Katlyn Orthman

Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013

I want to love you
But I can't
Your my best friend
And though we call ourselves
Boyfriend, and Girlfriend
I don't feel it
I love you
But I'm not in love with you
It was out of angry emotion
I acted rash
I should've known
I'd be the one to crash
But when I see her
My heart beats
Inside I feel complete
Yet she's out of my reach
And I've pledged myself to you both
But it's time I say goodbye
I don't know why
But I can't be in love with you
And I cry
Because I try
Because I feel so wrong
Like a bad ending to a song
I don't know how to say goodbye
I don't know how to give up
I've been a failure all my life
But this seems to leave me torn
My depression leaves me worn
I haven't slept in three days
I've been thinking
Of you
And how I wish you'd leave
It's easier that way
If you don't stay
I should be alone
Like always
Always alone

Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013

Nothing

I've asked myself
while looking in my own eyes,
Who am I?
I can't untangle this mess
Of things I'm supposed to be
The things that make up "me"
I keep waiting for it to all make sense
For me to know what I'm doing
But the truth is,
I couldn't be more lost
Following a faint trail of what's supposed to be right
And I'm confused
But never asking for help
In fear I'd come off weak
And though the tears push at my eyes
Begging for me to let go
I hold them in and squeeze my hands tighter
Because I can only cry alone in the dark
I'm overruled by this overbearing feeling that
I have to morph myself into a lie
Hiding behind a phantom
Only a ghost of what I really am
What ever that is
I haven't figured it out
Maybe I never will
I can only hope that I will find the will
To go on when the lights go out

Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013

Untitled

I miss you, do you miss me too?
I miss the you I knew
Now your just a memory
That I wish I could see
A phantom that used to be reality
The thought to curve my mentality
I miss you, do you miss me too?
I miss the you I knew

Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013

Untitled

I've been away for so long
That I had forgotten how it feels
To sit with family all around
And cook family meals
The laughter the smiles
All pick me up
It's been awhile
But I still love the way it feels
Though its cold out
We still dare throw water
And we know we might catch colds
As we fight in only shirts in the snow
But we live in the present
And forget the consequences
Because everything is easier that way

Been a long time since I've seen my extended family in Wisconsin

Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013

Being Human

The skies are dark
And my heart is sad
My screams echo
And only make the neighbors mad
My tears mean nothing
The never did
Slowly they unravel
My feeling I hid
I am bare
Before the crowd
This pain won't cease
And the roars are loud
I'm falling faster
Than I have before
I pray you save me
Before they seal the doors
Can you hear me?
I'm screaming loud
Can you hear me?
Above the crowd?
Please I lay here
Unshakle me
I'm dying slowly
As you watch me bleed
I'm not a monster
Though I feel I am
Because any things better
Than being human

Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013

Star Blanketed Porch Light

The stars are prettiest
From the spot on the porch
The one that looks out at the snow covered tress
The light above the door
Swings in the Wisconsin breeze
Silent and cool
I sit in nothing but my grandpas oversized sweat shirt draped over my shoulders
It smells of whiskey and cigarettes
But for some reason I close my eyes
And draw in a deep breath
The door creaks open
And a rough ragged voice calls my name
Asking me if I was going to stargaze like a love struck ***** all night
Only a little longer
Tell my heart feels somber
And I can get on my feet again
I say smiling

Katlyn Orthman Mar 2013

Untitled

Spiraling
Sinking
It seems all I do is fall
The ground is so shaky
Can't keep my balance
Pulling apart my heart
It's split in two ways
Walk away from the pain
Thinking that would keep me sane
But it just gets deeper
Spreading like infection
Doing everything that I can do
To stop from feeling
Yeah I'm falling a little harder than before
I can only break so many times
Before I'm unfixable
There's a split in the road
Don't know which way to go
So I've been sitting here drawing straws
But each straw is the same