They rattle inside my head, thoughts of you bouncing of the walls.

They jump and fly in and endless chase, as my mind begins to race

They chain me and consume me, control me with their power

Thoughts of you trap me like a jail covering up my mind

And yet they set me free, like nothing before

Shining a light in darkness as they hold me tight within

Images of past and future flash across my eyelids

Memories battling hopes

Thoughts of you cause battles to ensue and destruction of my mind

And yet they bring a calming peace, with images of a happy time

Thoughts of you rattle inside my head bouncing of the walls. Slowly driving me insane

Screaming match
Angry words
MOM, SHE LOOKED AT ME!
No one has patience
Isn't this the season
To be happy
Joyful
Together
Than why
Does being in the same room
Force us to hate each other
Automatically
Sometimes
We are the best of friends
Sharing secrets
Or just being ridiculous
But more often
We are at each others throats
For things that do not anger
The average person
At what point is family togetherness
Too Much
Because
I don't think
We can handle
Anymore of each other

If "disposable" is one of the words that come to mind when you think of me, even if it's intermingled with "beautiful" and "lovely"
I don't need you in my life

The problem is I do like him.
I certainly hate him
But I also like him.
I like the way he capitalizes the beginnings of his sentences over text,  I like the cute little crinkles that appear in his forehead when he smiles
The coy way he responds to flirtation with something like "Oh really now?"
I like how he calls things "sweet", the way he says "aww" I even f!cking like his annoying as hell overuse of the phrase "haha" when he texts which ****** me off,
I like how he is the only teenaged boy I know who says something is "quite" fun and how he uses the word "lovely" to describe things because no one uses that word anymore and more people should.
I like how he has an immense love for Spiderman,
How he has all these aspirations of travelling all over in the future
I like how he wants to live in England one day, I like that he is into cooking and drinks coffee and hot chocolate and how his favorite book is "Looking for Alaska" and how he's read everyone of John Green's books and how he wants to be a writer one day.
I just remember the dumbest little things that I still like about him
For instance how he likes Neil Gaiman and loud screamy music even though I hate that stuff, how he is the only one in his fractured family who doesn't speak French but his older sister and mother do. He has a dog named Charlie and when he was a kid he always spelled "subtle" wrong. I just don't know *** is wrong with me I should have known better. I should hate him for half this stuff and all the rest of the reasons I have to loathe him but it's hard to forget those little details about him. I just hate feeling like a broken lock. A lock of dark secrets and completely irrepairable. Though it's not the fact that Im irrepairable that bothers me as much as feeling so... replaceable. Idk. Maybe I need to go out with someone to get him out of my head.

I as much as I hate to admit it,* I honestly love him more than the sun.



Although...

+

+

+

+

+
I absolutely despise the sun with fiery loathing...



So I suppose that leaves him in the **"I really hate you" slot...

She will not speak to you of darkness,
she'll keep her sickness hidden well
a painted smile on filthy carcass,
a secret sworn to never tell.

She loves you though her heart abhors it,
she wrestles with her troubled mind
and hopes that in her broken spirit
a grain of beauty you may find.

She knows that when you see her closely
your heart will flee to others arms
for there can be no swift repairing
of wounds torn deep by lovers harm.

i'll be 23 at a liquor store on my way to a party
the boy who i'm with will think my name is sorry
maybe the cuts will be scars by then
but that doesn't mean i'll be better
i still won't know how to be sober
i'll be in a stranger's bathroom
crying my eyes out,
they'll think it's just the shrooms
but it'll be you, it'll always
be you
i'll talk about the boy who didn't love me back
even with *** and alcohol in the equation.
maybe i'll be okay then,
but it'll never hurt less

"I was never in love with you"*
is what I've said
while rolling my eyes.

You breathed a sigh of *relief
looked at me straight in the eyes
and brightly smiled.

'Sorry, I lied'
are the words
I'll never say out loud.