How beautiful I felt
When my dress was as dark as the night sky
And when sequins sparkle like stars
Like when we ran up the hill and forgot for a moment
About how our lives flash by
How the stars I love are dead
And how the spitting rain was ruining my dress
The dress that I pulled from the sky
And when my hair was falling out
And I held my shoes by the heels
And life by the hands
And when, in that moment, I was dressed like the night
How the statues came to life
And the empty parking lots stayed empty
And the cars on the highway were my spotlights
How beautiful I felt
When, for a moment, I was dressed in night
On the top of a hill
Getting wetter by the minute
And forgetting that, in the long run,
I should be caring about this
About how the stars were dead
And life is short
And my dress is getting wet
And my hair is falling out
But I wasn't.

I haven't decided if he's bearded and white
If he's Asian
Or maybe African American
Or we could be praying to a one-eyed,
One-horned,
Flying, purple, people-eater
And we wouldn't know
Because what if that happens after we die?
Unless you're like the miracles from the books
Where you die and talk to God and come back
Or if He talks to you on a regular basis
Or maybe we have it wrong and He prefers to be a She
And we wouldn't know
It's out of our realm
We don't know
And you can't tell me what I need to believe
Because we're both still trying to figure it out
Because we are people
And most of the time
Questioning exactly what I'm being told not to question
Seems like exactly what I want to do.

You know something happened
When every teacher walks into the hall
And a shared, scared glance sweeps across everyone
When your friend walks into the room and tells you
And the teacher brings you into a class of strangers
To tell you how much you mean to her.
You know something happened
When she starts crying and telling you
That she can't sugarcoat it even if she wanted to
And when you walk into your next class
And the room is silent
But the teacher didn't tell them to be.
And when there is a staff member at every corner
And when there is silence in the halls
And how you didn't even know him
But it makes you sad as well.
And how every stranger to walk in the building
Could feel the tension in the air
And how you turn the corner and see your youth pastor
And how you can't even tell your best friend how you feel
And how the silence shows you that through tragedy,
We are one.
And how the silence told me that we unite through feeling,
An unspoken feeling,
A silent tribute throughout the halls
Throughout the day.
And how you see the sadness, the tissues and hugs,
And how you wonder if that's how he felt
Before it happened
Before any of us felt this way
And you wonder if he felt this feeling
The beautiful high school quarterback
With everything seemingly perfect
And you wonder if he felt this way-
numb.

The only thing worse than being bored
Is why
Because there's a world of things I can do
There is a backyard for me
And a field behind it
And a perfectly good road to walk down.
I have a dog
And a pen and paper
And papers that someone scrawled on
So I can immerse myself in fictitious problems
And imagine mine don't exist
But I have the audacity to say I have some.
There is a universe to study
Languages to learn
Math to ignore (because I hate it)
Religions to think about
And a ceiling that is in desperate need of staring at
Because it's been a few days since I've done that
But somehow
I'm being compelled to tap little squares
On a fancy opening book
With signals being sent and people waiting to read it.
And somehow
Even though there's all these amazing things happening
People meeting people
Crying, laughing, hugging
Exploring, calculating, and doing what they love
I am sitting here
And I am typing
And that's just what I want to be doing.

A million words cannot describe
The way I looked at her
A thousand times I've tried to say
The kinds of feelings that occur.
And a hundred wishes I have said
Wishing I just said no
But other things she wished to chase,
"If you love her, let her go."
Walking lands I wish I knew
Seeing people may have changed
Was I really gone for that long?
She's made me feel estranged!
Learn to walk and live again
Like a toddler in the snow
Finding new and wondrous things
"If you love her, let her go."
I loved her, lost her
Found her again
She asked to leave, I should've said no
I'm thinking about it too much now
I loved her, but I let her go.

I've only been good at logic puzzles
But this is a puzzle I can't get
These little ones that rattle in a box
And sit on my shelf, simply untouched
Those put-together puzzles
With the frustratingly beautiful blue sky
Frustrating because somehow it all fits together
But I can't tell if this is a cloud
Or a bird
Or maybe dust because I haven't touched it in a while.
It'll be a pretty blue sky and field
With pink flowers and red trees
So maybe it's late autumn
Or fall accidentally forgot it was supposed to be spring
But either way its frustrating
Because there aren't any solid lines in this puzzle
And I can't deduct any solid answers
So I do the only thing that seems somewhat sane
I give up
I put the box back
To let the clouds collect more dust
And let the lines on the pretty red trees
Become more indistinguishable
I put the box back so I can pick it up later
And hope that maybe next time
The lines will be a little more clear to me.

Stupid Kohl's commercial
Poking fun that she's not here
It'll be a lonely Christmas
Without Mrs. Claus this year.
They decorate the woman's house
With golden garland, lights
Hang the diamonds from the tree
For when she comes home that night.
It's like they knew she wasn't home
But I guess her home is now up there
She can celebrate with Grandpa now
I just wish they were still here.
No more Santa ornaments
Or stockings hanging low
No more fruit salad parties
Or reindeer food  in the snow.
I can't seem to fathom it
That I must make another wreath
That this year you won't be helping us
No more Christmas specials to see.
So when I have the jingle bear
And I play the song for kicks
J-I-N-G-L-E Bells
I'll cry at the memories that stick.
I really love the holidays
I'd love them more if you hadn't gone
Enjoy your Christmas with Grampa, please
And play me the jingle song.