I'm through accepting limits, 'cos someone says they're so.
Some things I cannot change, but till I try, I'll never know.
Too long I've been afraid of losing love I guess I've lost.
Well, if that's love, it comes at much too high a cost.

We all seem to depend on something -- drugs, sleep, music, ***, "love", relationships -- but when will we realize that the only thing we can solely depend on is ourselves?

It's impossible to be happy here.
If this is where standing up for myself gets me, then so be it.
I'm sick of the verbal abuse.
Get
   me
     out
        of
           here.

Please don't make me talk about it  
                      make me repeat the cruel words she wrote
                      make me take you step by grueling step
                      make me say the words I'm struggling to spit out
                      make me explain my depression
                      make up excuses
                      make me lie
                      make me fall for you

My life, your life
Don't cross them lines
What you like, what I like
Why can't we both be right?
Attacking, defending
Until there's nothing left worth winning
Your pride and my pride
Don't waste my time

I don't wanna fight no more

Take from my hand
Put in your hands
The fruit of all my grief
Lying down ain't easy
When everyone is pleasing
I can't get no relief
Living ain't no fun
The constant dedication
Keeping the water and power on
There ain't nobody left
Why can't I catch my breath?
I'm gonna work myself to death

I don't wanna fight no more

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna fight no more
I don't wanna fight, I don't wanna fight
I don't wanna fight no more

normally, I don't bruise easily.
any kind of put-down or insult just
r
   o
      l
         l
            s
off.
yet today,
I'm black and blue.

your words hit home, this morning.
usually, they don't mean ****.
so what's going on?
why have I let these walls down?

"What's the date?"
"March 24th."
"..."

I watched the light drain from your eyes
and your fingers stop moving over the page.
Suddenly, I knew.
A year.
It's been a year.
****.

"I don't think I'll be here Thursday or Friday."
"And that's alright."

You looked up.
I looked down.
Away and back at you.

"That's alright."

As I took your hand,
I felt the final crack in my heart
stitch itself together.
It was an understood
I'm here for you.
I hope you saw it in my smile.

"Once you commit the sin, how easy is it to do it again? Very."

I dreamt of you again last night
God, just leave me be
You had no privelege, no right
I don't want to see
Walking in, oh, what a sight
Please, don't make me plea
These nightmares  become trite
*But remember... You no longer own me

The back of my eyelids lack a sun
and I plunge into unbearable
darkness once more.

We laugh at evil characters in literature
And wonder why antagonists matter...
But do we ever laugh at our evil characters?
Do we wonder why the antagonists in our lives matter?

I could feel my heart
the rapid beat of it
reverberating in my chest
sweat collecting behind my head
and in my palms
thoughts racing
God, I didn't want anyone to ask
"Who was that about?"
oh, please
anything but that
as if it were really important
but of course
the question was asked
and I looked away
smiling down at my shaking fingers
**"No one important."

You put yourself in stupid places
Yes, I think you know it's true
Situations where it's easy to look down on you
I think you like to be the victim
I think you like to be in pain
I think you make yourself a victim
Almost every single day

You say they taught you how to read and write
They taught you how to count
I say they taught you how to buy and sell
Your own body by the pound
I think you like to be their simple toy
I think you love to play the clown
I think you are blind to the fact
That the hand you hold
Is the hand that holds you down

Tread lightly, for the ice will shatter with the tiniest of pressures

"This is the first day of my life. I think I was blind before I met you. I went out in the rain and suddenly everything changed. I felt as if I just woke up."

At school
    This relationship is one to keep secret when you attend a catholic school. Two women (or men) aren't supposed to be together... but we're together. She's made me smile and cry and love like I never have before. People at school started to notice -- they started saying that I was a lesbian. When someone first told me that, I laughed. Laughed. Why were people spreading rumors like that? About me, a nobody? But then I realized that I can't always cover my heart with a sweater bearing the school crest. My heart is open, bleeding and spilling blood down my sleeve. It blends in with the crimson material. People are not blind.

2. Around our friends
     We didn't keep it a secret for long. I told my two best friends because I knew they'd accept me, no matter who I'm with. I was right. They welcomed our relationship with open arms. It was easier to love her then. We could hold hands and gaze at each other openly. With them, it feels like I'm home.

