I reach for my lover
An ache to share my despair
Depression knocks and wont leave
An echo that emphasizes the nothingness
Alone i was born
Destined to walk alone
Empty handed
Alone i shall die
No one will moarn only miss the helping hand
Why did God choose this fight for me
Broken beyond repair
Lost for all eternity
To wander the desolate land

In my fantasy i have a family
In my dreams i have a home
Reality my cruelest master
I have become a slave to this pain
Feeding it and off it
A twisted cycle of pretence
A false identity of born free and free will
Truth
i have become so used to this self torture
I am addicted

Every moment my eyes are open
I am reminded by them how flawed i am
They list all my imperfections
I avoid mirrors
Mirrors speak so hard and unkind to me
It drowns out all the other voices
I tell myself its not true
Stay strong
You are beautifull
You are loved
You are an amazing person
People are lucky to know you
But in my heart i know its not true
In my heart lives a scared little girl
She never got the change to become great
She learned how to survive abuse
How to brake herself with critical words
That the mirror hurts more
Now, in her room, my heart
She sits and cry
Tearing the wall paper
My voice her only solace
It is okay
Dont fear
I am here
I got you
The comfert i bring her
Yes, short lived
But all i have
All she has

when alone in thought
my mind wonders to a familiar thought
a fantasy created to boost the self
there i am the ******
strong
phenomenal
witty
beautifull
courages
supported
like­d and loved
respected
a leader
a mother
a wife
a daughter in law
everything in real i will never be and have
my empty reality
brakes me to the core
with great difficulty and emphasis , i smile
to convince myself and others i am truly happy
people look at me and see blessings
i wish i could look at myself
at least
and smile
it is okay, i got you
my own voice echos in my ears
my own voice has to be my strenght
why did God decide to give me a lonely path
a lonely life
a lonely mountain
the cold, the silence, the ache in my soul
it is slowly consuming me until nothing is left
nothing except these words
they speak of a battle once fought for the light
a battle lost to despair
these word is all i have

Its over
My dreams know
Inside i know
It still hurts
The why lives unanswered
From experience
The dust will settle
I will be stronger and wiser
I will live more guarded
This i know
Each time i brake
The pieces dont fit nicely again
But rearranged they do fit
I, differant stronger queen emerges
A small fire of hope survives
A worthy kning will come
If only in my dreams

Healing from pain
Is easy
The hard
Not measuring others by this
Allowing each new person to bloom
In there season in your life
Only by complete forgiveness time and forgetfullness
Can this happen?
How to get there?
How to heal a lifelong insecurity and abuse
Yes they used me and then discarded
Yes they lied and betrayad me
Yes they healed but abandoned me
Yes they devalued me to fit in there box
Yes i was left to not return

This person is totally not them
I need to stop comparing him to them
Change my deep ingrained selfdestructive
Yet self preservative thinking
My only hope
The voice wispers but what if your feelings are wrong

When the time comes
Will you be there my love
To hold my hand
And speak words of encouragement
To watch over me
Afraid something will happen
To pray for my recovery
The thought of life without me
Rock bottom life crippling fear
Will my dear one be present

Or will i be at the mercy of strangers
Family i have not
Close friends, yes
But they always return to there own lives
I am merely a pit stop

Left with only memories
Broken dreams
Shatterd wishes
Will only they visit when the time comes

a pizza after work to watch the sunset
going to the beach to feel the ocean and sand play with my feet
star gazing with moonlit walks over icy grass
a small gift just because

precious insignificant moments
there echo feed and strengthen me
i knew them once
i long to live them again