I felt it in my bones that night
The pangs to run away
The chirping birds, at 5 am
They begged me not to stay
So starry-eyed, so heavy-tongued
So trapped within my head
I’d fought and flailed and torn my sheets
Set fire to my bed
My frenzied heart is leaping flames
Too hot to keep inside
I packed my bags alone that night
As cold as if I’d died
How did I even find this place?
My discipline was stern
I lost myself in wild touch
Dumb Girl, you’ll never learn
Frenetic and delirious
Thank God, the road is long
When I am miles away from here
You’ll tell me I was wrong
You’ll tell me to spit out my words
When mouth and throat are dry
Demand I clip my claws and wings
When I was meant to fly
I feel so small here, feel like I
Can hardly fill my lungs
Lassoed by the circles danced out
By our weary tongues
I’d stood like Aphrodite once
Before you, proud and bare
But now I’m mortal once again
I fear my heart will tear
I cried myself so worthless
And I tired of the sound
Exhaustion sapping all my strength
Stuck, muted, on the ground
My feet are itching yet to trace
The highway’s wandering curve
Don’t call me back, don’t yell my name
I swear I’ll lose my nerve
I’m fraying and I’m scattered
And I’m running, sprinting blind
I don’t want to face this darkness
And I don’t care what I find

The city would have certainly swallowed me
To it, I was
Nothing
An insignificant girl pacing among the skyscrapers
Clack clack clack
Just another percussive layer to the cacophony of thousands
So I rushed home
Childlike
Hid among my sheets lest I was lost in the din
I wanted to be no one and
Everyone
At once
And I could feel the fraying of all my edges
As dissonance picked me apart
Went over each bone, one by one
Pulled sinew from skin from bleeding vessel
And asked me why I had done this to myself

I had done this to myself

Each firing neuron mocked me
Reminded me that there was no solace
In big spaces
Just tiny rooms made tinier by clutter
And percussive feelings
Clack clack clack
Through my skull, round and round
An infinite loop that I can’t break
All because I let myself fall
I should have never
I should have never
I should have never

If you’ve ever hydroplaned
You’ve felt the wild slide of wheels leaving pavement
While your heart’s in your throat as you wonder
If you’ll land calmly on the other side
Or go careening into a tree

It is this feeling that has gripped me since I fell for you
And my life has been a blur of racing heart
Uncertain how to maintain self
While tumbling chaotically through partnership
Terrifyingly exposed
Bewildered and aching
Because loving is so much

I will offer everything I am
And spin out of control
But I don’t know what comes after
Or after
Or after

It's a strange thing to wage war
In the space between consciousness
And eyelids
Fingertips fluttering over light-switch trigger
As the endless tic-tic-ticking of the wall clock
Inches ever closer to dawn

Night time has always been the worst

As the drowsy city slows down
My heart speeds faster still
Dodging anxious shrapnel as I lie
Sleepless
Swallowed by the restless thoughts
Whose assault I can no longer resist

Maybe it’s naïve of me
To be lying here
Humming these catchy riffs,
Ribcage splayed wide open,
The offer obvious for anyone with hands:
Take what you want,
I won’t stop you,
Heat and heart and soul and all
Are fair.
It’s 1 am,
Then 4 am.
Time streams past in ways I can’t catch
Because I was too busy studying you.

I have wondered if you’ll break me,
Unwalled and unexpected
Unfettered delirium.
But it’s no matter;
Even if I crash come daybreak,
It was all worth the rush.

I am champagne bubbles
And fairy wings
And confetti sprinkles
And heart-thudding bass
And dizzy melody
And all the shining city lights that show you the
Way home

I am all these things
And every floating, giddy thought
15 again
For the first time in forever
Painting glitter on every horizon
Because I can't contain the smiles on my lips

I thought I had seen my future
Saw nothing stretched out before me
But a never-ending monotone of lukewarm
Indifference
All passion flung away from me
For fear of feeling the
Mediocrity
I'd accepted

There was no fire there
There was no shine there
There was barely anything I'd want to call
Life
There
And something softly whispered to me
"You'll never be happy
In this unremarkable place."

I'm still reeling from the shock
Of waking up
Of finding myself with heart pounding
Breath catching
Eyes wide open
Giddy with the swooping butterflies of new beginnings

I'm still reeling from the realization
That I started over
Took a brazen leap away from boredom
And landed in all the sensations I was sure had
Abandoned me

They weren't gone, after all
Just waiting for the right wake-up call

Sitting here
Face tingling
Fingertips dancing across brighter days
I've been wondering how I ever entertained the thought
Of an eternity that was anything less than
Thrilling