3. Around my family
     My family is tricky. My mom is accepting of gay men, lesbians, bisexuals, transgenders...  
But I wonder if she's accept me.
     My dad is a homophobe. If you're gay, stay away! The stubborn man wouldn't even touch you with a stick... But what would he think if it were me?
     My brother is ok.
     My sister is... indecisive towards us, After all, I'm in love with her best friend. And I didn't even get to tell her myself.
     Hiding it amongst my family members has become rather difficult. Not being able to hold her hand is a stab to my heart. Not being able to flaunt her everything to them is maddening...
"Leigh, how do you not have a boyfriend?"
"Well um er..."
Do they notice the way I act around her?

4. Around her family
    The most difficult task of all. They're so unaccepting of who she really is, that she hides herself away. It pains me to see the hurt in her eyes when they poke fun at gay people. I've seen it happen. Anger wells up in my chest and fills a cavity long forgotten. I long to scream "Look. Your daughter/sister/aunt/cousin's heart currently belongs to me. Yeah, me. Another girl."
I wonder what they'd say to that.

5. In public
     Today, you never know what a person's views on homosexuals are. They could be completely disgusted or humbly accepting. You just don't know. So I (we) have to be especially careful. Someone could explode on us, saying that two women loving each other is wrong or sinful or damning. I'm afraid of that. She closes up when I don't hold her hand or reciprocate her advances in public... I'm just afraid. Sometimes I'll face my fears and I'll grab her hand. Other times, I'll sneak a kiss. Most of the time, I steal a glance and then cannot tear my eyes from her beauty. Do people see the love we have for each other? Do they understand? Do they accept? Do they believe that all love is beautiful? Probably not... But I'll love her anyway.

Every time I feel the flames licking at my heels,
you swoop down and save me from being engulfed.
I never have to tell you, you just... do.
How do you do it?
How do you know?

Did we unknowingly search for each other in the darkest hours?
You, the sun - I, the moon.
They, the opaque night between.
We were hidden.
But finally, the light shone through.
Us, a pair -- a motley two, a mismatched pair of fools.
Is it fate that strings these calico hearts together?
A Higher Power with a guiding hand?
Or is it we who create our own destiny?
Did you find me...
   or did I find you?

Who can talk to fools
but the one
who speaks
their language?

In love, there is a sacrifice:
Your happiness for your companion's happiness.
What they enjoy may not make you happy...
But isn't it worth seeing eyes light up?
Smiles stretch across cheeks?
Shoulders rise in anticipation?
*A thousand times *yes.

You joke as if I haven't attempted suicide,
as if I haven't been *****,
as if I haven't fallen down the rabbit hole.
Why do you think it's funny?
Why do you think those words don't hurt?

I feel as if I've known you forever --
your lips, your hands, your heart.
What is this? Who are you?
A past Love? A past Lover?
From where did you come
   and why show up now?

I don't plan on hiding who I am anymore.
If they ask, I will answer with a somber
   "Yes, but that's over with."
or maybe a bold
    "Yes, but that's none of your business, is it?"
or most likely an energetic  
    **"Yes, and it was wonderful."

I just want to get away from you all for a week.

Don't haunt me
Gather up the lost and sold
Into your arms
Gather up the pitiful
In your arms
What seems impossible
I think I have had my fill
*I think I should give up the ghost

Shut up and kiss me quick
Run your lips over my pulse
Drag your nails across my hips
Grip the hem of my shirt and pull  
You won't hurt me
I am not antique glass
I will not break
Go ahead
Try

Only an angel can know there's love to find behind closed doors
In time you'll know when you're ready for more
Though you have not a lot to say, let me roll the
stone away
Through you I am saved...
Thank the good Lord
For those godawful things
That brought you to me

I'm officially leaving HP. I'm about to graduate high school, go to college, start a new chapter of my life... And I feel that  leaving this site behind is what's best for me. I may join another site, who knows? But for now, I'm writing in my head. Everything sounds so much better there anyway.

I was lost and alone in the shadows
Dark in my mind
My heart was trampled in the battle
Love left me blind

Then you came around and found me, baby
You took my hand
And made me stand like the man I am again

Do you see what you've done to me
Gone and washed away my misery
With your touch
You love gracefully

I was shattered into pieces
Torn to the bone
And nothing mattered. No reason
To come from under my stone

Then like the sun you fell over me, baby
You hit my eyes
And made me rise and fly and shine again

Do you see what you've done to me
Gone and washed away my misery
With your touch
You love gracefully

I’d ‘bout given up on it all
Every single little hope and dream
Then you heard it and answered my call
When you lifted me
Lifted me over the wall

Do you see what you've done to me
Gone and washed away my misery
With your touch
You love gracefully
You love gracefully
Love gracefully

When did I trade in crayons for cigarettes? Barbies for whiskey? Dress up for dressing down?

