5 gone and so many
more to lose, Can I?

I let myself eat today
because she watched
my careful bites.
If she wouldn't have been
I probably would've just
stared down at my plate
feeling the twists and
twinges of pain inside
of my body as I
lick my lips.

I like this feeling because
I can control it
and nobody can shove food
down my mouth because
you wouldn't be able to tell
if I've eaten or not
and until I get to that point again
*I don't think I'll ever stop.

My scars are quite visible today.
So is my main artery.
It scares me that I constantly wonder
What it would be like to
Push a blade far enough
To the point of no return.
Would they be able to save me?
Would I even let them do so?
Why would I want this?
I am not sure, to be honest.
I shouldn't do self-diagnosis but
I honestly believe I am quite crazy.
I believe I have social anxiety and
seasonal depression as well as
PTSD.

Maybe I should go get a checkup
Before I end up making my
****** dream come true.

He lurks in the back of my mind
And he makes me miss him so much more.

*******
and your indecisiveness
Your mysterious demure caught my glance
You twisted, and dissembled my sight
Wrapped up in your eloquence
Believing in good intentions
Our evanescent love lasted only a moment
If it existed at all
Your nearness to me was made insignificant by your blithe nonchalance
And here I remain
An ingenue
Fooled again, lured in by your perplexing,
Negligent attitude towards life,
Towards me

She says
“Yes.”
Vaguely apparent.
Tension tightly traverses
Through my body
“Yes, give me that”
Five dollars in a parking lot.
Teeth rotting.
Amber from thoughts long forgotten.

Five minutes for five dollars.

You are as cruel as
Joan Rivers on Fashion Police,
with a tongue like a blade,
meant to carve the truth,
straight out of my skin,
you're also taking the,
ambition out of my veins.
If my feelings were a person,
they'd walk away to,
avoid further damage,
and I'm ready to start calling you medusa,
because with every word,
another part of my heart,
is broken and turned to stone.
Your point is as far fetched,
as a puppy's chew toy,
gone with a strong wind,
and I'm the only one running after it,
in seek of bringing it back,
to throw in your face,

when you start to feel regret.

I'm always in the mood to
be your first everything.

You cannot look at me
and I guess it is only fair.
I did call you a narcissistic
******* and I don't know,
the things you say make me
think of things my parents say
to me so it is only rightful of me
to automatically see that in you as well.

But you can be so wonderful.
You always say sweet words to me
and honestly I haven't felt a real love
like this in a long, long while.
Not sure where this is going,
or where we are going,
but I just want you to know that I
love you so much and I am
truly sorry.