It's not fair for you
to not tell me
you love me.

If you don't love me
then don't walk up to me with that look in your eyes,
or that small smile on your lips,
or that laugh bubbling out of your chest.

Don't walk up to me like you love me.
Walk up to me like you have no idea who I am,
or what I stand for,
or what I wish for.

Don't let me make my day by making yours.

Don't let me love you
If you refuse to show me the same courtesy.

Why don't you love me anymore?

I don't know what I did to make it change;
I try to act like like it doesn't matter to me anymore.

But it does.

And you... you have no idea how it feels.
If you were going to do this to me,
why did you ever make a promise?
A promise to stay and love me..

Always.

I know I mess up, and I know I'm extremely selfish.
But I work on those flaws everyday.
Just to try to make you happy,
all I ever want is for you to be happy.

You say you are tired of this argument.
Well I'm tired of this pain.
You said forever, and so did I.
I guess the only difference is that I meant it.

Sometimes I wish that those moments never happened.
Why should they have, if their only purpose was to torment me.
You say you remember...
What! What do you remember?!
You tell me nothing... nothing.
Just leave me here with nothing..
You know I would do anything for you.
I just wish you loved me like I loved you.

It hurts so bad...
I don't want there to be another tomorrow.
What is the point of tomorrow if it will never be a happy one?
There isn't.

You have no idea how much I value you or cherish your existence.
You make me feel so happy...
but you hurt me so badly.
All I want to know is why?

Why don't you love me anymore?

And you..
you can't even give me that.

Selfishness;
with alcohol lying thick on her tongue.
Words spoke in cursive,
coming out in neat lines of hysteria.
What should I do,
should I leave, should I stay?
Kids crying as her questions float in the air.
Memories flooding back;
Same story, different parent.
If once was enough, twice is too much to bare.
Hating the one person I could always count on;
who was so strong the last time around;
who I strive to portray.
I am not this; nor will I ever be.
This whimpering lump of useless profanity,
this particle of betrayal...
Why? a thousand times I've asked;
to only get hit with a thousand more insults
from the mother who sunk to the bottom of the bottle.

I just was sitting here thinking and...

Thank You.

Thank you for everything you have taught me.
Every lesson, good and bad that has made me
Find a new component within myself.

I am weak, I am selfish: I am strong, I am selfless.
So many different parts of me have been brought to my attention.
I became good friends with myself after sitting there,
Alone in my room,
Creating melodies and thinking of every element of you.
Day, after day, after day.

Thank you for letting me realize that I could
Live without you.

IF,

If I wanted to.


But I don't.


So thank you for letting me realize that too.
And realizing that there actually might be a plan,
A plan that was made specifically for
Me..
A path that I'm supposed to walk down.

I choose to walk down the same path as you.
To mold each one of my footprints into yours,
Like I did in the evening on the Santa Cruz beach.
And silently clasp my hand in yours.

Just to say,
I'm here with you because I chose to be here.
And have you not say anything,
But just look at me with that look that you do.

That look that says,
Thank You for staying.
And we both smile because we're here together.

Thank you for letting me spill my thoughts on you
Like red grape juice.
And thank you for only removing the stains that hurt you,
Letting me pretend that I didn't say those words
When I was inebriated..
Drunk off of your personality and your secretiveness.

I feel as if I should shake your parent's hands,
Maybe thank them for bringing you into this world.
Or maybe I should shake God's hand.
Because I mostly see Him when I'm with you.

Thank you for every moment of laughter
And aching sweetness.
For every single tear we've both cried..
For the nights that no one else would understand,
And for the days that you infected me with happiness.

Thank you for being mine:

My plan,
My path,
My savior.

And most importantly,

Thank you for loving me.

When I lie down to sleep, I promise myself that you won't cross my mind.
But when i lay here in the quiet of the night, my thoughts slowly drift to you.
My mind wanders to moments past.
And I can still feel your touch on my skin.
I can feel the warmth of your sweet whispers absorb into my cheek.
I can feel your chest slowly rise and fall against mine.
And I can feel the warmth of your lips press to my hand before you drift off unto slumber.
My heart beats fast like it did when you put your hand over my chest.
I still can"t breathe when I think about not having you.
I know things have changed.
But those were my favorite days.
It didn't happen overnight.
But now I look back and everything is different.
My reality is without you.
But my thoughts and dreams allow you to swallow me up.
I miss your beautiful hands and your emerald green eyes that look straight into mine.
Like you can see my soul.
Hold me,
And let me hear you sigh in your sleep.
Hold me,
And let this love we have, this bond, this friendship thats so different...
Last forever.