In rumination I dwell

Wondering where it all went wrong

Why do I suffer?

Why do I struggle?

Why so difficult feeling at home in my body?

In this soul-searching I realize

I am but a product of generational trauma

Of suppressed emotions begging to release

Of repressed power too inconvenient to the patriarchy

Of festering illness, of stuffing oneself full so to not feel all of this any longer

Of diabetes and depression and erratic mood swings undiagnosed, misunderstood

Genetic mutation and poor methylation

Self hatred of bodies full and voluptuous, only to shrink down

Because that's what society and the magazines said to do

Never satisfied

Never questioning any of it!

Perpetuating the cycle

On and on down the rabbit hole of my own self-study

Seeking knowledge of how to heal

The herbs to take, the foods to eat

The mantras to chant and affirmations to exclaim

Right down to every biological mechanism and neurotransmitter

Doing the work to break the cycle

Desperate for answers, for meaning, for clarity!

I just want to know why! Why are we like this?

What can I do? Where can I go?

I just want to feel well

In a moment of truth, it became clear to me what I must do

See, some of us were put here to be cycle breakers

To end the trauma!

To speak our truth!

To own our strength!

To feel at peace in body and mind!

To embrace our femininity and take back what is ours!

Oh, if I could go back and just teach them!

Show them what's possible!

Hold them and say, there there

Not to worry

We are healed now

The best I can do is share what I have learned

To live this truth in the present

So much that it inspires everyone around me

And that my dears, is how it is done

just want to live in a world

where we normalize loving yourself

where being kind to others is standard

where everyone does their shadow work

and realizes it's not all about them

where everyone finds their soulmate

their purpose

their calling

where poor health and disease is not the norm

and we are thriving as best versions of ourselves

call me a conspiracy theorist

call me an idealist

at least i dare to dream of something greater

it all begins with you...

"Break this curse on my love life!"

I exclaim to the universe

I blame the men

I blame the planets

I blame myself:

"What the hell is wrong with me?"

"Why am I not good enough?"

I call it bad timing, their loss

I am strong and smart and I'm getting by just fine on my own

Ignoring the love shaped hole in my heart

It's all just bad luck

Woe is me

When will I ever get a break?

I looked in the mirror today

Freshly clean after a ritual bath

Born anew after a lunar eclipse

I stared myself dead in the face and found gratitude

Gratitude for the love I do have in my life

Yet humbly seeking more

I said, "I would like more love in my life!"

"I welcome more love into my life!"

A message came back to me as I stared into my own soul:

"You are the one sabotaging your own love life"

Immediately I felt release

Release in the realization I am the one getting in the way of real intimate love

I named all of the things I need to change

Intuitively, I just knew

My heart is closed

I play games

I claim to be shy and awkward yet really, I always wait for the other to reveal their cards first

My signals are mixed; throat chakra blocked

Too afraid to go after the love I desire

Lesson after lesson, failing each test

Now I understand

There are no games in true love

There is no doubt in the world that yes, this is the person

This is organic chemistry

There is no fight, no going against wills

No question of mutual interest

No forcing something that isn't there

Simply all the right elements in the perfect combination, at the very right moment

Sparking, catalyzing

Grounded in reality

Finally, I understood

Finally, I broke the curse

At a crossroads again

Hecate incarnate

The goddess in me yearns for freedom

I choose a path leading away from what once was

I no longer fear any path is a wrong path

but the one leading to exactly where I need to be

For a time, I may walk alone

because there is such growth in solitude

If we meet along the way, I am grateful for your company

Life can get lonely at times

We can walk together, in a common direction

or we can go our separate ways once there is only room for one

I will not drag you with me if this is not where you are meant to go

But I will guide you to your own path to follow with love and encouragement

And if we meet again along the way, I hope you have grown

Maybe we can teach each other something new

Or maybe we will walk together, except on parallel paths

Together, yet separate

Headed in the same direction

With plenty of room to breathe

It's just nice knowing you're there

Yes, I think this is the way

Ask not why I'm not yet wed

but hope I am happy instead

Wish I may never blindly be led into a life of regretful dread

Celebrate self love is always enough

Know I am a true diamond in the rough

Behold, I am too strong, too bold

to settle for anything less than gold

In this day and age if you are different

If you have longer hair and brighter eyes

If you have learned the math of the universe and understand the way nature works

If you have mastered ways to make life bend to your will

If you know how to listen to the vibration of the earth and march to the beat of a different drummer

You are called a witch

And you are judged and persecuted not physically but emotionally

Women hate you and men fear you

Had you been alive centuries ago you would have been burned at the stake

The memory, the anger lives on

But there is no prouder legacy

O karmic master
Wisened by lifetimes
Sharpened by experience
I bow to thee
You, the mentor
I, demented
Do your dance, lure me in
Cast a spell
Penetrate me with cunning
Fill me with intellect
Take the reins
Show me the ropes
Maybe you can be the one
To tie me down
and teach me a lesson