Sometimes,
the decision to
give up,
is made for you.

The slightest change made all the difference.

After you left, suddenly I could
look at the alphabet, and 26 letters
would form into a thousand different
memories, song lyrics became
varying explanations you would never give me,
and you were the scent I woke up to in the morning,
regardless of the fact that
I haven't been close enough
to actually smell you in weeks.
Your entire essence is still encoded within me,
like the most complex sequence the
human mind can dream up,
I have you memorized.
From the scars on your knuckles,
to the marks on your bedroom wall that put them there.
The way the corners of your mouth twitched
whenever you were thinking,
to the small shudder you gave whenever
I ran my hands through your hair,
or the little rasp in your voice when
you needed sleep, but just couldn't get it.
I am not ashamed to say I have
committed it all to memory,
right down to the outward jut
of your otherwise perfect front-teeth,
and the way your hands sometimes
felt like they were a natural born part of me,
because sometimes, it doesn't matter
how it started, or why it stopped,
sometimes, what happens in-between,
just doesn't need forgetting.

The slightest change ended a legacy.

I grew up with fistfuls of gravel,
concrete eyes,
and steel knees;
My bed time stories
were slurred whispers,
"Hold steady"
and
"Stay calm
through the pain";
I knew the eerie discomfort
of that lump in my throat,
the one that grew
from holding back tears,
before I knew how the
salt water tasted
when it rolled off my lashes
and down to my bottom lip;
By the time I was 16
my knuckles were
calloused and bleeding
from digging into my spine
so hard for so long,
forcing myself to stand up straight,
even when my thighs were
shaking with exhaustion

So please forgive
my sharp edges
and rough hands.
I know my kisses
taste like metal
but I was raised to bite my tongue,
Please forgive me.
I cannot say,
"I love you"
and I know how you ache
to hear me exhale
it into the dark
of your bedroom,
But please be patient
as my lips
learn the
pattern of those
words in succession
for the first time;

My whole life
has been grey
and pavement/
You are green eyes,
pink elbows,
coconut teeth,
snow covered Sundays,
sun drenched windowsills,
And you make me want to feel.
So please accept me,
apologies, lose ends & dry eyes.
Please accept me and
please don't leave me grey

Turnstiles tick
with the constancy of clock hands,
while I try to calculate the depth of a second
waiting and wondering
if you'll ever again grace me
with your presence.

She looks in the mirror
At the age on her face
"I wonder what he thinks
of me this way?"

She considers her weight
and the pores on her skin
She thinks out loud
"I don't deserve him."

She picks apart
the woman he loves
Separating her worth
from all that she does
              
He looks in her eyes
and caresses her face
He sees it glowing with love
and full of grace

 The lines on her face
  he views with pride
  Recounting the victories
  each time they've been tried

The weight that she carries
 is that of a mom
 Nothing's too heavy
 She just marches on

These bodies will perish
 and mirrors offer no truth
True love abides
 beyond the corridors of youth

  No, she doesn't deserve me
  Perhaps God can see
  Conceivably, one day
  I'll be as worthy as she

You shattered my insides with something wicked.
I didn't know to expect this, but I got it
shoved down my throat at the last possible second,
a hurt I didn't think you were capable of administering.

You shattered my insides with something wicked.
I suppose I'll become a heap of organs in your closet
because my skeleton is just dust in the wind,
what more could it be, after the heat of the incinerator?

You shattered my insides with something wicked.
The thing is, I don't know what I expected.
Maybe I was dreaming of some happy ending,
but woke up to realize that reality always shines through.

You shattered my insides with something wicked.

Your love is like an abandoned freight train
crushing anything in its chosen way
it seems you enjoy causing so much pain
leaving me trampled, and in great dismay.
There is an undying weight on my chest
the hole in my heart is fresh and gaping
I am clueless as to what you'll do next.
This pain, I see no sign of escaping.
But you'll move on, as all ex lovers do
you'll forget how our fingers interlocked.
I'll be another memory for you,
my undying love, ever blocked.
I can pray one day you'll regain sight,
and be together again one day, we just might.