I stopped writing love poems when I met you,
and started writing psalms instead: I took
your lips as the body and your hips
as the blood of a Holy Spirit you’ve been
hiding in your eyes, your eyes, your eyes
that I’ve been praying to
worship, worship, worship. Some would call
this feeling blasphemy, but since it is winter,
I am willing to take a little trip down to hell
to melt the cold in my bones, especially
if that means I can walk you back
to Heaven. But don’t take this all too seriously
because
I stopped writing love poems when I met you,
and started writing psalms instead: I took
your words as Gospel and raised them to my
tongue and matched it with yours to bathe
myself in your waters to wash away my sins-
and yes, I am a sinner, for I have undertaken
many a Crusade to prove myself worthy
of you. But the blood of my enemies is your
hips. The lips of those I have left for you is
your body. And still in your hell I find Heaven.
But
don’t take this all too seriously because
I stopped writing love poems when I met you.

every night, before I let my mind rest
     I slip off my clothes
     and indulge my raw, naked self
in a bath of memories.

I let the harsh water
     trickle over every inch of me,
     until it reaches my chest
and fills my heart with frost.

     I try to scrub the guilt
off my skin,
     I try to lather the regret
out of my hair,
     and to ignore the feeling of the memories
hovering over my femininity
    
until I can't take it
                                       anymore.

so I drain the water out of my tub
     and the memories out of my mind
     and i slip on my robes
     and try to stop thinking
for a while, as I sleep.

but tonight*, when I pool in the water
    and it trickles all over me
    my heart is not filled with frost
it is filled with rigged ice.

i am filthy,
     the guilt does not wash away
     the regret still clings to me.

and as I try to breathe
     I want to ignore the memories
     that flood my femininity
     but they make their way up
and into my body
and into my mind.

today, I can't ignore it
          it's all too much to bear
and I can't take it
                               anymore

so I slip into the water
     and it suddenly becomes warm
     and washes away my clouded thoughts

I am flooded with a new feeling
     of pooling red peace
     as I sink under
and try to *stop thinking, as I rest

and hope to never wake up
                                                  and have to think again.

I take my final guilty breath.