Kaiden: Poems

163 · Nov 2024

Kaiden Nov 2024

If you see this,
Maybe at least pay attention this time?

To the words and how they're written
If you even care.
Reader,
Enlighten me, what would change if i
Died?

look

C
L
O
S
E
L
Y

#reader #acrostic

163 · Nov 2024

The abused child

Kaiden Nov 2024

The abused child

Being the abused child is
Flinching at everything
Not knowing how it feels to be cared for
Blaming yourself
Thinking their love is a lie
Maladaptive daydreaming
Addictions
Being over-compliant
Not being able to say no
Mysic loud enough to silence your mind
and the pretty silver lines engraved on your skin

It's not fair
i just wanted a normal life

Abuse is not that big of a deal, or is it?

#abuse #depression #ptsd #hurt

161 · Jun 6

Hope

Kaiden Jun 6

Hope

Hope is worthless.
You get it
And lose it,
Each time feeling more painful than the other.
Sometimes lies are more reliable than the truth

im so ******* done, everytime i get the tiniest bit of hope and my mental health is starting to get better, i ******* lose it cuz why not. im too tired to even try at this point, for the past **** knows how long ive been trying to convince myself im not suicidal, just to not **** myself before summer break, then i can be depressed all i want. i have exactly 20 days left until summer break and i genuinely dont think i'll be alive by then. "oh but your brother will get worried", i dont ******* care at this point. i really dont. nothing is real anyway, i just ended up being in this ******* reality where everyone hates me. sorry for the rant but im way too ******* tired for this.

#suicide #fuckingkillmepls

160 · Mar 5

Too lazy

Kaiden Mar 5

Too lazy

Too lazy to die
Too lazy to exist
Too lazy to cry
Too lazy to persist
Too lazy to stay
Too lazy to leave
Too lazy to pray
Too lazy to achieve
Too lazy to pretend
Too lazy to say the truth
Too lazy for the end
Too lazy for your youth
Too lazy to stop
Too lazy to lie
Too lazy to do your job
Too lazy to die

"You're just too lazy"

#lazy

160 · Jan 10

Home

Kaiden Jan 10

Home

You tried so hard to leave.
Why did you come back?

Asking myself this exact question since forever

#abuse #home

158 · May 29

One day

Kaiden May 29

One day

A minute, a day
Takes another life away.
Showing the truth
Through obvious lies,
A poem is written,
The writer dies.

Im the writer btw

(another draft, this time from december)

#suicide #depression

157 · Nov 2024

Dissapointment

Kaiden Nov 2024

Dissapointment

A notebook in my hand
A Monster in the other
What would think of me,
My precious absent mother?

Would she be proud?
Or rather dissapointed?
The answer is neither.
She wouldn't care.

Sometimes you love someone you're not supposed to.

#mother #dissapointment

156 · Dec 2024

Delusion

Kaiden Dec 2024

Delusion

Have you ever wanted to escape to a place where no one can see you?
Maybe you tried imagining the place by yourself.
The innocent little dreams turned into maladaptive daydreaming.
And suddenly, you're sentenced to being mentally ill

The imaginary world begines to grow,
Consuming you more and more.
Soon, you can't see the difference between the real world and the one
You made up.

You slip into derealization
It drowns you while giving you short breaks for air
To let you stay alive
While still hurting

i dont know much about delusion/derealization but this is how it works for me (at least now) so yeah

#delusion #derealization

155 · Mar 7

Poetry

Kaiden Mar 7

Poetry

You can't force it on yourself.
The words come by themselves,
In the most random moment,
To help you
Or doom you.
They have their own will.
A sudden wave of inspiration,
On a train, bus, school,
But when you want to write,
It tells you you're not ready.

My teacher once told me that she's not a proffesional writer because she doesn't want to force herself to write.

#poetry #writing

154 · Jun 25

Reality

Kaiden Jun 25

Reality

A nonexistent construct
Believed by many,
And broken by few.

nothing is real lol

#reality

154 · Jan 7

Untitled

Kaiden Jan 7

Untitled

I may not accompany you
In your further path.
For you have left me behind
While i still haven't forgotten you.

It still kinda hurts

#breakup

153 · Dec 2024

Sounds

Kaiden Dec 2024

Sounds

Stomp, stomp, stomp
Here come the footsteps meaning to unalive me

Stab, stab, stab
The knife is doing its work

Drip, drip, drip
The blood slowly drips on the floor
From which i may not pick myself up anymore.

#drip #stab #stomp #sounds

149 · Jan 1

Workaholic

Kaiden Jan 1

Workaholic

You wake up.
Immediately, you check your phone.
The amount of things to do is unbearable,
But you have to get it done anyway.
Why?
You don't know.

