I'm empty
So I look to my finger tips
To scavenge the internet
Looking for meaning
Or emotional leaning
I've never really found it
Whatever it is I search for
But I keep coming back
Despite my record of regret

I am a body of discontentment
Arms and legs of regret
Fingers of lies
A face of deceit
A torso of promised potential
All the parts together
Make up my human shape

Yesterday someone asked me if I really want to live.
I said yes but,
it's not that simple.
I want the beautiful things
and I see them.

But I feel a disproportionate amount of pain,
as trivial as it may be,
I feel it so intensely.
I've seen death.
I know it intimately.
Yet small things still get to me.

Did I forget the blessings?
The miracle of lungs filling with air
and a steady heart beat.
The joy of a vessel to hold me.
Yet all I can do is outrun the pain.
Are my blessings are given in vain.

Now I've created a situation
Where I can't live a double life
I cornered myself
With a devastating confession
Now I am a wild animal
Observed and charted
From an inherent distance
Solitary by nature
And beaten by natural law

Do I belong in hospitals?
While I keep digging my own grave.
And I guess while I'm at it,
a mote to keep loved ones away.
My comfort and my misery,
why must they be one in the same?

There is a savage inside me
To ravish just everything
That could be held sacred or near
It both is me and destroys me
A parasite I created
Now my savior is poisonous
And it's something I won't drink
Because the way it will  change me
Reinvent my form and structure
All before the thing will rupture

I have feelings, like everyone else.
But when they are contained in me, they wreak havoc on my very bones.
How different must I be. If everyone else can maintain them.  
While I fight and disdain them.

Harmless, they tell me. Thoughts are just thoughts.
I give them power when I let them talk.
But like it or not they are very convincing.
And I am weak against temptation.