"I feel the beat of my own words as they tumble
A stutter, a jump in the waves of thought that crash
Down, encircling my head, shooting an emotional gun
A bang in bed, so hard it breaks. The love causes a concussion."  

I am thinking too much,
I can't just let thoughts fall from my lips,
I wish I could speak out about emotion;
The path they've led me down,
And have people think they're beautiful and heartfelt,
But I don't have that capability because lately my
Mind has been overcrowded and empty,
I contradict myself like a wasp that has no sting.
What's the point?
I am a poet that can't write or rhyme,
I am a performer with no character,
An artist without a clear muse and so
I scribble on a page hoping to find
Someone who will respect my patheticness.
I listen to music, wishing that I could sound like
The people who know what to do the next day,
Because I have no clue.
Thinking that far ahead leaves holes in my vision
Because something is missing,
But I cant see far enough to find it!

My entire life has been a magnifying glass,
Trying to find my way, the right way, and society's way,
But I can only follow one path and that one
May not even be paved yet.
And as a girl who hated wearing shoes as a child
And who looks to her childish heart for guidance,
That may be a problem.

And he walks away.
I looked at him. I almost said something to him.
He was distracted and
Looked angry.
At me?
At nothing?
And he walked away.

Sometimes I like to think to my self,
"Life will get better."
And then I realize the harsh truth.

It won't

There will be short periods of time
When life is great.
You'll get a new car,
Your significant other will propose,
You'll get promoted and make a **** ton of money.
But everyone knows that those moments will not last.

Depression will hit like a title wave and you wont eat for days.
Insomnia will cause sleep deprivation
And the purple under your eyes will
Cause people to worry if yore dying
And maybe you are: on the inside.

There will be those best of times and those worst of times
But if you have those Great Expectations,
You will get yourself nowhere.

Life is a Series of Unfortunate Events and everything
And nothing will get in your way.
And some day, As you Lay Dying
You may think that it just wasn't worth it.

And then you'll look back.
The negative things are always the most drastic until
The good things mean something more.
Remember your proposal,
Or the time you swam into the lake
And opened yourself to The Awakening.

Remember the times when everything was **** and you said,
this Pride and Prejudice is really getting to me,"
But instead of giving up,
You picked that title up and said,
"Maybe this will help. Maybe these
Tales of Mystery and Imagination
Will heal my wounded soul."

And so you....

I had a dream again.
A lovely one, with all but lust.
And yet I could feel everything.

I fell asleep in your arms, my skin on yours.
And a smile remained through the night.

I woke up this morning thinking of you,
And I searched for you in my sheets.
Then I realized.... I was a fool.

Connection to my
Mind, my rationality:

Gone.

                                       amigoingcrazyithinkiamscareddont

Touch me.

Help me, heal me.
Distractions are

                                     Keys are jingling, ringing. What is that

Sound is nonexistent, just white noise.
             The line was cut.

My endless pain, scars,
All hidden within the stars
My mind contains.

My dreams, fantasies,
Controlling the nerves that plead
Under my fingers.

I think, I feel dead
About the things of mine you steal
Such as my innocence

I hurt, I ******
The thoughts that bring me under
My reckless waters.

My heart beats,
My heart is red. The blood runs through
And infects my head.
My cheeks burn,
I blush bright pink. My head is spinning,
I feel my stomach sink.
My body shakes,
My body wants. A thought of you
Is a thought that haunts.
My lips tremble,
My lips kiss. My throat burns
When it's you I miss.
My arms embrace,
My arms show my love. I pull you down
Just to see you above.
My eyes feel heavy,
My eyes see you. You look at me
With your eyes of nearly blue.
I see your face,
I see your eyes. The color changes,
The color cries.
I feel your lips,
I feel your grace. With an addicting drug,
Your tongue is laced.
I want your body,
I want your soul. I will keep you forever.
That is my goal.
I love your voice,
I love your mind.
I love the way you are always so kind.
I love your body,
I love your touch.
The scent you give: I can't get enough.
I love your laugh,
I love the times
That we can sigh and empty our minds.
We wait for the future,
We wait for a life
When we escape from our lives and I become your wife.
I wish to the earth,
I wish to the moon,
That everything we want will come very soon.
I wish to the trees,
I wish to the sun,
That you will be my, and I will be your, only one.