You start doing the work by yourself,
No one there to help you yet.
As always.
You have to do everything alone.
Why?
You don't know.

You finish the work
And you feel empty.
You HAVE to do something, anything.
Why?
You don't know.

You're completely burnt out,
They ask you if you're okay.
You're not.
Why?
You don't know.

If you're reading this, PLEASE take a day off, i know work is important but i don't want the same to happen to you that happened to me.

#work #workaholic

148 · Jan 29

Abuse

Kaiden Jan 29

Abuse

Abused
Belittled
Used
Scared
Exploited

#abuse #acrostic

148 · Apr 21

Force my thoughts

Kaiden Apr 21

Force my thoughts

Force my thoughts
And tell me what i think.
Shaping my mind
To your use and will.
To what you think is true,
Yet it isn't.

I'm so ******* tired of people telling me what THEY think i think. For example now, i said something, i genuinely didn't mean for it to sound rude, and my grandma said something like "you're a terrible person, think about what you have done" so i asked her what i did, genuinely confused, and she just started insulting me and saying things like "you think *insert a bad thing*" and i told her i dont think that and she just kept telling me i do. Like okay, i'm autistic and might not recognize some things but this is ******* ridiculous.

#thoughts #force

147 · Nov 2024

Nothing as it seems

Kaiden Nov 2024

Nothing as it seems

A mother is not a mom
Nice clothes aren't consent
Abuse isn't discipline
Scars don't make you weak
Fake friends aren't friends
Forced acts aren't obedience
A child isn't a worker
Yelling isn't love
Art is not a waste of time
A woman isn't a cooking mashine
What you see might not be what you think

This one isn't really good, might rewrite it later

145 · Nov 2024

Not a poem but

Kaiden Nov 2024

Not a poem but

Yall i found my old notebook with some poems i wrote when i was like 12-13, should i post them here? Perhaps make a collection? Let me know what you think in the comments

#old #poetry #poems #notebook

145 · Jan 8

Bathroom

Kaiden Jan 8

Bathroom

A shirt hanging on the door handle,
Preventing your eyes from
Looking at me.
I was 11.

I was a kid but i still had to put a shirt on the door handle so no one would stare at me. Some people are disgusting.

#sa #bathroom

144 · Apr 3

Living on autopilot

Kaiden Apr 3

Living on autopilot

I know that i'm here,
What i do or say,
But i don't know how or why.

I see through my eyes,
But as a completely different person,
Often not controlling myself.
Almost like living on autopilot.

Please tell me im just not ****** up and this thing actually exists/is somewhat normal cuz it's been happening to me for the past year and i have no idea what to do about it or what it even is, it's kinda freaking me out.

140 · Nov 2024

Judging

Kaiden Nov 2024

Judging

You judge people from their appearance or skills
I judge them from their writing style

The way someone's writing is like a window to their soul

#judge #writing #people

138 · Jun 6

again.

Kaiden Jun 6

again.

everyone is already asleep
the pills seem to stare right into your soul
you grab the blade,
the cold edge hitting your skin
almost tenderly.
as the thick, dark liquid stains the sheets,
you open the bottle with your shaky hands.
and take them out
one by one.
it tells you to hurry up.
you quickly consume every single one,
before you could regret it.
you write a few notes, texts, explaining why you'll be gone,
possibly forever.
they don't have to know that though.
you can already feel the headache coming,
the regret slowly creeping in,
you pass out.
you wake up a few hours later,
confused,
the realization finally hits you.
you don't want to listen,
but the pill whispers:
"again."

honestly i've failed so many attempts i lost count. this is probably the last thing i'll write in a while, or maybe the last thing i'll ever write. if that's the case, i love you all and i'm so sorry.

#suicide

137 · Apr 3

Punishment

Kaiden Apr 3

Punishment

The punishment,
Mental torture turning into thin red lines.
There's no one to punish me anymore,
So who should?
I look around
And see
Me.

I feel like after some time self harm became a way i used to punish myself. As expected, it turned into an addiction and an unhealthy attachment to pain itself, i've been working on it with my therapist but i'm getting way too ******* tired.

#punishment #sh

136 · Feb 1

Validation

Kaiden Feb 1

Validation

I crave it
Like a drug.
It pulls me through the words
As i type on the screen
Or notebook.
It's almost like attention-seeking
Yet i won't give up
Until i get enough.

I sometimes feel like i need way too much validation

#validation

135 · Apr 4

Write like they want it

Kaiden Apr 4

Write like they want it

See through their souls
And the things they like,
Write like they want to read it.
The writing style that according to them
Shall be successful.
Make it more simple,
More complex,
Whatever they like,
Make it realistic,
Or dreamy,
Happy
Or sad.
Tell a story
They would tell themselves.

