kay - Hello Poetry

kay Mar 2013

In the dark,soft
Feather-light
Moments before my mind either shuts off like an old game,
With a click
Or becomes more vivid in my impossible dreams, splashing colors where white walls once stood, bare
A soothing float on a petal, swirling in the stream of my thoughts
I find that music helps me to avoid the latter,
Keeping the warm, comforting possible improbables from welling up in my eyes and mind
People and places twisting into threads tied at the middle and ends to each other.
Silence, in these instances, fill me with terror.
Dread, fear,
For impending calamity
For the dreams pooling behind my tonsils
Demanding to be seen and understood
For me to drop this eggshell life
To let all the small joys I work for shatter like cheap wine glasses
And to pursue the unlikely future,
Leave the definite present
And forget the shimmering past.

dreams

kay Mar 2013

Idle Hands

What does the devil want with idle hands?
What makes them
The devil's playthings?
Like tinker toys
For a madman?
Such a strange phrase, really...
What could the devil want of my hands?
Boney, square things that they are
These blocks of bones and nerves I use to type and write
These hand who refuse to learn to fiddle or pick
Who cannot catch nor throw
Who, at every turn, bumble into doorways and people alike
Who cramp, because writing was learned improperly
What use, really, are human hands who listen as well
As Lucifer
The ex-angel
Ex-blessed
The lover of music and delights
When they cannot produce either?
When nothing can be done with them
Why bother?
Why even attempt to control useless things?
It seems silly.
But that's just me.

hands

kay Mar 2013

Longing, Probably.

Longing, probably.
A feeling of need.
For things.
Places.
Longing, such a melodramatic word
Disgusting.
Dreams described as something so weak.
Almost rude
Saying these feelings, these needs
Are little more than a flight of fancy.
A lusting from a pubescent teen boy
Over some pin-up model.
Longing, needing, wanting...
I mean, ******, I NEED THESE THINGS is all
All that my ever-noisy mind screams
"I've seen your drawings.
"Your mind must be like an acid trip."
Not a good one.
Constant, consistent, ever-present, complete need for
Stupid, useless things
For people who give not a care in the world about me
Places that don't want me...
An acid trip, a bad one, dark voices yelling at me,
My guilt full of egotistical self-blame.
"Everything has to be someone's fault.
"Always.
"It must be mine."
My fault, my fault, mine mine mine
Always always my fault.
Stupid stupid
I can't even get things wrong right.
Or whatever.
******.
Longing for understanding,
To understand my inner desires.
For things.
The rude word of longing
Tainting even the shameful wants and needs in my heart.
Stupid...

longing and neediness

kay Dec 2012

Winter's End

Wake me when spring has sprung
when the cold is gone,
and skies no longer gray.
Rouse me with the cries of birds
a warm wind blown my way
and a green light in the shade.
Dress me in the blooming buds,
Let butterflies be my lips,
And raindrops as my eyes.
Replace my heart with a shining star
And fill my head with a soft white cloud.
Drip the shine of morning in my veins
And I'll have the fresh green grass for my hair.
Take my bones for branches.
Make my tears have a honey-suckle taste.
My breath would be the pollen sifting through the air.
Take me from my sleeping ground
And lay me in the fresh cold stream.
Wake me when spring is sprung,
But until then, I'm going to sleep.

kay May 2012

Emptiness

People are all born empty
Hollow shells
Of what they wish to be.
They skulk
Walking with thier heads down
Daydreaming of being whole
They fill themselves
With things
Religion
Drugs and alcohol
Friends
Other people
Trying with all they are to feel whole
Real.
"If I get that new tv I'll be fine"
or
"I know MY God is right and that makes me complete"
sometimes
"If this makes me happy, I can handle the side effects"
and
"When they love me, If I have them, I can be happy"

kay May 2012

Springtime

Wake me when spring has sprung
when the cold is gone,
and skies no longer gray.
Rouse me with the cries of birds
a warm wind blown my way
and a green light in the shade.
Dress me in the blooming buds,
Let butterflies be my lips,
And raindrops as my eyes.
Replace my heart with a shining star
And fill my head with a soft white cloud.
Drip the shine of morning in my veins
And I'll have the fresh green grass for my hair.
Take my bones for branches.
Make my tears have a honey-suckle taste.
My breath would be the pollen sifting through the air.
Take me from my sleeping ground
And lay me in the fresh cold stream.
Wake me when sping is sprung,
But until then, I'm going to sleep.

kay May 2012

A Wanton Desire

I want you.
I want to hold you.
Touch you.
I want to feel your heart beating.
I want to catch your tears,
and your colds.
I want to claim you.
I want to caress you.
I want to study the very fiber of your being.
I need you.
Your sarcasm, the way you laugh when you get lost
and the fear I see you lock inside.
All of that and more.
To see you come home late and ask
"What happened?"
To fight.
I want you to say that
You hate me.
When you wake up shaking and crying from a dream
I want to ease your heart
With a kiss.
I want to destroy you.
I want to make you fall for me so thoroughly you become a shell without me.
Then, I would reverse it.
You would laugh at my bad jokes.
And cry at my dumb stories.
You would touch my hand
And walk out the door.
I want to find you asleep after waiting up for me and wrap you in a blanket.
And tell you I'm sorry.
I want to make you love me.
Like I want to love you.
If I loved you, you would still feel pain
You would cry,
You would hate
and be hated.
If I loved you, the tests would be bad
The tears would come
And you would want to never breathe again.
But if I loved you,
I would share your pain
I would cry with you,
I would hate the world that hated you.
We would fight for each-other
Together
When I whispered your name, you would
Smile, and I'd see the words floating
In your eyes
"I love you, so much."
Perfect