Once upon what seems like so long ago,
We were children incapable of being tainted.
A kiss was just a peck on the cheek
And "*****" was just something that you drilled into a wall.
Boys and girls could be friends, best friends even,
Like mine were, and rumors of *** were unheard of.
When fights on the playground were just childish games,
And we didn't care about other's opinions.
We wondered what it would be like to grow up, never realizing the horrors.
Of the lies,
The drama,
The torture we would face.
Now, we think back, wondering why we ever changed.
Why we wished to be the way we are now.

Today, we are Teenagers;
Hormonal,
Emotional,
Physical,
And undoubtedly stereotypical.
Society seems to think we are incapable of rationality.
Incapable of thinking about consequences instead of pleasure
And who the next girl to "pop" would be.
But, no.
We wonder why.
Why we had to change.
Why we did change.
Why we lost our most prized possession.
We remember the friends we had,
The promises we made.
The inside jokes that everyone knew.
The one kid we wanted to marry,
And then they moved across the country.

We were so innocent, and knew so little.
Until we grew and adapted to the young adult life.
We claimed to be happy, and others believed,
But all of us teens know
We long to be young.
We long to be innocent.
We long to be normal.
Not the perverted freaks people think us to be.
Not the people who judge boys who act like girls
Or the girls who look like boys.

Our innocence and ability to understand was robbed from us
The second we left Elementary school.
Some of us now feel the  need to bully others,
To judge our peers,
To impress the opposite gender by exposing ourselves.

If only we could remember the innocence.
If only we could bring it back like a retro fashion sense,
Yet keep it here instead of letting it die for good.
Could we try?
Will it work?

Could it still be with us after all this time?

A few forgetful moments
And I am littered with paper cuts.
Each tear is a page: a meaning: a reason.

I am encased with quilts and a
Bubbling love, but the chills
And demons find their way through.

I was told
Explicitly
To pull my head out of my ***,
Because struggling with education, depression, and
Harassment
Is inconvenient for others.

I forgot to reline the trash can in the bathroom.

Dear diary,
I almost hurt myself again today. Its been over ten months since I did it last, but you know what a ***** life is.
See ya later!

***** reminds me of rainbows,
And vice-verse.
My stomach is thunder.

I don't have enough tears to make it rain,
But I might **** enough.

What should I do with my life?
I make decisions and
Work my *** off more than any
16 year old I know,
And care for others in any way I can
In hope that they will return the favor when I need it,
But I'm still ignorant and selfish, says she.

Sometimes I wonder which way is up
And right. A nervous tick of mine.
A moody strand of my being.
Trying to connect to reality, but curving...

It seems that heads are rolling
And ideas are left to perch atop
These humanoid bodies.
Unnatural.
When did humanity lose itself and begin
To create the poison we consume?
The rotten images of walking ***
And fumes of chemical death?
These corrosive lifestyles spread like
Wildfire and teenage legs.
Soon, there will be nothing
But the empty heads that
Obsess over the next ****,
The next dose of whatever form of
****** is "The New Hot Topic."
And the rest of us will be left
Picking up the pieces.

Same cycle, turning wheels and whirring motors
Running my life, mechanic.
Sleep and time are my loves, and I am Poe:
They were taken from me, my sleep is dead.

Sleep is eternally sleeping.

The dead spider under the refrigerator,
The crushed centipede on the bathroom wall,
Crawly things: crawlersout the dead skin you refuse to
Scrape off.
Skin sleeps and melts: drip on the floor, paint stains from the living room walls.
It has been the same color for years, the exact color I despise.
It reminds me of Mondays and Sundays.
The steriotypicality.
It goes in circles, everybody hates them
But they are me favorite shape. Not then arrows guide
In the forever, never ending march forward.
An army of automatons, gears screeching and crying, but most of us are so emotionless, faceless.
Drinking not the water or bubblies at party's, but the crude oil emitted from the ground.
And it turns their skin orange, no one likes the fake ness, caked on
Tar that you think make your eyes shine.
And the gossip, squeaky voices that talk endlessly about everything but reality.
I want to **** them all, the lies.
And I want to sleep forever, escape from everything I have ever despised,
And I want him to join me. Wrap me in a hot quilt that he formed with his own physique.
Somehow make me forget about everything but that.

