Finitude, the luck of humanity
Where gods sit on clouds
Dreaming to be cleaved from eternity

I'm still miserable.

don't get me wrong -
there are pauses, and there are breaks.
there are beams of light, there are glimmers of hope
and there are days where happiness is so golden,
I can practically feel it salting on my tounge,
dancing in my brain
and some small part of me almost begins to believe that
things have changed -
it's going to be better now.

but of course, night is still well and alive,
in it's deathly gloom.
and of course, the petals always plunge through
in a sickening cold snap
and I am brutally reminded that
spring
is just season, not a way of life.

and although the why is given a different name -
boys, alcohol, displacement, bad job -
i find myself surrending to the currents
that is winter days, where sunlight
burns to cold, midnight ash within a few hours.
every few weeks or so, the darkness returns
pinching out the flame that i had spent so much time trying to reignite and
oh, not again.

but again and again, the night falls,
the stars spiraling out of place until
the cold and the heaviness have anchored in my chest
like a yawning need for eternal day -
I'm suddenly left wondering if i should even fight it.

When they sent us on our way,
They told us the path would always be clear -
Blinded by faith, we listened.
No doubt in mind, we kept on.

Now knee deep in the ghostly twilight,
The stars and the sky have all lost their hue
And the trail has ended.
A howl rises in the night -
*"What has become of this?"

And you're the one person I miss -
I miss you so much sometimes it makes me sick.
Its only happens around now,
In the twilight of sleeping and waking,
And for some ******* reason
It's just you.
I mean, I've had dozens of loves ones
Stumble in and out of my life
Like wandering ghosts.
And still they utter that I'm a hermit
When they hear the empty din of silence
Instead of reverbing "I miss you!"s
And the echoing "lets get together sometime!"
I am not one to latch on;
I do not reel them in, I do not bait.
I would much rather drink alone
Then get giddy off of shots and beer pong with
Lonely company.
But you -
For some **** reason, you -
You make me sick with longing.

oh, what a carousel it'd be
wedding veils, red roses -
what a carousel it'd be
if i was more than your late night girl.

don't ask him to save you.
he doesn't really want to.
he finds you emotionally overwhelming,
actually
and your castle of buried sorrows is so beyond him right now
it's not even funny.
he's got enough problems of his own.

besides, you never really believed that you needed to be saved
anyway.

you and your moodswings
swing dancing, swinging me to the ground,
swing swing swinging

you and your moodswings
make me drink myself to sleep

I think of you on airplane flights.
Head in the clouds
Dreaming of home,
The dizziness of touching the sky has gotten to me,
I swear
There was never much air up here anyways.

And so I've learned to swallow it.
The counter arguments. The insults.
The countless times you've done worse.
I could win every argument you throw at me but I won't,
Because I'm hurt over it.
Because I'm enraged.
Because you and your senseless words spell that
No matter what I say, no matter what I do
I am pathetic.
I am the lesser.
I am nothing.
I have learned that victory is tasteless around you
Because I still end up wrong,
Because you never hear me.
You never heard the weight of my emotions,
My anxiety, my OCD, the reason I went on the pills,
The reason why I drink myself to sleep some nights,
The reason why I'm different.
Why bother?
It always falls down the empty void of
"You're too sensitive. You're too sensitive. You're too sensitive."
I have learned to swallow it because I have learned that
You don't want to listen to someone who is burgeoning with emotions no one else knows how to hold.
I am shaking and my throat is burning but I'm not worried
Because I have long since memorized the hellfire of anxiety.
I know the dance of panic attacks step by step.
I know how to laugh it off even though I'm dry heaving in the bathroom stalls because
I know how to ******* endure.

I will swallow this encounter and swallow every insult you hurl at me as this wrong against you keeps rising from the dead
Because even though I'm the devil to you,
You wouldn't have it any other way.

I guess I'm scared because
When you hear my voice
You don't hear wedding bells calling,
Only empty howls for naked nights.

Hi, you've reached my voicemail-
Dry spells, waiting,
Tucked in bed and shaking,
Dreaming of the day we are eachothers shadow again,
Bickering and snickering over bragging rights,
Over little car fights,
Outnumbered by the years that have passed
Since things were alright,
Invariably in tears because that's right,
There is no end to the lonely night!
The stars are blinking out faster
Than I can make up my mind
And is it worth it, old friend?
Was our last goodbye really the end?
Are the feelings mutual,
Or is it all in my head?
Does this muffled silence
Really mean that it's dead? -
I'll get back to you as soon as I can.

