you lift me by the hips
onto your kitchen sink
and stand between
my knees,

you lay
your laughing lips into
my left collarbone
and i wrap my
arms around your neck

your hair is soft,
and auburn

i bury my nose
into your scalp

suddenly
i am inhaling a
very familiar scent,
strawberries & cream,
a bottle for 3.99
i bought
on sale last week...

i pull away
in completely fabricated,
purposefully unrealistic awe,
"buy your own
******* shampoo"

your only response is to
throw your long arms
over my shoulders and
pull me into your chest
until i could hardly
catch a breath

an annoying beeping sound
brings us both back to
earth with a startling realization,
it's a monday
& the coffees done

i know life will not
always be easy,
i know love
will never be a solution,
& money will never flow
like kisses to my palms
but it's 7 AM
and
my ribs are already sore
from all the laughter,

they will ache all day
and each movement
that conjures discomfort
will remind me
of all the beauty in pain

so if this is playing house,
let me play
at least until
i've outgrown the game

I don't get in my car
at 3 in the morning,
just to lock the doors
& scream with the music
turned all the way up

I don't drink mason jars
of whiskey on week days

I don't skip school
to chain smoke on my patio

And I don't use lighters
to burn holes in my arms

Not anymore

But I still wake up
some mornings,
scared speechless
that I'll waste an other day

And I still watch
the clock during class,
wishing it'd restart over & over
so I don't have to face myself
all alone on the way home

And I still lose my breath
randomly

I still feel my chest sink
without reason

I still say "my stomach aches"
because I don't know how to
describe the void growing
inside of it

And I still struggle

to smile at my parents,

to answer my cellphone,

to do my hair,

to wear nice clothes,

to write,
to write this ******* "poem"

I'm not crying anymore
No more swollen eyes

And I'm not bleeding anymore
No more scarred arms

But
I didn't get better,
I just got older