But no, it doesn't fit in this never ending waterwheel. Not enough grooves to
Scoop up the sand of my life and give me a mission.
But we can defy the sand, the horrid hourglass that ticks away, the sound of pebbles
Plunking into a river.
Throw them off of a bridge and jump with them, as some people do.
Ignore them, or help them. Most are too blinded by themselves.
They can't stand change, but it shapes them. A unique shape other than the rounded
The rest are.
But I am lost. No clue where to go, what I am saying, I should be put away,
Blank white room or a steel table in a morgue.

Hallowed ground means nothing to me. Coffins are cramped, horrid boxes of sadness,
I will not die that way. No crying, tears will soil your handsome clothes.
I was reborn. You still have me close; my form changed. A circle
Does not define me anymore. I put another notch in my medicine wheel, another
Cure to my disease. Another way to say as much as I do.

But the walls are still the same dreary color. Skin just cooling, but splattered on the floor;
Cover it with a rug. Distract from the blank walls, no expression. Never changing.
Or write on them with colored pen. Carve things into them.
Change yourself. Put yourself away because inside that thick skull
Is an asylum of your own.

And the plot thickens
Or sickens
As they say

The sting of fingernails, arm rubbed raw;
I want to destroy things. Take out everything and
Shatter all of the glass I can find. It's a symbol.
My mind is falling apart and no one gets it! My
Grades fail for a reason. Everything is changing since
I was found out. I need to escape. Move out,
Get away from it all; forget. Please let me forget.

I am falling apart...
I am ******* falling apart.
Everything has gone wrong.

You find out, yell at me,
Keep me caged in.
And now I can't think at all.

I didn't do my assignment.
I didn't even know I had it!
And before that, I got every question wrong.

I don't even care anymore.
This comes first.
And plus, a few assignments won't affect me too much.
The tests though...

But it is simple.
I know the numbers,
I know the properties.

But what I don't know is how to ******* fix myself.

I can't control you and I can't make you
LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!!!!

I can't fix this.
And I can't run.

I have too much to lose.

My emotions dry and crumble as leaves do.
The smell of pumpkin and cardamom
Reminds me of the day I cut myself
Deeper than I ever had before.

I laid under the sky on a bed of down
Wishing that you could be with me.
Staring at the black sky with patterns
Of sparkly green and blue,
I think of a sky filled with cotton, only
In our world.
Because in the dark days or cold nights,
It would be the only thing we know.
Pulling the sky down on top of us to keep warm,
All the while, utilizing our heat and lust to
Amplify.
Ghost your fingertips across my hips, dear.
Gently bite my neck, dear.
Drag your callouses down my legs, dear.

Send shivers down my spine, dear.

But you can't. Not yet.
We can still dream, and we can still imagine.

Dream for me; the sky of silk and cotton waits at the inside of your eyelids,
Enticing and beautiful. Picture the world where nothing else matters
And feel my touch, hear my heart beat.
See the sky of silk and cotton blur and fade as we drown in eachother.

Disappointment. I had never
Thought
Once
That it would go like this.

Death.

I never thought I'd have to
Think
About what I'd done.
How Id feel after I stopped
Bleeding
Breathing
Hearing.

How would it feel?

+I hate you.... You got us stuck in hell with all of these blank white walls...

Respond please?
-I want to escape.
+I know... But it's your fault in the first place.
-I don't like it here.

It is lifeless and cold.
+Well... DUH!!!!!
-why do you always treat me like that?
+no reason.
- you don't like me...
+ I know.
- you're mad at me
+ I know.
- why? What do you know?
+ I know.
- you know what?!
+ you.