:DIAL TONE

I feel like I've said goodbye a million times -
Emotions often betray facts, so I suppose it's easy to understand
Why you always avoided them.

You still try to hide that I run through your mind
From time to time,
Sometimes all the time.

I think about you too, babe.
Sometimes all the time.

And as you look at yourself naked in the mirror
For the first time in months
Mulling over valleys of curves
Where other girls might find emptiness
Or the blush of acne
Where modest peach may be found
You begin to wonder - who spun the planets in their dance
And if this earth really wanted it -

Or if gravity's whimsy is really some mad beast
To which celestial beings are found
With zip-locked lips, tight, wide-eyed, forcing a smile
As they are twirled madly about -
As the stars watch their blood stained ballet from their ivory tower
Spewing spells of laughter in things called nebulae -

And as you look in the mirror
And gaze into the eyes of a girl who's seen
Thick and thin wrapping her bones like a trend
You ask yourself if the earth threw a tantrum
When it was handed it's stack of seven,
It's crummy hand,
If today it is still cursed to watch
A stumbling, shuffling race
Breeding life just to slaughter it,
And not thinking about where they plant their eucalyptus trees,
Blazing trails with their talk of taxes and alcohol-stench -

If the earth is left to bellow in the currents of it's winds
Or dream wistfully of the moon in its tides
If the whispers of the breeze
And the uproar of the hurricanes
Was just a way to say
WHATS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?
If it ever cursed it's luck from the draw
To burden beasts of salt and volumes of soil,
If it cried and howled to the stars above
When it wasn't given it's way.

The day is enveloped in the sun's golden lines,
But beneath that blue the stars still shine.

Jamming her fingers into the keyboard,
You would have thought that it was elastic -
You would have thought she was digging into her soul,
Searching for something stronger than this
Broken melody.

I am the skyline,
I'm the night littered with stars;
My shine roars for you.

Stitched to the rose thorns,
The petals have all fallen -
And yet you just laugh.

What have I for you?
Flesh and bone, curves for clutching,
Or maybe there's more.

He was all tattoos,
And cigarette breath - knocked down,
Drowned beneath his charm.

her body rusting -
yes, they call me vagabond -
prisoned to wander.

Starry eyed dreamer,
Why are you in the gutter?
It's time to come home.

Hammered with wonder -
Enamored by all the stars -
Beauty, not so far.

Exceptionally so, I am completely myself cumulatively by everything in my past; a shadow of all that once was, folding and stretching before all that is to be. Yet in the same way, I am tied together with you. All the threads that have sewn us into a whole are now bound together. My completeness is not founded by nor complimented by you, but so heavily compared to yours, that I do not wish to live without you if I cannot stand it.

Those were the days,
When spring time was everyday,
When every morning was the smell of fresh cut flowers and dew,
When clouds lolled lazy in your eyes
And song birds burst forth like laughter in the sky.

Then you'd called me Peaches,
Or sometimes Peaches and Cream,
And though you used the term sparingly
I could hear the gold in your voice,
Or see the pink in your cheeks,
Back in those pink days.

It was yours, all yours,
And no one else's.

Please restrain me
The sky is too big
But oh, how the sky is too small to be free.
This restless heart is pumping dreams through my veins
They are white, they are clouds, they never stop
Soft and slow, always coming,
Do they ever fully pass through?

Please clip these wings
There's too many cars in the city
So I crave and claw for something blue
I mean, these trees were once young too
How did they satisfy their hunger for something new?
So nourish my roots, clip these wings
Maybe I really just shouldn't be free.

The world was pushing me cotton white lillies
But all I saw were rose petals flooding in the breeze.

My kisses were stars in the sky
Never ending, bright as can be
But even those started blinking out,
Flickering like candle light.

Wide eyes stuck on the moon,
*I never could keep my eyes on the road when driving with you.

I broke the spell,

Skin raw with burn marks,
I look towards the sky -
The clouds are still gorging themselves
With a deluge of dancing fire,
But I no longer wince with pain
Yearning for you.

I'm free.

We would find eachother in the mornings
With pine dancing on the still breeze
Dew bursting green, kissing the sky
You and I would talk all night.

Now youre roaming hospital halls,
Flowers clutched under that ghostly pale face
And none of these bustling nurses will tell you where to go
Before the petals whither and die.

