Your love fills all the white space
on the blank canvas of this life.

You wouldn't know what
I was doing after you stopped
texting me that morning
of your surgery.
As soon as you said goodbye
I threw my phone to the wall
and sobbed into my pillow.
I had to stop myself from screaming
out your name, so I just mustered up
stifling sobs and muffled "I love you's"
and "please don't leave me baby".

I could feel stabbing pains make its way
up my body as they put the rods and
screws inside of your spine.
Eleven times my heart combusted
throughout the day and the thought
of you without me almost
killed me.

I wonder what you thought of
under the anesthesia.
Was it me?
Your friends?
The Beatles or Led Zeppelin?
Or maybe it was nothing.

I know that all I could think about
was the worst things possible
and how I wished I could have just
kept you safe in my arms because
thats the safest place you could've been
in that day and time (or any day
and time for that matter).

But, now that your spine is
un-curved and you are okay,
I thought something was
going to change between us.
I was afraid that maybe the thing that
caused you to fall in love with me
was taken out somehow
and rearranged so that
your spine didn't curve towards
me anymore.

I was afraid that you wouldn't have loved me anymore.

But, now I see that I was foolish for being so afraid.
You are better than ever and you are still mine!
And I just love you so much,
you know that, dear?

*I'm just glad you're safe and feeling well, baby.

I'd feel better if you knew the real me,
the ***** inside who only wants to show
herself to online
freaks.

Society wants me to show my ***, to feel carefree.
I liked the attention, after all, my daddy never gave me
any.

But, you respect me and my body.
Its confusing, what about my hands?
They wish to feel you, to feel myself.
But, instead we sit on your bed and listen
to vinyl and not to the sounds I wish to
hear you moan out loud.

My fingertips move towards you
and you could push me away.
I'd say "oh baby, don't be like that".
and you'd muster a giggle.
But, the thing you don't know is that
I am forever broken
and I can never be
repaired.

No amount of vinyl or moans could
fix the part of me that he broke--
my heart.

Maybe I'm too sexualized,
and maybe I'll always be this way,
but at least I'm somehow okay,
right?

I've started realizing that life is short-
and I am not ok with that.
I want to make history,
to be loved and known widely and deeply,
is that too much to ask for?

I'm a ***** for you, truth be told.
But, maybe you have also brought out the
deepest part of my soul that I
never ever believed still
existed.

I'm a ***** with my eyes,
my lips,
my hands,
and my heart,
and my mind,
and my soul.
Everything I am belongs to you
for as long as I may live.

7:10 AM: I knew the time was coming for you to leave me, for you to prep for your surgery and go under. Thinking about you leaving hurt me in every way possible.

7:11 AM: You said it was time to go, but you promised till 7:15. I started crying again, even though I had just stopped.

7:12 AM:  I told you goodbye, even though it was the hardest thing I had done in forever. (I prayed for you too many times in the last few hours, I prayed for a goodbye that was meaningful.)

7:13 AM: You told me goodbye... I hate goodbyes. I never want that to be the last thing I say to someone.

7:14 AM: We both agreed that we loved each other equally. I mean it with every fiber of my being, I love you with everything I am. I'll give you the Universe, don't worry baby.

7:15 AM: You were gone. You said your last "I love you" and left me to say it back with tears rolling down my face and ugly sobs escaping my mouth. Nothing has ever hurt so much, not even when I had that awful kidney infection. I felt like someone took my heart straight out of my chest and ran over it with a stampede of elephants... Nothing has ever pained me more than seeing those words, those three little beautiful words, because for a few mere seconds, I thought they were your last.

Love is wanting the best for them even when its not the best for you,
and I really believe that God was testing me in these last few weeks because I could have left and spared me the tears (not that it was ever an option, because it isn't, trust me)... but I have stayed and I so glad I am still here to support her and love her with everything I have inside of me. She deserves everything I can give her and so much more.
I love her so very much.
And she loves me equally.