- do you know if I can escape?
+ no.
- but...
+ No.
- I just...
+ NO!!!
- no?
+ NO NO NO NO
                                 NO NO NO

                                                       NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

- Okay! I get it...
+ yes.
- will you be my friend?
+ I already am.
- since when?
+ always. I am a part of you. Inside of you. I am your only friend.
- not true.
+ yes. I am a part of you. Your only TRUE friend.
- not true. You're not my friend!
+ THEN DIE!!!
                  You can escape that way. And I will follow you wherever you go, but at least you will be free from this prison.

Somehow, I knew.
I knew it couldn't last from the beginning
And I thought about ending it myself
Countless times. I convinced myself I was paranoid.
A long time ago, I felt the light fade and i tried to bring it back.
"Can we try to be innocent again,
Like we were at first?"
That's when I knew you were losing it.

I tried to hold it together.
Change myself in the smallest of ways.

I felt the light fade from you a long time ago.
I could see the fakeness in the way you looked at me.
You distanced yourself.
And i could tell that your "I love you"s had
An entirely different meaning from mine.

What were the lies and when did they happen?
How long did you feel how you felt?
Why did you imagine with me and
Dream of our life together when you couldn't see it like I could
And it scared you?
When did you lie to me?

None of it adds up, and I don't know if I want it to.
We are friends, now, no matter what,
But I wish I could have realized
What had to be done.
Maybe it would have been easier then.

I made a fool of myself, letting you come inside like that.
I trusted you when you said "forever."
And Then I noticed a pattern.
After every mission, every religious retreat,
You changed. Acted differently.
As if I was simply a sin.
And you wondered why i hated organized religion, believing what
HUMANS
Told you about God.
And I knew that changed the way you thought about me,
Just a little at a time.
And again, I convinced myself otherwise,
Because I tried for you.
I did not fight for you.
If I fought for what we had, it would not have been worth it,
Fighting is too much.
If I had to fight, it would have
Meant that i never truly loved you. That i had
To try to love you instead of feeling it.

Did you really fight?
Did you lie to me about everything?
Did you have to change to make me happy?
Was all of it for nothing?

Senses explode, WWII,
Nuclear warfare on this expanse of bare
Skin supposed to be closed at my age separates,
I let the saltwater seep into this,
Slick. Time passes, hardly passing,
But, oh, how well we move.  Dance
Around our icy fire, escape from the pain
Constantly eating, feeding.
We are a buffet of things to harm
Come for another plate, fate.
Do us more harm? No. We will not stand, we can't
When we are in this state of mind. We have no state of mind,
Lust driven creatures, but we can speak. Command, tell me what
You want. You want a simple thing, but so complex.
And I want it, too, but simpler for me. A simple thing, unless thought of.
Believed in, felt deeply in ways not physical.
Arching and deepening, we will not be broken down by a measly
War outside of our windows.
Fire scorching the wooden figures, but we are sheltered by stone.
We have escaped and we are left with a heavy air and the smell
Only we can concoct. Nonexistent fabric leaving traces on my skin and yours, indent.
And your eyes are all I see, even in the dark. I know their color by heart, greenbluegrey-everchanging. But I can figure it out.
Your pupils dilate you know. You look at me and I see them. You seem drugged, dear.
Let me feed your addiction. There are many nuclear weapons left, buried
Throughout the world. We can travel and love,
Never ending.

Let me be the one to see
The only thing between us
Dissolve
Not now, but soon enough,
We will feel the remaining distance

Come closer.
Closer, love, and I will heal all of your pain.

This current adrenaline is satisfying, for now,
But won't be enough.
In our minds eye, we know how close we are,
And how close we could be.

See the colors burning bright,
Burning for us.
Simmering under the weight of this love.
Charred under the heat of this lust we share.

Cut me open, cover yourself in a blanket of skin.
It won't make I difference. I don't inhabit it anyway.
It is a shell.
It is a lifeless thing.
It is not me. It makes no decisions.

