now we are
where we were
where we always should have been

we've come back here
to try again
to be now who we were then

I'm not going anywhere
my time with him is cemented and fluid in my mind
it runs through my veins and steins my every thought

wake up to the sound of your fleeting heart
and all the bands you show me and books you recommend, they reserve a special folder in my thoughts and in my soul
and even the things that are mine-the things I share with you-they are no longer completely mine
the smell of you lingers on these things that once defined me

where am I gonna land if I fall for you?
I think it's been happening and I was too scared to admit it.  Because these things are so fragile and if I say it out loud maybe it will evaporate like warm air on cool Maine mornings and the cool will be too much for words so soft.  And once they turn into silvery swirls of reality-I will only catch a glimpse that they were real after all and they would be gone permanently

like a river flows surely to the sea
I know this life is flowing
and I know many things we must find peace with
I know often times the river forces us along and we must let go of things never meant to be
But I'm not ready to let you go
and I'm ready to fight the current
but I'm secretly hoping it's pulling for us

can I be close to you
and for everything that night was, for all the beautiful moments we shared, my favorite was lying there because I could hear your heartbeat and it was racing.  For the first time ever you weren't composed or mysterious or unknown. For the first time ever you were exposed and raw and I could see it in everything about you...you were scared too.

moonlight through the pines
so when I come back this time I just need to remember your smile and I am comforted because when I think of you smiling, I am reminded that I am coming home.

of all the people I'd hoped it'd be you*
and so the two of us laid there and tried to figure out how to be one.
I fell asleep to the sweet melodies that had promised me you so many times.  And everything was perfect because I woke up to the last song on the album which was my favorite.  I thought I would wander back into the beautiful sleep that had only just recently relinquished me from its soft and consuming grasp.  But then you did what you do.  You turned and kissed me.  And it was a goodnight kiss.  But it wasn't a goodbye kiss.

You’re not finished here so don’t you dare
Treat yourself with such poor care
You are still beautiful and you have worth
You’re scared of the things that no longer hurt

Your past battles haunt you relentlessly
I can here them whispering when you are near to me
I fill your ears with words of new
And calm and pure, and wise and true
I fill your hands with mine to hold
In case one day you find loneliness growing old
I fill your head with thoughts of tomorrow
I fill your lungs with laughter-I empty your eyes of sorrow

But when we go our separate ways
I fear the fog, I fear the haze
That eats you whole and clouds your view
Of all the things you’re capable to do
Everything gets heavy and everything seems out of grasp
And I can feel you quitting-your breathing turn to gasps

I pour these things from me to you
And hope they will suffice
Until you learn to do it for yourself
Until you learn to treat yourself right

These are the words that I scream into my pillow
The ones that sink in the back of my throat
They boil and melt and escape my body in tears

This is the frustration
The gripping, grasping, clinging thing
This is why I breathe in through my nose and out through my mouth when I run or climb or crunch and sweat

This is what keeps me up and when sleep does find me
This is what wakes me in the middle of the night

The things I should do but don’t
The things I should say but can’t
The things that I ought to understand but fear I never will

They are constantly gaining on me and sometimes
They catch me

the night recedes and so enables the day

    push and pull: the struggle that creates the fabric
       the fabric that sifts through the liquid moments
          the moments that remain over time

               the people that change the mind
                the mind that changes the thoughts
               the thoughts that change the one

       the water roars toward the shore, swift and strong
    the water glides back to its mass, apologetic and sullen

the day recedes and so enables the night

Lying there I've never been more filled with words
Words that mostly formed questions
But I didn't want to soil the moment in questions that would inevitably surface answers
The ceiling whirled with specks of light; stars
And they beckoned us to lie beneath them in the murmur of our breathing and heartbeats
And the stars sat in the absence of words with us

I'm still shaking
like I did in the field
and at the gazebo
and in the first few seconds when I get in your car
when the cold air is still so desperate to seep below our surface
and lately I've been thinking
I won't ever stop shaking
from this unique and horrible cold
-this cool reminder that you are so far from me