I go to this writing contest every year since 5th grade, i got the 2nd place 3 times and 1st place once. The only time i didn't get anything was in 6th grade, when i wrote how i liked it. Trust me, on those you won't get far, you have to write how they like it. But it's also very important to write how YOU like it, otherwise it becomes another task.

#writing

135 · Dec 2024

Overthinking

Kaiden Dec 2024

Overthinking

Overthinking.
It starts with silly little fears
And gets worse as you age.

Soon, you don't only worry about making a mistake, no.
It turns into paranoia.
You lose the ability to escape in your thoughts
Because you're anxious that someone in the room can read minds,
Even though you know it can't be true.

You avoid doing embarassing things on your phone,
Thinking someone might have hacked it and sees what you're doing.

You start worrying if you walk the correct way,
Anxious of every little mistake, unnoticable by the others,
But noticable by you.

You're scared of doing everything you love
And soon, overthinking takes away your whole freedom.

As someone who's paranoid for literally no reason, these are some of my thoughts and stuff like that, i was wondering if anyone has it similar.

#overthinking #paranoia

135 · May 29

Love your hatred

Kaiden May 29

Love your hatred

Because one day it'll leave too

I wish i could just simply hate someone, at least i would have a distraction from everything

#hate

134 · Jan 29

Poet

Kaiden Jan 29

Poet

A soul broken into pieces,
And given an ability to write in return.
As "compensation".
To make people relate,
Getting the tiniest bit of happiness
From their work
While dying slowly.

I feel like this one is kinda selfish but idk

#poet

130 · Jun 6

Gaslight

Kaiden Jun 6

Gaslight

Gaslight yourself.
Into thinking you're important,
Happy,
Normal.
That thin line of denial
Being the only thing keeping you alive.
They would miss you if you were gone, wouldn't they?

they would not, and im honestly tired of pretending they would

#suicide #depression

129 · Dec 2024

Words

Kaiden Dec 2024

Words

I have to have you comply
For i will take away your will to live.
In the end, you'll end it anyway.
Your lean figure leaning over a torn piece of paper
With tears in your eyes.
Some people can't bear being with a bear,
Winding up for harsh winds
Or being so close to closing yourself.

Okay this doesn't make any sense but homographs are cool, change my mind

#homograph #words

125 · Apr 22

gone.

Kaiden Apr 22

gone.

My fingers
Interlocking with yours.
For the last time,
You'll never know you won't see me again.
Ever.
I'll be gone.
F O R E V E R.

i wanna get out of here

#gone

123 · Dec 2024

Perfect student

Kaiden Dec 2024

Perfect student

You were a stright A's student,
Winning competitions,
Was the writer of the year 4 years in a row.

But one day something changed
Your grades began to drop,
You started skipping school,
Drinking an entire bottle of water at once
So you would throw up and not go to school.

Suddenly, people that loved you started to hate you
You were gifted, sure
And it might have been impressive when you were younger
But now others caught up

You're no longer special.

Having troubles with school rn

#school #unmotivated

123 · May 29

Do me a favor

Kaiden May 29

Do me a favor

Do me a favor,
And pick up the gun,
Killing what used to be your son,
That's now a memory instead.

Do me a favor,
And pick up the knife,
Killing what used to be a life,
(be happy, he could take it on his own)

Do me a favor,
And give me the pills,
Every single one that kills
The mistake you made
When you were 21,
The 14 years old accident,
You wanted gone.

Finishing some draftsssss
I actually wrote this in a mental hospital lol

#**** #depression #abuse

121 · Apr 22

VALIDATION...

Kaiden Apr 22

VALIDATION...

I once had you
To push me through life
Now i do anything i can
To get the invisible drug
Sometimes i'm embarassed to admit it
But it doesn't matter right now
Come back.

Starting to get worried about my writing tbh

#validation

121 · Nov 2024

Children

Kaiden Nov 2024

Children

All adults were once children
There are no exceptions
And that's what's truly heartbreaking
Villians are made, not born
At least not always

Every angsty drug dealer
Every teacher
Every depressed poet
Every grave

When you see a homeless person
Do you ever wonder what their life has been before?
They were just a child
With hope
Hope which died along with their innocence

In every person there exists a child

#child #children #inner

116 · Dec 2024

Pain

Kaiden Dec 2024

Pain

It doesn't go away
It just transforms into something else

Like energy never dissapears and just turns into a different type of energy, pain never goes away. It can change, sure, but it's always there.

#pain

114 · Dec 2024

10pm

Kaiden Dec 2024

10pm

10pm.
The time when i used to always text you,
The time i told you about everything
And anything.

10pm.
Every single evening.
The hour we got together,
When i confessed months of surpressed feelings.

10pm.
Now it's all gone.
But the hour remains special.
Instead of joy, it is filled with pain.
All because one text.

