Am I really meant for this?
to love without return, without hope
to love desperately and never quite have that which I love
my heart has been yearning my whole life for something-
perfect communion, perfect harmony- a partner in crime
a soulmate, someone to love me wholly
and you're going to tell me I can't have that? My whole life
I've been waiting and planning for it, but I will never have it.
people have always been telling me I have been too much
so I stopped sharing, I can't tell you how I feel in words
without crying, because I have always been a burden, an enormous
intensity of feeling, too much love for people to handle
too much hope, too much emotion, to share without crushing
I must bear the burden on my own, never to share, never to partner
never to communicate, to be equal, to bear with each other.
I must hold all of it within, with only the help of the Lord my God.
Am I really meant for this? Why?
Why would God make this destiny for me?
Why would God make this loving heart for heartbreak?

and then I remembered.

After all, I did ask to love like you, Lord.

God doesn't want us to just be happy.
God wants us to be like Him.

I stare into to the barren
Blank verses match
Blank skies
Match empty eyes
Match dull minds
Ships that list
Leaning left
Sinking starboard
Taking on water
Drowning in debt
Till they die
And pass their distress
Down to the next generation

Never had it
Though I want it
Long to find myself
A home

Lonely child
Older man
Never works out
Like he plans
There’s no home

The road gets heavy
His eyes get redder
For every written one
There’s no return letter
Sent from home

Memories buzzing
The swarm of flies
Sick and disgusting
They promise him lies
But no home

Loving arms
More like barb wired
Hands
Cut him
Shredded his spirit
Till he understands
There’s no home

Tears come
When he wakes
Tears come
When sleeps
Even when he dies
There’s no stone
To mark his final home
Oxytocin relief

The poetry of flesh
Is porous pink skin
Breathing
Needing to be touched
To find peace of mind

There’s no rose in the winter.
The snow has buried her stem.
The ice has broken her petals.
The frosted flower won’t bloom again.

I never knew I could miss someone like you.
How miserable you made me.
How much of a monster you've become.
But here I am, missing everything about you.
Even the horrors you hold within.
I loved everything you offered.
Even the heartache you caused.
And every little stab at my heart never decreased my want for you.
I can't help it.
I'm so madly in love with a monster.
I'm so in love with what we had.
Your lips were like fireworks.
Every kiss was magical.
Every touch made me shiver.
Just the sound of your voice soothed me.
I remember thinking this is it.
You are it.
But eventually, like everything, you had to go.
I was too much.
It was too much.
I remember that day like it was yesterday.
You left me for another.
An old friend if you will.
An enemy of mine.
You left and that was it.
Only for you.
Because here I am still loving you.
Here I am wishing I was her.
Every time you were upset.
I should've grabbed you and said it was okay.
Even if it wasn't.
You were the only one who made me feel.
I felt everything at once.
I want that back.
I want you back.
Even though you killed me.
I'd give my life again just to be with you.
I'd gladly go through that pain again, to be with you.
I'm crazy I know.
But who could love you like I did.
I know she can't.

I guess I don't expect you to still love me.
I'll be honest, I don't even love me.
I wish things could be different.
I wish I was that girl again.
The one keeping you out of trouble.
The one loving you until night fall.
I can't explain why you're hard to let go of.
I can't explain the way your name makes me feel.
The way it hurts.
I'm an idiot.
Chasing you after the pain.
Guess I'm an idiot in love.
And that's how it'll stay.