So often I feel as though I am seen as summer rain,
someone who does nothing but
nourishes thirsty flowers in dry soil,
precious and beautiful and unable to do any wrong

when in reality, there are unseen, hidden parts of me
and secrets I’ve only been brave enough
to whisper to a few, bits of my past
that are journal pages ripped up
and swept underneath my bed

And you are my deepest secret

I took advantage of how you felt for me
and I made you feel like you
were dirt, contaminating me because
I was innocent and perfect and could do no wrong,
but that was a lie I tried to make you believe,
because I had convinced myself
it was true, for so long

I hate that I hurt you

And I hate that I will never
be able to take that back

I cannot stand the thought of you
walking around today, or years from now
thinking of me as a mistake, a waste of time,
a thunderstorm who did nothing but uproot
such special feelings only to
destroy you in your vulnerability

But I pray you don’t think of me at all,
and that you’ve forgotten me

because I cannot stand to think
you’re out there, somewhere
remembering me as someone
who broke you.

it’s strange to think
you will only remember me
as the person i was with you

you’ll never learn of my new habits,
nor will i ever come to know yours
i won’t get to watch you grow,
see you become strong,
hear about all of your new
adventures and revelations

no, i am only left
with who you were

we’re both frozen in time
in each others’ memories

here i am
sitting at my typewriter
as tears trickle down my cheeks
and i can hardly breathe
because i know it’s over
and that this isn’t just another
false ending
it’s really, truly over
and i hate that you had to hear my voice quiver
i just pray you’ll be happy
and that everything will work out for you
in the end
you are so special
you are so special
you are so special
i will miss you forever
but i don’t doubt that i’ll see you again
in that distant place
i know that all will be well
and we won’t think of the pain
or the hurt
or the fights
or the tears
we’ll just be thankful for all the goodness
that came from two hearts
being so vulnerable with each other
everything will be okay
i’ll be okay
please do not worry
you are good
i don’t blame you
i know i’ll be okay
i just wish i could’ve been okay
with you
this hurts so much
but it won’t hurt forever

goodbye

p.s. i forgive you

You tell me that I'm needed,
That there's something I don't see.
But I'm scared to let you see it,
This thing inside of me.

I'm not alright,
You should know this by now.
Because I'm hurt,
And I am broken,
Don't make me tell you how.

You tell me that you know me,
That I have that 'certain spark'.
But the only thing you'll get from me,
Is a twisted and broken heart.

What have we done?*
One minute we're inseparable and the next we're at war.
               Back and forth.
                                  Round and round.
                                                  I can't keep up anymore.

Both of us carry baggage.
Both of us have scars.

We're so different from what we used to be.
Time sure changes everything.

The cage that we locked ourselves in was shrinking.
                 We needed to be set free.
                                  We needed to spread our wings and fly.

Our broken souls weren't meant to be held back.
But maybe our rough and jagged edges are supposed to fit together.
Or maybe we're like two puzzle pieces that don't connect.

Maybe we'll never really know.

But there's one thing I do know.

When we were bound by shackles and chains, I made you a promise.
                   One I intend to keep.

So now that the chains are broken and the bonds are set free, *remember that forever and always lasts for eternity.

Outside the rain poured.

The clouds were a dark grey, forcing me to see an image of how I felt inside.

I watched as the rain streaked the windows, reminding me of the tears that had once streaked my tear-stained cheeks.

I felt connected to the storm.

Like somehow it was speaking the words I couldn't force myself to tell you.

I could only hope you would hear the rumble of the thunder and see the strike of the lightening as well.

Maybe then you would realize the storm you put me through when you broke my heart.

Someday the tempest will pass.

The sun will break through the clouds and shine once more, reflecting light into the darkest parts of my heart.

I will blossom like a flower after a spring shower.

And you'll see me there, in the rainbow, *reminding you of the promises you broke.