I can't keep doing this -
Spilling on you like keroscene -
Setting my heart ablaze -
Just for you to feel *okay.

I loved learning that little language of yours
In the midday noon highs
When the sun would tick from golden to red
Setting ablaze to all our study time.
(We rolled down hills in fits of laughter.)

I never could quite catch that accent -
The way you'd allign your stars and rest your pride,
Or shake off my stupid little wrestles
With just the double tap-tap on my thigh.

Your voice is gone now,
Except for howls on the midnight eves.
It soars on winds, lost in tornadoes,
Quick and blitzing on the summer breeze.

And you were born from the ivy.
You were bruised black and blue from the sky kissing you all over,
Feet to hands,
and everywhere inbetween,
With her arms wide open,
And her promises to run from horizon to horizon
So as never to be out of sight.
You wore the crown, pleasure tickling your cheeks.
You were free to leave.

But somehow,
Even after the diamond speckled,
Moonlit crescent winking banner
Had waved and left,
And even with the sun spitting fire
Too close to the ground,
Somehow,
You stayed.
You stayed, you stayed,
Swinging your smile wide,
Ribs pressed clean and open,
You stayed.

And even when the nights pinched
The fire from your eyes
Like a long burnt candle,
And even when the midday hours
Drank the life from your cheeks,
You knew where to look when the clouds
Ran, loud and puttering.
You stayed.
You stayed,
Floating with the stars
Dancing with the sun
Even after knowing
The dizzying taste of touching the sky.
*You stayed.

You are so full of joy -
the kind in youth that spills on to skin in winding ink,
creating the din echo of forever every time
you see your arm in the corner of your eye.

Its a bright sort of joy, like the kind that unfurls itself down isles,
trumpeting and unraveling as a veil
twisted too tight too soon speaks of codependent dreams too softly.

I drove you to the gutter.*

Now I'm drowning in the sewage water,
Flailing about,
Stupidily and hopelessly in love
With just a memory of you.

And the Earth -
always, the smell of the Earth haunted his dreams.
He always woke lost to the scent of pungent pines and vegetation,
or soaking soil with the dust after rain drifting away from him
like a night-companion that knew nothing but
morning-after abandonment.

He couldn’t shake those nights -
they were a disease that plagued him, tauntingly,
letting him function in the day but still
keeping phantom hands across his heart.

And suddenly, I felt the stares heavy on me.
Eyes snapping and pinching into my bare skin,
Gazes bearing marble-weight,
Boring into my little black dress like eternity.

*** in the air, dreams in my exhales
Flashes of a naked me as my drinks fall on their tab -
As I love my angel wings away
One feather at a time.

Why do we think we can save eachother?
How would rings dressed in silver,
Whole and ceaseless,
Make us complete?

You can have the skies,
You can have the seas!
You can have the whole **** world,
But you can't have me.

The pink sky is abridged, forever and free
While my breath is tuned to sing like clouds -
Impossibly loud, but soft like slow music,
Bach, Beethoven, and free.

I break every rule for you.
We walk the thin wire between sunrise and something more,
With ****** feet
Two blots, horizon bound,
Wobbling and free.

You try to kiss me
But my words send a flurry of gusts into
The fading night.
They are crimson, they are gasoline,
They are scattering colors over our skies
As you take my breath from mine
Forever and free.

And all the street lights at dawn always looked like pinned stars
Hanging low enough for man to touch
Under the pink swallows of sky
Barely loud enough to make me wonder
If God had sewn diamonds in our eyes
When we went into the world
And made it our own

You call me
I am running, ripping through the night
I am running towards you, again and again
I see the smoke rise and I feel my feet move,
Sparks blitzing from my toes.
I am running to hear that I will be free -
You still see through me like hushed glass in a window.

You know that
I am not running to feel your warm touch
I am not running because our hearts are kindling
Though I think I am.
I am running when you snap
Because the flames are dancing once again
And I have yet to realize that

*I am not your fire
I am just your matchbox.

I thought I was worth a song
A bouquet of flowers, a love letter
But I soon learned that
My curves were just harpoon meat
Drowned under cheers
At the whale sightings

I like the way you look at me
As you watch me leave.

I like how you gaze at the sight.
Just as the sun slowly watches the sky darken
Before the night.

Stopped moving, final twitches -
****** dry -
Colorless -
Eyes still open, tongue hanging free -
"Dead as a dog" -
just cold.


