To set the stage let’s set the table
Pan in on the family dinner scene
Add elevator music to the backdrop
Still more personal than conversations
Cue the pointed aroma of burned potatoes
And raw steaks that weren’t left out long enough to thaw
Yet somehow still warmer than the glares being cast behind water glasses
Please, join us
We invite you to take a look
At a family so close they don’t need to speak at all
Peer in through the window at the four figures basked in dim evening light
Aren’t they pretty?

I don’t know if my pull is magnetic,
or if I am glue and people just get caught up in the mess.

I used to like the fluffy
light
Cloud consistency
Of a single comforter
But now the layers of sheets
Appeal to me
All because
I like to feel the weight

Looking back
They said by now I’d have it figured out
Keep moving forward
I’m not sure if it’s the right direction
Because the angles of my feet differ from the gaze of my eyes
forcing my heart to bear the burden of tie breaker
Which is silly
Because my heart is a demagnetized compass and doesn’t know where to lead me

He doesn’t think I’m strong.
I could end it at that. My entire thought process boiled down to five words, but I’ll go on.
I have fears. I’m used to going it alone, and sometimes I back out just before I go too far. In any direction. But that choice is within my control, and I am empowered.
Yes, I am scared, but that doesn’t mean I will stop trying.

the same costume every year
who needs a better excuse to done a cape and feel heroic?
saves me beyond October 31st
doesn't depend on masks
a marvel to behold
an even better stronghold of security
she lets me in but holds fast to a double life

I didn't realize it was possible to be present
sitting in front of you
and still miss everything
you shared with someone else
who held a formal title.
I self identified as the friend
but its hard to step into a role
when I had been mislabeled all along.

But I don't even know anymore,
am I filling holes in the walls
or painting white splotches on blue skies?
It's all subject to the opinions of passerby

I am the high school posters that hung on your wall
Becoming irrelevant with time
A girl of a different era
I can only hope that you hesitate when taking them down

Because it’s been months or years
since you or him
and I don’t know if there will ever be an us in my future
but the mechanical thunder of my air conditioning unit sparks up conversations with the air more efficiently than I can ever hope to develop such a skill in this life time
and that’s my reality when I wake up every morning dreading the day
things stop working out
and I finally listen to more than three artists and achieve
all of the hopes and aspirations
I’m capable of but haven’t conjured up in my mind to set my sights on and work towards with every sliver of my essence as I did with convincing someone else I’m worthy of not only their love but my own.

Another Saturday spent wallowing in self-pity or in other words
in an empty house
Viewing independent off-beats I know you wouldn’t recognize
and still
I watch the driveway counting headlights as cars pass
Would you hate me if I said I didn’t want to see any facing me?
I swear if we go bowling one more time I’ll lose my mind
Solitude as my surroundings
I’ll eat prepackedged desserts and drink too many sodas
I doubt you even know that
Chocolate ice cream messes with my stomach
Irrelevant, I’m sure
Why does it matter if I mow the lawn tomorrow instead of right now?
Hanging self imposed deadlines over my head will get you nowhere
But as you know, it’s just another weekend at the Johnson residence.

I can't get rid of anything.
books I'll never read borrowed from my sister
worn navy-blue middle school band t-shirts
grandmother's photo albums of adventures I look at once every half decade
a spider-man lamp I plugged in maybe once
three different digital cameras dating back before 2007
white rose, silver ribbon dried flower corsage from senior prom
two can openers... I can't explain this one
memory jar of trinkets and treasures collected in single digit years
ten scarves cluttering my wall that I will definitely wear "one day"
cleats for who knows what sport
the orange nev surfboard from my uncle. I don't know how to surf.
Marshmallow, the ratty threadbare cat with the pink velvet nose
quarter collection--why haven't I spent yet?
store bought seashells, metro cards, old medications, empty make-up bottles, broken jewelry and flats a half size too big
Baggage.

it takes one soda to break out
painful monsters I cover up in the mornings
and one reminder of you to spiral back
into childhood emptiness
bumps under the surface
eighteen years then I was free
two more and you ceased to be

my body is deteriorating
faster than my thoughts of you

Tall, lanky smiling edge lord blessed with hair gifted to him from the gods
Hides his voluminous locks everyday under a hat
He’s nautical
Sweaters.
Thinks with his heart and not his head
The way he stops abruptly to gasp
(It’s more of a squeal)
Is he hurt or did he see a dog?
they melt his heart
(It melts mine)
Dreams of a family
His own to love
A child with special needs
Drinks chocolate milk with any meal
Texts me anytime there’s a sunset worth watching
(Which is every night)
Plans road trips around them
Aspiring musician in secret
Buys presents weeks prior to Christmas for everyone
expects none in return
Scowls with sarcastic delight
laughing at my jokes
(Ok I stole them from him)
“You better believe it!”
Poor taste in hockey teams
(Seriously, he likes the senators)
The senators
Such a goofball
Don’t be fooled, he’s a
Romantic
He met me when I was alone

But I know he was lonely too.

