the liquid over my eyes does not tingle
with every ****.
instead it fades.
quickly.
the snowflakes dance around my thoughts,
piercing the shadows.
i try not to stare,
but i know the enigmatic art does not exist.
saucy and treacherous,
i emit a howl that illuminates images
that only i can see.
i'm not crazy.
my heart has been permanently severed,
and it beats to the rhythm
of every pill i am forced to swallow.

let me go.

I hope your wifi signal is always just ****** enough that your YouTube videos buffer forever.

May your favorite sports team make it to the championship game every year and lose. Every. ****. Time.

I hope every grade you get for every class be an 89, a 79, or a 69 so it stings you every time to know you were almost good enough.

May you always get stuck in rush hour traffic.

May your favorite Thai dish always be a little too spicy for you to eat.

I hope your favorite sunglasses go missing and you never find them again.

I wish nothing but mild inconveniences for you for the rest of your life. I want you to hurt for hurting me, but I still love you too much to wish you any real harm.

Today was the 12th time I told a psychiatrist " I don't have a reason to be here."
The doctor's lips curled
her pen clicked
and she wrote so fast I swear I think the woman actually thought she found the my differential diagnosis frontier.
She holds her hand out and places it superintendant on top of the ones that belong to me
Two folded hands and a foreign one on top trembling in in falsely portrayed sympathy
Her words like a smokers cloud blew threw space and time
She exhaled an accustomed statement " I know it's hard"
But that's just it, isn't it?
I don't want to say it's particularly ' hard ' having an existence as arbitrary as mine.


When you step on a bug crossing your path do you really cross any sort of moral line?
Probably not, because there are two things you can't really ******
One being the negligible, and two being the thoughts in your brain that intertwine.
and if I leave this god forsaken planet i'm afraid that's all i'll be
a neuroelectrical plague; a vague and useless memory
Because no one will make requiem for ugly cadavers
and I feel i'm slipping deeper into unconsciousness without any form of stagger
When the pills are on the rise
no one cares if another ' arbitrary ' kid dies
Why should they?
The kids were never even alive in the first place...

If I ever get addicted to cigarettes,
it will be because of you, Mike—
the screenwriter and smoker from Miami who I met
amidst the gentle crashing of the calm waves. It’s not
that I needed to smoke to accent the stars,
already so powerful in their summer sky without haze, but
I did need the smoke to accent you, Mike, to
hear about the time you climbed a mountain
where the air was so cold and the wind so fierce
that in your tent, your body created an atmosphere
dialectical in its warmth and surreal rain. When I
cough up phlegm in the morning, I’ll be thinking of you, Mike,
and as that brownish yellow glob slides
down the thin metal drain, I know I’ll think
that if I get addicted to cigarettes
because of you, Mike,
then it won’t be such a bad thing.

You sit on your brazen altar
worshipped as Venus
for your fake beauty
your feigned sincerity
corrupting anyone who listens
to your propaganda

whisks of dyed blonde hair
fall around your face in layers
so common a haircut
and this, so human
your greatest weapon?

I can’t watch you anymore,
so spiderlike,
catch the weaker men in your web
and with well thought out battle strategies
drain of them of every happiness
until they are broken
and alone

And these games are your life
once, they were mine too
but that was a decade ago
now, I have no desire
to play these breaking games.

I realized what I felt for you while I ate my breakfast this morning.
I cut into the Belgian waffle and while the syrup poured out, it hit me.
The way you laugh and that little Southern drawl you have.
The way you make me say that I'm special, though I'd rather believe I'm not.
The way you want to cuddle and I want to do something more.
The way you don't want to hurt me when you leave, and I assured you that you couldn't.

I brought the fork to my mouth, and chewed the waffle.
I shouldn't have assured you anything, because this breakfast made me realize you can.
You can hurt me when you leave, and you will.

You got through to her on Facebook.
In the real world she wouldn't have given you a second look.

She said she could talk to you about things she couldn't talk to anyone else about.
In the real world she wouldn't walk with you anywhere she could walk about with me.

Singing is something you had in common.
Children is what we have in common.

Your duet with her in church was mediocre on your part.
The wedding day she and I shared was wonderful and created something someone like you should never have been able to part.

You live a dream that will never come true.
So you destroy my dream that came true.

Someday I will forget that you exist.
Sorry Sancho but reality does exist and some day you will wish you were able to resist.

Release me from this confusion


I want to take a step back
Observe Myself
Take a look
at what I have done

I don't want to end it
then come crawling
I don't want to lose
what I have here and now
but I want to see

Is he better?
Nicer?
Will he respect my space?
Can he trust me?
Can I trust him?

If it happens
Or He finds out
what I'm thinking
will he ever
trust me again

I love you
Both
Forever