I have wearied of grand romances
Of deep sighs and swooning trances
Of doting gentlemen’s advances
And all manner of courtship play
I am tired of love confessions
And of dizzied, dazed professions
And of unrestrained obsessions
I grow sicker day by day

I once dreamed of adoration
Went quite mad for veneration
Laughing, flirting with temptation
The queen in Camelot
The lonely, lovely Guinevere
Dainty-masked with girlish fear
But when King Arthur wasn’t near
Dreaming of Sir Lancelot

These days I want no noble knight
Despite my seeming helpless plight
I wish to set myself aright
And tread upon the ground
Yet here I am, pedestal-high
Too close to the dazzling sky
As my life keeps passing by
And boys keep running round

I’ve let myself grow much too proud
Drew up arrogance from the crowd
Heard the cheering, bright and loud
The queen in Camelot
And though I had my faithful Sir
Still my heart was all astir
With flying fancies, all a blur
For Guinevere and Lancelot

These fantasies have grown too old
I’d rather let my bed grow cold
For I have wearied of being told
“You are mine to keep”
Men have tired me to the core
Left me sad and sick and sore
And have turned into such a chore
And I’d much rather sleep

What blasphemy for a maiden fair
To toss such doting to the air
To turn away without much care
Though queen in Camelot
But I have withered, I have tired
Felt as if my brain’s been mired
And find not Arthur much desired
Nor dashing Lancelot

Is it so bad to want respite
From endless longing, day and night?
This constant charm becomes too trite
With ever staler tone
I only wish to rest a while
Recover from incessant guile
Forget the weight of lovers’ trial
And simply be alone

The world is forgetting how to be gentle
Full of splintered, broken souls
Razor people with razor tongues
And steel through every nerve
They’ve scrawled hatred across the cities
Across the sea and sky and stars
Raised crass and careless Ignorance on a pedestal
And laid laurels on its head

Everyone is watching
Yet no one seems to mourn
Seeking solace in endless bottles
In capsules and gains and blood-debts
Somehow still surprised at the empty world
That cuts at every turn

Us soft-folk
We are bruising
But we are warm in this freezing world

It is a construction crew in your skull
A total cacophony
Noise and dust and pounding
And all you want to do is close your eyes against the world
And sink into soft darkness
Yet your eyes are forced open
Light pouring in at every instant
Searing your retinas until there’s smoke pouring out of your ears
It is sickness
It is madness
It is thrashing for a surface that never gets any closer
It is falling towards a ground that never hits you
It is hurtling towards a supernova and hoping to burn up
Because the heat’s been on you for so long
That combustion would be sweet relief
You've been pounding your head on emptiness
And walked away with nothing but a headache
You've been searching through the rubble
To find the tiniest thing to make you smile
But dust will dull even the brightest shine
And you are too weary to wipe it off

It’s like when you’re little
And you notice yourself breathing
And wonder if you’ve been breathing this whole time
Or if it only happens when you think about it
Well, I’ve been thinking much too hard for a long time
So hard that I didn’t notice
The world forming a routine around me
And my unconscious willingness to fall in line

The girl who shunned the lemmings
Followed the crowd all the same

I considered myself a product of anxiety
Not a victim
Not a survivor
But the result of
Someone who thrived on frenetic energy
As worries danced out a stuttering tachycardia

This is the life I was given
Though I prayed for days of calm
Prayed for the safety of routine and predictability
And the comfort they would hold
For I am afraid of nearly everything
So I have been wishing for days without fear
Bowed my head under the Heavens and cried in all the languages I have
Peace, paix, ειρηνη

It was in the pursuit of peace
That I blindly accepted all offers of security
Built myself up with grades and responsibilities and qualifications
With the assurance it would be worth it in the long run
Suddenly I saw the boredom I had asked for
And felt no relief
No comfort
Just the paralyzing fear that I’d settled for a life I did not want

My trembling limbs were made for anxiety
But I’ve been bingeing it
So the lack thereof is just
Empty
It would seem I am addicted to frenzy
Though I always want out
A pendulum between the extremes
Never resting on moderation
Never resting
Period

Most people look like they wouldn’t survive a storm.
They are flimsy,
Full of half-truths and half-meanings,
Half-substance that will surely wash away in a good downpour.

I am always spilling raindrops,
Thus I am dangerous to the masses.

It was snowing the night I felt myself
Slipping
And looking at you truly for the first time—
Not a blizzard,
Just a gentle dusting,
Flakes drifting lazily in the excitable wind—
And I assumed that you,
Like everyone else,
Were just dazzled by dreamlike sparkle,
But would flee when the real storm came.
Your presence was a comfort,
So for weeks I played weatherman,
Tried to hold back inclement weather
Lest I wake to find you gone.

But Nature is inevitable,
So I found hurricanes for days.

I’d been painting
Love
On my lips since pre-school,
But you were the first to press it there
And make it stick.
You were the first to see the storm gathering
And stay until the clouds cleared,
Though my ears were mad with thunder
And my limbs were sparking lightning
And all my world was dark and cloud and sheets of pouring rain.

Slick with raindrops,
You pushed the bangs out of my eyes
And said that all was well.

I have sat too long with stars in my eyes
With hopes of staving off the darkness
And yet I found myself one day
Surrounded
Pressed on all sides by a void
That was heavy with emptiness

I wondered how nothing could have such weight
How silence could pound on my eardrums with frantic insistence
Like a two-year-old in a temper tantrum
Out of control and impossible to ignore
As I sat blinking the spots from my vision

I had wanted calm
And instead I found more anxieties
Monsters lurking in my peripherals and the quiet of the night
Worries that stood waiting to ****** me the moment I was alone
I am easy prey
And I was soon caught and bound
Tethered to my bedpost when all I wanted was to run

I never bothered resisting my capture
I never bothered trying to escape
I sat staring out my window
Wondering what normal people do and how they seem to smile
How they find the stamina to survive rainy days
While I droop like a neglected daisy
Unable to stand up and face the morning
When my brightness has been forgotten and allowed to fade

I have been bending
And bending
And bending
And my spine has begun to protest
My vertebrae have grown to resent this inflexible pushing
Starry-eyed, I prayed for compromise
And thought I heard it whisper in the darkness
Only to be let down when I realized it was my own voice
Whispering
Supplying the sounds I wanted
Trying to fill the emptiness with something lighter weight

I’ve been playing perfect princess
Glittered-up to keep them guessing
Breaking my back and sweating daily
To build a throne to lord it over

I was thinking, on a pedestal
Life would never let me down

They said petulance would be my undoing
Jealousy my unraveling
And unrelenting childishness the block that toppled the tower

I fell hard one day and wondered
If it was really worth the work

I’ve been losing myself in pieces
Bits of fluff that swiftly scattered
Torn away by city wind tunnels
And the terror of disappointment

All I have left are sticky feelings
The worst bits that wouldn’t stray

This city has me restless
Turning circles in my bedroom
Wishing for a different skyline, different season, different shore

If I weren’t averse to running
I’d be miles away by now

Yet the pavement has been calling
Has been tempting me to sprinting
Flying down an empty highway
With the hope of something more

Same old same old has me snapping
Lashing out at all I know

I’ve become uneven compromise
Tried to spare myself the conflict
But ended up too vexed to enjoy things either way

I’ve been dreaming, still, of running
Though I’m scared of what I’d find