I swear if you yell at me one more time saying we’re leaving in thirty seconds—I’ll just take a full twenty nine

floating little bodies of restless energies
sugar bound
half-crazed still beating wings
only visible in vibrations
timid to the world they're caged in
a tiny flutter heart
I find myself wanting

Take a sip
Lean back casually
Open arms
Lazy smile of warm complacency
Allow eyes to dance captivating
Enough to cloak the cracks to the left
Focus on my pleasantries
If I pay them no mind it will be enough
Outsiders drift attention
No no no don’t look behind the curtain
Ask me another question I don’t care enough to craft a real answer
Two ears for a reason
conversations to follow
Face forward failing to distract
Another church scene ruined
The crowd thins
Voices of hysteria rise
Broken
Judgement
Take another sip
I’ve lost count

To the guy who forgot me and the guy who can’t get seem to forget:

You aren’t relevant just because I write about you

They smell intentionality on my skin
******* it’s way into relevancy

The bathroom smells like bleach
It romanced my skin
Now my hands bear memory
Sterilized kisses linger on my fingertips

I stare at an empty ceiling
because I gave him mine with the stars

I was always slightly annoyed
he said hello for just a little too long
my eyes and feet cast toward the door
he sat with tea in a public pass through
too many eyes would pass over
mine included
I found out why,
don't remember what sparked it
shrugs
"I don't really have any friends"
casual acceptance
he greeted everyone with a smile
my heart hurt
not many, but any
to him it was another day
my thoughts counteracted my actions
and I let him be
the next day too
and every time after I found out
feeling bad, but not enough to make a change
I won't see him next year
I wish I were a better person.

He is the light
who loves me through rainbows
and I am the rain

The devil is in the details
(Or at least inside my mind)

Death is a slumber
a weary home body
lurking into life just to leave town
Hide your thoughts, your bones
Pleasing thoughts in a corpse-less home
shut the door close the lid
send goodnight kisses to the moon
all settled in, throw the stars from your mind
cough out thirty bucks for the hearse, throw the coffin in too

best friends or enemies they said
funny how rivalries tend to start
with glances cast out like cavalry
so here we stand
opposite sides of the same army
one can't serve two masters
secret spies and fierce faces
two queens fail at leading a kingdom
fighting for a throne was never my desire
in contrast
I can't raise white flags
when you turn on your people
I'll hold my ground, defend it with my life
I'll build new walls out of stone this time
For what am I
if I let those dear to me cross boundaries

smile, darling
I hear cannons in the not so distant future

we take what we deserve
until we can't take it anymore
shockingly, its turned out
my boiling point
is the exact same temperature
as freezing on your thermostat
and according to the laws of thermodynamics,
"I've lost my cool"

Cold is the absence of heat--and you are frost without me

I skim
milk
books
boards on waves
I skin
snakes
organs
knees
on hard floors
I stare
out
blankly
with a straight face
I cry
out
loud
for lost souls

As usual, I am getting over you like a cold

how dare you have the audacity
to ***** me twice over
I am a mountain
don't you dare go around
I stand firm in my decisions
refuse your movements, I don't conform
Once, I lacked the mental capacity for understanding rivers
who flood their own courses
and carve into stone mounts
Predictability. single directions?
never
but to divulge a new creek is all but second nature

You know,
some days I just feel
alone and fat
Today was one of those days.

You're stuck carving paths in mud
with steps that never stick
no shorts under my dress
and headphones in
never checking for cars
I'll brave it
the only chance I'll take on the world
you can be the belle of the ball when you’re there
but every night walk home alone
with make up half on
and a crestfallen face
trading pointy heels for ****** flats
hoping one day people will love you for your dedication
and not your presence
meet faces you can’t name in an hour
and names you hope you’ll never have to face
because I pretend I’m too classy for barefoot and ******
I’ll go to three debates in a night and debate if it was worth it the
whole time

there's a girl with red hair
and vintage red polka dot dresses
she doesn't miss anything
save for the five foot mark
she's a short little firecracker
full of opinions and wit
soft souled
one of those girls with an affinity for quaint little boutiques
with over priced trinkets
(don't even get me started on used book stores)
a grounded free spirit
who buys tea at coffee shops
I couldn't remember her order if I tried
pictures never capture her
moments fill her feed
she holds nothing back
(vulnerability excluded)
toddlers make her laugh more than cute boys
her heroes consist of Ron Paul and Leslie Knope
(can't forget John Mulaney)
car trouble every other day
single handly solos twelve hour road trips
not a moments hesitation
spontaneous and steadfast
drives an hour just for donuts
southern baptist?
heels and tights
more stories than battle scars
titles fill her desk
from poetry pages to presidential plaques
her range is astronomical
no shame in wearing pajama pants
into gas stations or grocery stores
her heart gives itself away
in water color paintings and chocolate chip cookies
no no she can't eat that
"I'm lactose intolerant, remember?"
laughs and eats it anyway
I could sum her up in a sentence, but an encyclopedia is not enough

I toe lines that I probably shouldn't
drawn into the sand
my soles are burning
rubber melts to the ground
on which I stand
stride or step
I cross over
every time.

I want the liquid in the copper pipes
to coat on my body's largest *****
toxic spray to boil my borders
a third degree to marry unto me

Put me on your pedestal
my white knight, saving grace
lead with sinful condemnation
cast out with lustful adoration
but at least if I'm objectified
I would be somebody's prize

with no such warning
Spring hit us like a bar fight
a lot of buildup

A child took a pair of crinkle scissors
to the construction paper horizon
and thus, formed the mountains
that jut out of the earth's crust

opinions are like papers
read and then graded
I'm closest to the people I keep furthest