I'm sorry I can't talk about death.
It brings about emotions better left inside --
it makes me doubt.

What if there's nothing for me on the Other Side?
What if it's just a big, gaping Nothing?
Various religions offer salvation and saving grace...
But what can I believe if there's no religion that provides a salvation I can grasp while
I
am
alive?

I apologize for not being able to speak of death with you, my love.
Especially not your death.

Imagine if the world was devoid of all color.
Red wouldn't be the color of the apple's
   that grew on your grandparent's orchard.
Yellow wouldn't be the color of the sunset
   that sets over the ocean's edge.
Blue wouldn't be the color of the eyes
   that gleam and sparkle behind your lover's lashes.
Imagine if the world was devoid of all color
and nothing looked quite the same
as it did the hour, day, life before.

I've spent 366 days loving you
Say you love me still

What have I become afraid of, self consciousness or confidence?
Inability or the risk of flying high?
Losing or winning it all?

I just want things back to the way they used to be...
I want you to confide in me.
I want you to share your thoughts and feelings and dreams with me.
I want my best friend back.
I want YOU back.
The you that was you a year ago.
Please come back to me.

Your silence speaks volumes - you are worried it's about you.

If I fell in love with you
Would you promise to be true
And help me understand
Cos I've been in love before
And I found that love was more
Than just holding hands

If I give my heart to you
I must be sure
From the very start
That you would love me more than her
If I trust in you oh please
Don't run and hide
If I love you too oh please
Don't hurt my pride like her
Cos I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
Cos I couldn't stand the pain
And I would be sad if our new love was in vain

So I hope you see that I
Would love to love you
And that she will cry
When she learns we are two
If I fell in love with you

You are a budding Casanova
A Brett Ashley in the making
Rhett Butler would be proud
Daisy Buchanan might bat her eyelashes
George Wickham would tip his hat
That's all you ever wanted
To be wanted
To be "loved"
You won't get it by chasing every person who enters your life
It doesn't work that way
It isn't that easy
But how would you know?

Summertime smells of you --
the crook of your neck
the space in between your thighs
the shampoo you rarely use
the flip side of your pillow
When does it end, this missing you?

"What is your earliest memory?"

A loaded question -- I can't help but recall mine.
You make the memory.

It was my third birthday -- Barbie themed.
Remember that day, bud?
It was a Sunday.
Everyone came to the house after ten o'clock Mass, dressed in their Sunday best.
I was wearing a dress, something my mother made...
...Your mother was there!
I remember sitting on her lap and trying to steal the cheese squares from her plate.
I asked, "Where's Scott, Mrs.Michelle?"
She replied, "He's here, Leigh, he's here! Go in the living room."
So I did.
And there you stood.
In your hand, you held a plastic bag full of water.
"What's that, Scotty?"
You laughed and I thought that was the best thing I'd ever heard.
"It's a fish! I named it for you! It's name is Strawberry."
Goofball.
Why'd you name my gift?
...Then I noticed the button on your chest.
(This is my favorite part.)
It said, **"Hi, I'm Ken!"
And you were.
You were my Ken.

If an apology is what you want,
you aren't going to get it from me.
For what do I have to apologize for?

If an apology is what you want,
you aren't going to get it from him.
For what does he have to apologize for?

You're mistaken.
Over reacting.
It was nothing.
We're nothing.

Wait.
    Pause.
       Refrain.

I take that back...

**"We" isn't even a thing.

I don't know peace
There are too many things left unsaid

Shingled roofing caves in quick, the wallpaper all peeled back
The devil walks these halls
The sinner paints them black

It's been a long time coming, the end to all our ends
The night covers misguided deeds
The moonlight shadow bends

To which do I owe the honor, the joy or haunting dreams?
The guardian stands upright
The sunlight through it streams

I spend my days loving him
and my nights apologizing to her

At the end of the day,
I can lay my head
against a pillow that
smells of sweet vanilla
and know that
you
are
mine.

You didn't love me, you just loved the thought of someone loving you

The air is thick as tar and my skin is bruised and stung
I try to talk but no one understands my tongue
With every passing second,
I age a million years
When I fall and graze my knees
The universe cheers

"So you ARE having surgery this summer? Hmm... what if you die?"*

"Honestly? I wouldn't mind."*

I wouldn't.
Really.
In a way, I'd be relieved.
Better for a doctor to **** me than for me to **** myself, right?

You lie to push away worthy blame
But what will you do...
when the lies are turned back at you?

Cat calls choke my confidence
My responses aren't so strong  
Skirts always feel too short
Shirts always too long

Some say I was asking for it
Others say it was my clothes
I say it was a misfit
Letting lust fall like dominoes

So here I am stuck screaming
Black and bruised and used
I wasn't asked to be born pretty
If I had been, I would've refused

When I call your name out, it turns to shrapnel in my mouth
and the last time I looked up, the north star was south.

Let me show you how to love
Since no one has before
*...I'll love you.

For so long, I wanted to die.
Now I'm not ready --
*I've just begun living.

"John's dead. He's been shot."
  
