god always answers prayers not always in the time or package that fit into our lives but that is not his objective as Lord and God. it is to mentor and shape us into graceful beauty that overflows with love and joy which ignites a flame so infectious the dark has no choice, but to cede and surrender. his presence is that overwhelming and powerful but he wins with love and uses all that might to protect his children. he is the definition of love, amen.

even on a good day do i feel that i am lacking in others eye's and no matter how i try to reshape myself or add or detract i am never enough. i try and treat people as i which to be treated admittedly not always succeeding but i put in the time and effort. yet i am always left behind. never picked for a summer street game. never invited to events. never part of the social light. i try to just be me and be. but even this cause my heart to tare due to even more mirrors braking.
in the end im left in the dark wondering how come i am willing to forgive and give second chances but non are afforded to me, no understanding or empathy is shown.
and then they call me names

finally i have found what i have lost some three plus years back that indestructible bold unpolished teenage spirit that experienced knew things every single day unknowingly challenging the envelope, and it never broke, but molded and bended to all the magic my mind could conjure up. i stood on the cuff of my future and leaped forward not seeing the staircase but through faith and i flew. i made the mistake of coming down because i missed the misinterpreted notion of belonging to a pride. see when an eagle is raised by ground based eagles who believe themselves to be chickens its difficult to comprehend the new found freedom of the sky it is over whelming and i gave it up, unknowingly.
ever since, i could feel the gnawing emptiness in my soul. the wild wanting to fly and never feel the  conforms of society again. i have been busy with chicken for too long. selling my gracefulness on the cheap.

i may be to late or just in time, but i will arrive to help you pick up the pieces and i will hold them in my hands till you need them or want them back. when you need i will help piece them together and support each piece until the glue sets in. i am anything but polite and political correct, i love to analise and rethink things a million times, and some but i will always be a loyal friend only seperated by your verbal desire to release me from this promise.
even after the loss of friendship i will still bestow the highest form of love unto you: forgiveness over and over again.

in you child of 9 i see my unconquered vices , demons, wars, battles and countless insecurities i carry with from a fiery adolescence into uncertain despised adulthood. i desire to forget my baggage at the terminal but somehow my baggage always find my door. this is not a life i wish upon you. if possible i would cast your pure and innocents in an unbreakable cast to last you a life time and then some.
once i wore your shoes. they fitted me perfectly and i loved them, but i could not stay in them for urgent was the call for me to mature beyond my age. the war trumpets blew and off i went to a war i could not comprehend,. never realizing possession of my soul was the prize.

i would trade my victories for your uncertain battles for my armor has seen the worst and the best of days, you still don't have one, but it not either of our decision to make all i can do is watch and pray and hope and pour my heart into faith that in the end you will be ohk

it has always baffled me across age and time how parents can sacrifice there children happiness on the altar of love to protect there own self centered ego. to protect there ideal ideology of themselves. God help anyone that dare to scratch that image for hell had no fury than a content-less character being unveiled as a fraud. God gives gifts called children for reasons known to him alone this does not excuse anyone from honoring this decision after all we call our selves Christians translated into followers of Christ who loved and honored his father. instead there is endless failures fueled by incapacity to accept and love without agenda's. not love believed but love experienced one rain drop into a bucket meant to over flow.

use to be only quiet moments
but now its boils to the surface of moments in general
the sheer intensity scares me
the longing grows with each tear i do not shed
yet shedding brings temporary relieve
i cannot desire constant relieve for it means forgetting
an action not possible
even if no memory exist it will remain known
like a rose covered by dirt
invisible but present and always gorgeous
i miss her strength
her kindness
her mother heart who always knew when her youngin was lost and could find a wanderer even if in the black of cold
i miss the woman who raised me
i called her mother once
a title she earned through dedication and love proving worthy of the honor