I can't tell you how I feel, but I do
Those things they say can't get to me, but they do
I don't see the sky as blue, as you do
Should I fantasize? There must be some way to love again

It's been so hard for a girl like me, it's true
People say I look just like my daddy, cause I do

All I really want is peace of mind

Why is everything so complicated?
Why is everyone so infatuated?
I gather myself safely
Until life on earth looks warm again

Everybody's leaving all the time
All I really want is peace of mind

I don't want your **** happiness
I want your demise and your pain and your worthlessness

If a **** isn't given, was it had at all?

When I call your name out, it turns to shrapnel in my mouth
and the last time I looked up, the north star was south.

The air is thick as tar and my skin is bruised and stung
I try to talk but no one understands my tongue
With every passing second,
I age a million years
When I fall and graze my knees
The universe cheers

"God is love."
Is He?
Because according to God,
the love I feel is a sin.
It's wrong to feel so loved.
Is God love when I write love poems for another woman?
When she holds my hand,
is He love then?
An understanding God accepts all love.
Is God love?

"Homosexuality is a sin."
Why?
Why?!
To love is to sin?
"God so loved the world that..."
No.
Why can God love yet we cannot?
It's the same, is it not?
A man loves a man.
A woman loves a woman.
Isn't that the same love that binds a "holy" marriage, man with woman?
Isn't that the same love that binds the covenants, between God and Man?
If this God is just, does He not love all?
According to the Church, He loves those who don't even believe in His holy name.
Does God love the man who not only loves Him, but also loves another man?
Does He still love then?

Isn't it funny
how we go to school
after spending shiftless nights
reading each other's poetry
and act as if
we haven't seen a small fraction
of souls
so well hidden
under white shirts
emblazoned with the school crest?

The art of hiding doesn't come easily to me.
I'd rather be an open book
than one closed tightly with a bookmark.
I hate hiding how I feel.
I'd rather show the world,
whether they want to see it or not.
So I'll kiss your neck in chemistry
and I'll wrap my arms around your waist in history.
Let them see.
I'm not hiding anymore.

If this summer was a movie,
it would be titled,
"The Summer I Gave My Heart Away"

...yes, appropriately titled.

The cast?
You and I.


The plot?
Simple, really.  

I pull my heart out of it's barb wired cage and throw it on a chopping block,  all the while shouting,
"Here, take it!"...
Yet internally whispering,
"Please, don't break it."

You hold the knife, ready to plunge and watch my life pour out.
But you don't.
You pick it up, open the cage, and gently return it home.
"I won't, I love you."

So that's how the story goes.

Roll camera...

Action!

How many nights have I spent with my lanky arms wrapped around a long ago chest caved in, whispering to the wind "I don't want to be here, please help me".

My heart is bursting like a dam
and I'm not repairing it, no,
I will let the bombs detonate  
and watch as my love for you
seeps from the cracks in the cement

How do I love thee?
Let me count the ways...
I love you to the heavens and planets and stars
   my soul can reach, though they be out of sight
      for the ends of the sky and everlasting grace.
I love you to the level of everyday's
   most deafening want, by sun and candlelight.
I love you freely,
   as women seek Equality.
I love you purely,
   as they turn from Normality.
I love you with an unused passion,
   with my past, and with my ever-aging soul.
I love you with a love that I believed I had given away --
I love you with every smile, laugh, tear... all of my life! --
And if God willing,
I will love you until the last breath is drawn from my mouth.

I've never been attracted to girls, no, not me.
I've never wanted to kiss a girl --
The kiss on the cheek I gave my best friend in kindergarten doesn't count...

But I wanted to kiss you and that scared me.

We were just sitting with our friends at lunch when you sat next to me.

You said,
"Hi!"

I said,
"What's up?"

You just shrugged and pursed your lips,
"Nothing much."

My mind shut off for a minute.

I traced your lips with my eyes.
My God, you want to kiss her!
They looked soft, covered in pink lipstick.
You want to know what they feel like under yours!
They were perfect, really.
Where did THAT come from?!
At first, I thought I was simply noticing.
Far more than noticing, don't ya think?!

But then again, I don't notice everyone's lips...

My mind rebooted like a computer hard drive.

I lamely replied,
"Yeah, same here."