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kay Mar 2014
I will not be pretty
I will not be quiet
I will not be small and female
I will not be what you expect me to be
I will not be all that is womanly and sweet and feminist
I am angry.
I am angry and I will not stop fighting.
My heart is fire and my soul is iron and my bones are ice and I am angry.
I will not let you decide what makes me who I am.
I am all genders. I am none.
I am not pretty.
I am not quiet.
I am not small.
I will not stop fighting
I will keep yelling
I will scream until my voice breaks and with that and the many like me I will fight again and again
My skin is stone and my hair is coal and my eyes are the waves that break you against the stones and I am angry.
I will not let you decide anyone's fate based on ridiculous ideals
I will **** and fight and kick and scream and I will not fall in love unless I care to
I am angry.
I am not a woman or a man or a human anymore
I am fire and metal and blood and the forces of nature that you cannot quell and my anger will not cease.
I will stay angry until everyone has rights.
I will be angry until women, men and anyone else are all equal.
I will not make myself **** for your enjoyment.
My genitals do not make me a toy.
I am angry.
kay Mar 2014
I'm sick to my stomach because I'm sick in the head
There's no point in breathing when I'd rather be dead
Blood in my veins looks better without
A silent scream instead of a shout
I scar up so nicely, it's artwork you see
And nobody hates me as much I hate me
There are demons inside me who fight for control
I'm tired of trying, it's all so **** droll.
Weapons excite me and pain is my friend
It gets me hot when my arms bend on the wrong end.
I'm messed up and worthless, just leave me be
You deserve better company than someone like me.
My eyes do not sparkle, my hair has no shine
I'm worthless, a nothing, not worth your time.
You're better off with someone else, not me.
kay Mar 2014
You called me the moon and stars
The sun to your sky,
The rainclouds too.

But all I ever wanted was to watch your sky.
I never meant to live in the space between the stars.
kay Feb 2014
This is for you, if you're like me.
For you who always did your best even though it would never be enough.
You who is alive but not happy about it.
You, who despite all odds, has survived.
You who can't remember what being happy was like without the melancholy tinge of real life.
You who finds solace in being alone but who feels guilty not visiting.
You who love body modification not for the artistic benefits but because that pain is allowed.
You who dodges questions about your clothing choices because yes you know it's too warm for a sweater but there are scars you need to hide to feel safe.
You who drew words of anger and pain in your skin with blades.
You who tries to be good, to not want that sweet sting of bloodletting.
You who still, sometimes, fails.
You who wakes up sobbing and doesn't know why.
You who is always to blame.
You whose voice is constantly warped into "I'm sorry".
You who can hear their inner voice screaming "Useless useless useless useless useless" over even the loudest music.
You who can easily watch their friends walk away, because its okay, they're better off.
You who gets headaches;
Stomach pains;
Back problems;
And more but ignores them because you're only worth as much as you can do.
You who believes everyone is beautiful; Except you, you're a one in seven billion chance of not being beautiful.
You who realizes how ridiculous and egotistical you are with sentiments that everything is your fault and you're so worthless.
You who can't stop saying it.
You who hates yourself more than anyone ever could.
You who is scared of being hurt, but hopes for a knife in their back when they walk down a dark street.
You who is perfectly different from everyone else but such a sheep you could puke.
You who is like me
But not.
You who are precious, loved, needed and so worthwhile.
You who are top ******* yourself.
You who I don't know and maybe never will, but who still deserves to be happy.
You who I hope finds your happiness.
kay Feb 2014
I've always loved doing drugs.
I really like it.
Being numb.
I love that.
Not feeling at all,
Instead of feeling everything too much.
All at once.
Angry, happy, sad, tired, scared
All together in nasty brown.
Numb is nothing.
Numb is black, the absence of light.
Of existence.
Everything that brings me closer to nothing is me favorite thing.
Just for darkness, for nothing
I want to drown in the nothing I get when I sleep.
Its beautiful.
My friends think I should be scared of nothing
They are
So many people are scared of the possibility of nothing.
But it's so perfect
So empty and dark and lovely.
I want it to come and take over.
Nothing is so wonderful.
kay Feb 2014
I'm detached.
I know that's not the right word, probably.
But I don't care.
People wish they were like me
"I wish I could stop caring and just be."
Like they can choose
Like I chose.
Like I made the choice to care about what I do.
I care about myself, sort of.
I care that I do not use myself to make life ******* people I love.
But I do not care about
Succeeding
Love
Friendships
Work
Life...
I wish I cared.
I wish I could just
Fall in love with because I care about them so much
But I can't.
I'm selfish.
I want people.
I wish I needed them.
But I only want.
Want is selfish.
Want is having-not-requiring, and I only want.
I'm selfish.
Detached.
That's still not the right word.
kay Feb 2014
I have many secret fears
I'm scared that
My organs are autonomous and are waiting for their chance to leave me
And that
The mountains are alive and are waiting for us to overstep our bounds so they can destroy us and our fragile lives
Or
I will stretch my chest forward too far and the scar from my surgery will split and all my insides will fall out
And
That my dreams really do show the future and it isn't all in my head
And even that
I'll never mature mentally and I'll have to go the way of Peter's lost boys and be killed to keep Neverland secret from the adults
As well as
One day I might wake up and be happy, and have nothing to worry about and just have nothing to do.
I'm so scared of these things
And I don't know why.
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