No I don't want to linger on the cliche of death
But I still wonder how the life ebbs away, silently
How it unsticks itself
How the limbs, once stiff with life
Resign into the shadows
With that final sigh.

And would it be so hard to sit and boil in the truth -
To let the regret stir in the tea leaves,
To let the colors spill and rise into the eaves?

Could I let my words be candid -
Or will I be swallowed in the sky and rain
Before my petals bow to the floor in defeat?

Its 2 am and the streetlights are slowly crawling by. This song is humming from rooftop to wheels. You are passed out in the passenger seat. You lost count of the drinks you had tonight - the numbers lost their claim when you were toilet side, hurling the night back up. But you dont care. I saw the way your eyes spilled with her laughter, your words soupy with her speech.
You called me up because you know I'd come to. Because I always do. (I sometimes wondering if you know I keep my ringtone on during nights when the drunk texts stream through.)
This song is playing. I ask myself what sort of prisoner I have become, and where you dropped the keys between the drinks? I move to stroke your hair like before, but I stop myself - do I wanna know? Repose kisses your cheeks, and the stars dance on as you sleep with ease.

The markers on the highway are singing of night's white gleam.
I am two eyes lifting from the ivory smoke-out
Watching them like a trail of matches you dropped behind,
With your flat-footed nakedness, sauntering, swaggering,
While the dying flames are dreaming of cigarettes you'll never smoke,
While the hungry embers are reaching for that old
Tobacco breath that will never nest in my lungs again -
I don't think I love you anymore -
It is cancerous, bubbling,
It is ripping my flesh anew with fingers like charcoal paper,
Like roasting meat,
Like wood waiting passively for the fire's whispering touch.

You used to roll your own tobacco leaves.
I am crisp and frail, reaching for them,
Never sure of how the flaky touch would one day boil to ashes.
The mountain is tugging me, the tumbling mystery,
White markers ablaze and all;
Light is spilling from the sky, gray and misty
As if night and morning are distilling themselves
Into hovering phrases, half-*** excuses -
I'll fix it one day, I swear -
The fog is barely unsticking itself from the rocky peaks,
My jagged heart is watching as the dying haze begins to leave,
And I am wondering if that trail of cigarettes will lead me home.

I wonder about you sometimes -
What happened - where it went wrong -
The metamorphosis.
You spent all those years peering through the looking glass.
The world would bustle around you,
Hell, it could have been embroiled in flames,
But still you'd sit idle,
Unaware of the fat fingers of fire pooling at your toes,
Seeing things about me that perhaps I couldn't even see
(The things you said were always so sweet).

But I think somewhere along the way
The single-star nights
And heaving sobs in the car finally broke you
Something in that lens suddenly cracked,
And you got up from your cave,
And it never occurred to you that when things break
You need to fix them -
No, no, never.
You never looked back,
Almost as if looking through that chipped glass was something beautiful,
Like a mosaic, a kaleidoscope,
Pretending the shards weren't gouged in your eyes,
Shedding blood.

I wonder about you sometimes.
I wonder where your words roll off to now -
Who's pages are they sinking heavy into?
Who's cup are they filling?
Do your fears still make you writhe at night,
And is there some nurse-like shadow of me
To wake you from your nightmares?
I wonder about your kaleidoscope eyes,
And why the ******* don't see things the way you used to.

We are a strange blend of flesh and soul,
Ripping through the dead grass of another's
Night-time moans
And morning-time groans
Absentmindedly,
With our eyes turned towards
A map of stars
Hidden by a strange sort of azure -

We chant for the hot meat and cold drink
To wet our lips,
To slide down our throats
Ravenously,
And fill a place within us that we know
Will always be hollow;
A place that will never know the pleasure
Of being whole.

you stand so close to me,
but you can keep doing it babe -
it's sort of reckless to for me to like it,
but it makes me think that there's beauty in a racing heart.

the silent hum of peace is strumming on my heart.
i turn my head to the sky, freedom on my lips.
the horizon is pink with whimsy, with slumber,
and i think of the mountains in their stoic ways.
i think of you when you fled to the clouds
in their richness, in their roar of rain to come.

it is not a question of will i see you again?
as i close my eyes, a smile creeping forth.
it is not the scars ripping open again as
the tears bleed themselves into life.
the cold shiver of peace is firing through my veins
as dawn breaks, cleansing and free.

it is a knowing peace - i think i love you enough
i think i know - i know that i know
*i will see you again