I am in a bad state, physically and emotionally (mostly emotionally) and this is mostly a self healing type of thing. Bear with me. A lot of swearing and some mild crying were involved.

1. For starters, I'd like to say that I am sorry for the current state that we're in. Our friendship has slipped through my fingers faster than any liquid could and left me numb and confused and sort of hung over. I never meant to cause you anger towards me in any way but I guess sometimes these things are meant to happen and there isn't anything we can do about it.
2. I kind of miss your small hands and the way they were always outstretched, ready to catch every drop of disappointment and wonder the world had to give. They were always cold too; maybe from all the icy truths they held. I liked the way you moved them when you couldn't figure out the exact words to say, as if they were your cue cards you couldn't quite read.
3. I don't know if we'll ever speak again or if you will look me in the eye when you walk past me, if you even think of me when you see me. I don't know if you still consider me a mistake or the nights we spent together a mistake the way chopping off my hair with Crayola scissors when I was four was a mistake.
5. When this is over, remember that you are not any less loved: you are still the girl who has looked fear in the face every day and fated, “I do not belong to you.”
6. You taught me that everyone leaves. This is no longer something I can romanticize, I’m not capable of turning this pain into poetry anymore. It’s just sadness. It’s just hurt. It’s just hard.
7. In fifty years when I sit down to write a poem about us, (and I will), I will word the way this situation
panned out, pinpoint perfectly why you are letting go, I will have just enough knowledge to write a funny sarcastic quip about how sorry you should be for losing me, but today I am desperate for some explanations, and the present does not seem comical or ironic— it is Cinderella’s lost slipper sad, a future slipping away because you are scared of the clock chiming midnight, and although in hindsight I will laugh at myself, at you, at this, I will tell my children things like, “Wasn’t I silly?” and they will nod, and tuck my cautionary tales under their skin as little life reminders. Although in 50 years I will call you 5 decades too late, say I'm sorry that I never seemed to say “I love you” at the right time, ask how the years have been, and wonder of all the things that could have been if I'd had the right words. I cannot see the future, and all I am is filled with uncertainty rusting my heart and tainting my hope the way rain rusts metal in the spring, wishing that if nothing else, at least someday I will be able to understand.
8. The past three days have been a rollercoaster of emotions, from the highest elation, to the lowest depression. I hope you're happy, I really do. If nothing else, I hope you think of me and the times we shared and smile a little bit. I hope your wildest dreams come true and I hope you realize you are full of bountiful potential spilling out from every bit of you, even your aura. I hope I'm on your *List of Things That Keep Me Up at Night but in a good way. I hope you actually read Things Fall Apart and make literary connections between the characters in that book and our friendship. I don't even know what I'm saying. I hope you find the words I never could. I hope you wake up one morning and say "I'm going to change the world," because you can. I hope you dance in the rain and not care if your hair gets wet. I hope you get yourself figured out.

Helen walked down
the steps of St Jude’s school
her mum was waiting for her
with the big pram

you were by the school gates
are you coming back with us?
Helen said
ok

you said
and so you
and Helen
and her mum

walked along
St George’s Road
her mother talking
about the shopping

she’d done
and what she’d bought
Helen walking alongside
you thinking of Cogan

and him saying
he was going to
smash your face
but he didn’t of course

he was all mouth
but even if you had to
fight him you had to
be careful of his glasses

never hit someone
with glasses your mother
used to say
but if you had to

you would of course
can you come to tea?
Helen asked
you looked at her mum

pushing the pram
if it’s all right
with your mum
you said

it’s fine
her mother said
as long as you
don’t expect caviar

and she laughed
and you wondered
what caviar was
but smiled anyway

and once you got
to Helen’s house
you said
will my mum know

where I am?
yes I told her
you’d come with us
for tea this morning

Helen’s mum said
that’s good isn’t it
Helen said
and she took you

into the sitting room
and you sat
on the big brown settee
and she sat beside you

and told you
about the boy
in her class
who said she looked

like a toad with glasses
I don’t do I?
she said
not at all

you said
you’re pretty
you added
beginning to blush

do I?
she said
yes
you said

and she kissed
your cheek
and you patted her
on the back

and she went off
to the kitchen
where her mum
was getting tea

and you heard her say
Benedict said I was pretty
that’s nice
her mother said

now ask Benedict
if he wants bread and jam
or bread and dripping
and you saw Helen’s

old doll Battered Betty
on an armchair
by the fireplace
staring at you

with that smile
on its face.

the only boy i ever loved
is awake while i am sleeping
the tinman boy lives upside-down
but in my tongue i keep him

while screens have saved us tenfold times
i still sit and mull your visit
those days spent tangled in your hair
i won’t admit i miss it.

you drove stick-shift but held my hand
jumped guardrails and pythons and nerves
painted me with waterfall clay
and careened around my curves

your tongue is strings on violins
and i am no virtuoso
each rusted joint creaks heartless songs
while my will swings to and fro

you’re tension like a tinder box
or a match-head ripe for striking
i can’t speak freely of your hands
but found them to my liking

i hope i am not novelty
or distraction wrapped in ennui
i, for one, am enthralled by you
and how you can’t sing on-key

raggedy thoughts bite (just like you)
of distance and futures and you
sentences always end with you
except when you want them to

the only boy i ever loved
is spiteful and tragic and sweet
the tinman boy lives far away
at least until next we meet

I feel like a monster..
I am no longer me.
My nail color has turned to black.
I can't remember the last time I was truly happy.
Can you smile with a mind filled with sorrow?
Disoriented, but still say you're ok?
Can you be drained, yet determined and mellow?
How about apprehensive, embarrassed, yet adequate?
I just want to know what you did to me.
This curse you have bestowed.
I just want to know what you think of me.
..Tell me before I hit my all tim
                                                    e

                                                                     l
                                                                         o
                                                                               w..

i lie on my bed in a big L
and try to think about
what made me
me
stare my vanity
in the face
realize
that years
of precision makeup
layered on
like the rings on the inside
of a tree
are what made my personality
and that the varying degrees of ******
that i look like each day
dictate
my happiness
and that i am sick of
humans