It starts with a small trigger:
A word, an image, an object
That brings your thoughts back to
Them

It knocks the wind out of you
You don't want to remember
Yet at the same time you do

Then the memories invade your brain
Take over your very being
Render you immobile

Everything goes tight
Eyes squeeze shut
Fingers, a vice around the nearest table
Trying not to let this be your undoing

Finally the pain subsides
Passes over you like an ocean wave
Leaving you sapped of energy and full of relief

But the relief quickly turns to dread
Because you can't help but wonder
When this ****** cycle will start again

Numb the pain, take it all away
I've been hurting long enough

No, pile it on and let me drown
I don't deserve numbness

You can do so much better
Why keep a friend like me?

Wait, come back, don't leave me
I'll go insane without you

Memories of you are fading fast
I think it's better off this way

Don't fade! Don't fade!
I don't want to forget!

My thoughts are messy contradictions
All tangled around you

Everything is changing
Hustling, running to the future

I feel as if I am submerged in water
No sounds, no one around me
Frozen

Now I am in a crowded street
People pushing and shoving to eagerly reach their destination
While I remain
Frozen

Everyone around me is constantly moving
And I am standing still

We are critical.

We find flaws in
everything we see
because nobody
wants to write
about perfection,
even though sometimes
we wish we could just stay
staring into that
unblemished surface.

2. We are never satisfied.

We live our lives upon
mountains of
scrunched up
bits of refill and
ideas we gave up
trying to
express.

3. We never forget.

We write words about
eye contact made
three months ago
that we replay over
and over in our minds
even though it
stopped
being relevant.

4. We are fickle.**

Our emotions flash
from one
to the other
like strobe lighting that
disorientates us
until we feel as if
the world
will never be still.

5. We are exposed.

We don't know how
to keep our feelings
to ourselves so
we'll write them
down for
you to find
'accidentally'.

6. We are vulnerable.

We wear our
hearts on our sleeves
and won't lift a
muscle to fight back
if somebody tries
to break it
because we thrive
from the pain.

7. We will never stop.

We will never stop
feeling and
we will never stop
hurting,
we will never stop
breaking and
bleeding and
loving
even though the cycle
is endless
and we know what's
coming next.


We are addicted
to agony,
but we agonise
for the art.

Who are you?
I don't know anymore

Like smoke
You slipped through my fingers
Leaving only your scent on my hands

You say you're my best friend
Yet you hurt me again and again
Burning me, scarring me
Leaving me to question everything

I don't want to throw it all away
But I'm losing hope
I've tried so hard to make it work

I may know your name
But the rest of you is fading away