alone,
with my lonesomeness,
but still care about me
and come running back to save me.
Only so I can tell them to leave me alone again.
I am fine.
I am not weak.
Go away.