10pm was the time when i used to always text a guy i absolutely loved, we were together for 9 months but i guess im unlovable.

#10pm #breakup

114 · Jan 29

Love poems

Kaiden Jan 29

Love poems

I could never write those.
A type of art so sweet for the soul,
Yet so hard to master and understand.
A poem written by the heart,
The hand only being a
Tool for it to communicate.
Trying to explain
Something no one truly knows.

Seriously, every time i write love stuff i cringe after the first line and give up lol

#love

113 · Jun 6

Goodbye?

Kaiden Jun 6

Goodbye?

I always dreamed
Of dying in a special way.
People worried,
Mother guilty for what she did,
The awkward school assembly about a dead student.
Someone trying to stop me from ending it all.

Yet now i sit in my room,
Reading the texts from earlier,
The pretty lies, saying it's "just a break".
A break i won't come back from.

i told a few people that were somewhat close to me that i'll have to take a break due to my mental health getting really bad again. honestly, it's starting to look more like a goodbye, i'm sorry.

#suicide

111 · Apr 3

Pain

Kaiden Apr 3

Pain

The best of the worst motivators.

i feel like everytime i get hurt, i write to somehow cope with the feeling. i hate it. it almost feels as if i craved pain to get the motivation, the attention and validation to write new things. it certainly doesn't feel fair.

#pain

107 · Jan 19

Ban

Kaiden Jan 19

Ban

Ban everything,
Media,
Differences,
And the will to live.

Ban everything, except yourself.

The history book on the shelf always repeats itself.

#ban

105 · Jun 25

Control

Kaiden Jun 25

Control

A feeling
That over time turned into a word,
Being too far to reach.
Trying to reclaim it,
You get hurt,
Or hurt others,
For the tiniest feeling of power
That feels so wrong,
Yet so right.

Trying to regain control controls you.

at this point i dont really have control over much stuff but oh well

#control

105 · Apr 3

I'm sorry

Kaiden Apr 3

I'm sorry

I'm sorry.
For being a failure,
Not helping you enough,
Not knowing when i should help you.
I'm sorry for the things i said,
Did,
For what i put you through.
I'm sorry
For being sorry.

This one is honestly to like 6 or more people, i'm not exactly sure why i wrote it but still decided to do so.

#sorry

102 · Dec 2024

Nonsense

Kaiden Dec 2024

Nonsense

I
Am
Bad
With
Stuff
Barely
Showing
The way i am
Explainin'
Them and i am
Seeing that i
Don't belong to
This world for
The current age

Alright so even i dont have any idea of what this is about (the first line has 1 letter, the second 2 and so on) so yeah

101 · Dec 2024

To Drab

Kaiden Dec 2024

To Drab

This isn't a poem but a piece of writing to remember a wonderful person that was here before randomly dissapearing. Some of you might remember him. He was that one kind, older man who wrote poems i absolutely loved and was also my first follower. I'm not sure why he left or what happened but i wanted to write this so people would remember him. I never knew him personally and i didn't even know him for long here. He was pretty active on here and i feel like it got a bit empty without him. I love everyone here but i feel like everyone remembers their first follower/supporter, especially if they were active. So, Drab, even tho you probably can't read this, thank you.

His account got deleted so i cant show yall sorry :(
also, sorry it's not perfectly written, i can't really focus today

#drab

100 · Jan 10

Myself

Kaiden Jan 10

Myself

I miss who i was
Don't know who i will be
And I'm scared of what I've become.

I don't really know who i am anymore.

99 · Dec 2024

All i wanted

Kaiden Dec 2024

All i wanted

I got everything i wanted
But not in the way i hoped

I have a feeling that everything i wished for when i was younger happened later but in a way that either hurt me afterwards or just completely different than what i wanted. I also really wanted bad stuff to happen to me (i dont know why) and it all happened. I might just be paranoied but still.

97 · Apr 8

Toy

Kaiden Apr 8

Toy

Being toyed with our feelings,
We function against our will
Controlled my the lucky-born
Stuck in the sweet delusion of hope.

..

#toy

96 · Dec 2024

Heart

Kaiden Dec 2024

Heart

Make my heart shatter
To assemble it again
And destroy it later
Breaking it into more pieces

95 · Apr 4

Worry

Kaiden Apr 4

Worry

Worry hurts.
A lot more than it should,
Sometimes it's different than just hoping
Someone would get home safely.
Sometimes it's worrying about someone's life.

To those that read "hurt him", the guy responded. He left the server he loved, he texted me and apparently he's really stressed and im extremely worried about him. He said he's not suicidal but I'm still really worried.

#worry

95 · Apr 8

Death

Kaiden Apr 8

Death

It holds your hand gently
As it leads you to your demise,
Pulling you hard
Or stopping you.
It chooses for you.

..

#death