Who would **** John? Why now? Why not '65, when half of America wanted him dead? Oh, God. I'm going to faint. I'm going to be sick. This isn't real. This isn't happening. He's alive, yes, he's alive. Living, breathing, alive. It was just a joke, some freak calling me just to get a response from a Beatle. No, Lin, I don't believe it. Are you sure? Is he...? Jesus Christ... Jesus ******* Christ... The **** of all jerks... I gotta get in the studio. George? Yes, I know. I know. Yeah, you still in the mood to get in the studio? Alright, I'll see you there. No, that doesn't sound right... Play it back again. That's fine. George, I'm... I'm gonna go. It's just too hard, ya know? I thought it would help, but it didn't. I'll call you. Oh, I was very shocked, ya know. It's terrible news. Um, I was just listening to some stuff, ya know, I just didn't want to sit at home. I didn't feel like it. This morning some time. Yeah.
**Drag, isn't it?

Look what the wind
Just blew in Again
Whistling through the cracks in my door
I should’ve known, you would show up
When the cuts were not hurtin’ no more

Welcome back baby
Sit on Down
Sit on Down
Have a cup of what I have found
Since your love ain’t been around

Baby, you’ve been gone
This time too long
I’ve run outta you

Last candlelight
Flickered and died
Shining on time without you
Tell me how long, how long
Can I go on?
When you’re just gonna do what you’re gonna do.

Welcome back baby
Sit on Down
Sit on Down
Have a Cup of what I have found.
Since your love ain’t been around
Baby, you’ve been gone this time too long
I’ve run outta of you.

I don’t need it.
It’s no good for me.
I can’t bleed it.
Veins gone empty
I’ll repeat it.
It’s no good for me.
It’s no good.
No good.
No good.

Baby, you’ve been gone this time too long
I’ve run outta of you.
Out of you.
Baby, you’ve been gone this time too long
I’ve run outta of you.
Hey.
I’ve run outta you.
I’ve run outta you.
I’ve run outta you.
I’ve run. out you.
Oh Oh.  I’ve run outta you.
Out of you.
I can’t take no more
I can’t break no more
Over You
Over You

Sometimes, midnight thoughts override everything.
Even the ability to sleep, to shut down the station in my head.
Staring into the dark corners of a bedroom doesn't seem to help.
Thinking of you at 12:03 PM doesn't seem to help either.
So what happened last night?
I slipped into the newly-washed sheets and closed my eyes...
Your face appeared.
It was the face you were wearing last time we were together.
The cautiousness behind those green eyes was not opaque, love.
You stoped yourself.
From watching my lips when I spoke to you...
From watching my hands when I worked...
From watching my eyes whenever you discreetly tested the uncharted waters of the Ocean of Us.
But I saw you.
How sly you must've thought you were (are).
But you weren't, really.
Because at midnight, the unconcious deductions I formed that day awoke from their shallow graves...
                                                       ­                And I saw you.
                                                          ­                                  ...the definition of "sleeplessness".

The violin sings its tale of woe
Back and forth, the horse hairs vocalize
Power undulating with each flair
Shrieking, wailing, *weeping

I grew up my freshman year of high school
when the boy I loved fell for a girl who loved girls
when my best friend became my worst enemy
when the nightmares became day dreams

I died my sophomore year of high school
when the pills I loved fell out of my mouth  
when my best friend became my worst enemy
when the day dreams ended the nightmares

I cannot look at the moon or stars
without thinking of your bright eyes

We,
the new generation,
are one of
youth,
power,
strength.
We
will strive,
will survive,
will fight.
We
are collectively
unafraid,
determined,
headstrong.
You
wave your flag
and sit in your chair
while
We
are part
of the change.
We
are
the
*change.

In a relationship, there should never be a time where your partner says "But if you loved me, you'd __". Flat out.  A healthy relationship is about giving yourself to that person, self giving, when you feel ready. A selfish partner expects you to do certain things out of love for them. I'm not explicitly talking about ***, but it's in between the lines.

A selfish love is one that takes and takes but doesn't completely give back. You give yourself up to a selfish partner because you think it's going to satiate them, satisfy their needs. But it never does, does it? If you set boundaries and your partner doesn't accept them -- leave.

A self giving love is one that gives patiently and doesn't necessarily take. It's a love that constantly seeks permission where permission is needed. You communicate to express how you feel, openly and honestly. If you set boundaries and your partner tries their best to accept them because they love you as a person -- stay.

Here's the thing about panic attacks:
At first, they slowly peel back the edges of old wounds...
Then rip them off like a bandaid.
They leave you bleeding from the heart.
They leave you questioning every single thing you've done.
By the end, you're left cowering in your bed sheets, silently seeking  solace from yourself.

These sheets hold the scent of your skin like your hands hold the warmth of my heart

I know you're contemplating suicide.
I know you're wishing your pain would end.
But you are not your pain...
So don't let it become you.

You've set me aflame
Put out this raging fire
Before it consumes

I was ***** by someone who "loved" me.
Why should I be afraid of strangers?

"I was just a kid, I didn't know what to do... so I did nothing."

*"That's not true... you survived."

I'm finally speaking up
I'm finally letting it out