monsters are created not born
each life event that shapes us
heartache, humiliation, pain, tears , sorrow
these combined with loneliness, abandonment
allow monsters to breed , multiply and strife
by the time you realize its to late
each morning i rise
tired from battle
a loosing fight
only extending the inevitable death blow
why i don't know
born stubborn
my undoing
few drops of hope
i thought i destroyed it
faith for a better future
a future that will never come
destined for pain and grief
STOP
embrace the inescapable truth
my monsters have won

forced to live with myself
the greatest punishment
everyday is a burden, a constant struggle
lately i've been asking
what is the struggle about
the more i do the more it hurts
solution STOP
stop struggling and smile for the last
don't panic under water
relax and drown
the weight will carry us to dark depths of water
no-one will ever know or care
no flowers no grave

stages of grieve what *******
true loss, grief never leaves
it latches onto your shadow
follows you
engulfing you
evolving, constantly shrinking and growing
but never leaving
taunting you
until you brake
grief laughs triumphantly
heartache rides in on a pale horse
powerless i watch
numb i only exist
for brief moments in life i smile
not laugh, smile
even a forced laugh
speak words hearts only hear

living alone
something broke
i find pleasure creating self destructive drama
and of course i play the lead
the lone crusader
always misunderstood
always left behind and forgotten
i am so sick of myself
wish i could just reboot
or better delete
home planet will be better of without the drama
my inner sanctuary permanent ruin
silly girl
allow entry to the devil dressed grant
most days i exist switched off
breathing, thinking switched off
i have mostly given up on living
sad but true
the self destructive drama have taken no victim
just claimed its price

these imperfect perfect sinners
lift and carry me
unknowingly
they rescue me
all they do is exist
laugh with me
make jokes with me
share there lives with me
the joy and the little pain
me, yet to stop being ashamed of my pain
cowboys dont cry
raised tough
to cry is weakness
to brake or fail is unacceptable
these unresolved moments
back braking weight i have to carry
a lie told so often it became truth
time to destroy all truths born from lies
the endless struggle
generation to generation
all one goal
truth, reality, to be allowed to be
breaking free of the restraints
last night my demons won
this morning from the ashes rose ME
helped by God, faith and my friends
sempi fi

forgiveness comes easy after atonement
but lack of remorse, reason or atonement
infuriates the bones of the victim
forced to revisit the humiliation , powerlessness , agony and grief
true for victim and victor
we all carry a piece of heaven
it conflicts us
we can ignore
but death brings reality not enlightenment
time the oldest propaganda created to enprison
we believe there is time
endless time to atone
finally face to face with the pain caused and ignored
the monster created through pride

memories the root of pain
when created cause joy or sorrow
when envisioned an illusive dream
when relived give life to our demons
demons that torment and brake us
till embracing them is normal
memories should be lived then erased
each day anew
a blank book
monsters are made from repeat pain through memories
pain that lingers long after the scabs are gone

we all  carry a bucket of grace
to be handed out
more so when conflicted to proof loyalty and appreciation
i tell my heart to keep the course
being crushed by circumstance
blood seeping through my ribs
agony over unanswered prayers
internally plotting revenge
conflicting thought with my teaching
a bucket of grace exchanged for a sea of tears