Split the differences in your own mind and do anything you wish.
Take away every doubt.
Leave it on the edge of a cliff. The rain will wash it down our throats.
A spoonful of sugar.
It is laced. Silk laces, pretty underthings ruined.
They were taken off.
Too many flowers to water with the fluids running from open wounds.

They will not grow. They are made of the plastic from leftover
Glass from a broken window. Portal to the soul
My eyes are not there anymore. Blindly
Stuttering, I cannot speak.
These arms lack bones.
They were buried long ago, burned to blackened
Charcoal. Draw a masterpiece, dear.

Stab my physical canvas with toothpicks and see visions.
Crystal trees growing from my ears, reaching into your voice box.
Sing for me.

Make me dance over the salt, gives me rashes on my legs, blue flame licking what is yours.
Turn the key in my bleeding back. Twist my spine and laugh, watch as I writhe in
Lust?

How am I supposed to know. My brain is nonexistent, just gears and crushed light bulbs.
There is no light.
I took a step two nights past, I didn't see.

A tusk ****** through my foot, breaking bones.
I admire the animals caged at the zoo. They were stronger than I was, before they were
Eliminated. They are dying, wilting.
I drew flowers on my nails to represent them. A memorial to the horrid truth of knowing about the robotics of life.
This is just a computer, ringing a high. No going backwards. The button doesn't work, the transformer blew, we have no power.

My data was deleted.

Silent crackle, tingle,
The smell of a sticky must. Floating dust in
An abandoned attic, where the rats roam and the dead skeleton of a fish
Still lies in an empty bowl of moldy rocks and plastic plants.
Yet, despite the emptiness, a girl curls up in the corner, black
Running down her face as she weeps for the things she longs for most.
She looks out the *****, broken window at the cloudy sky and imagines it
Blue. The brightest of skies with only few hints of cirrus.
A blanket on the ground and the man she loves, nothing else in sight.
The expanse of green in her head is contrasted to the rotting floorboards she lays
On, dreaming. The steady beat of Boy in Static thrumming through her headset
As she struggles not to scream and jump, finishing the job on the window
From troubled teens years before. The sound reminds her of VHS tapes,
Press rewind, take a turn and start over. But she can't, when something has changed.
The boy she knew, looking down with his hood not up, but covering his face, shielding
Himself from her. She knew he had a ***** in his head, but she just looked away. He never answered anything she asked. He was unable.
But her heart still dropped, she smiled her best. An amazing actress, fooling everyone, makeup allergy keeping her eyes dry. She just read Huck Finn as though nothing was wrong.
Now she sits in her room, writing and shaking her head. This line is not right.
Her walls were full of color and poetry, but her mind kept wandering to that attic.

She was there again. Blankly staring at her star charm anklet. A simple blue ribbon.
And the throbbing of her heartbeat through that one spot on her thumb,
That pressure point that hurts more than anything. But one thing could be worse.
Being left. Just like the broken rocking horse in the corner and the baby's cradle
Lined with blue silk that was shoved into a box. That baby is probably dead. Just like all
Of the others who lived there, burned by the fire. Goose flesh raises, prickly
Hairs on her legs from a week of no shaving. Scratch. Scratch. Scratch. Bleed.
Change the song. Bleed Like Me. Perfect. She draws on the peeling walls, two hundred
Years of wallpaper and lead paint, chalk barely leaving a mark. She sketches a masterpiece.
A child that she wishes she could have. Impossibly too young, but still...
A daughter she could raise better than her mother raised her. A chance to do something right.
More than the mechanic life she has lead, empty and useless.
Confused and pathetic. Like the broken grandfather clock that ticks backwards.
Three, two, one.
Ding-****, ****-ding. Grandfather never taught me anything. He was not a wise man.
He was a fool. Knew too much and too little, no room to know what was right.
She let another raindrop escape and suddenly it began to pour. Lightning crashes as a glass
Slipper collides with the picture drawn of her dream. Thunder as she releases a
Bloodcurdling scream. "Why!?"
Why her? The pain in her back is unbearable. She slouches too much, and her eyes burn.
She is not Cinderella; her ball gown does not glitter.
Piano is her least favorite instrument, but it somehow gets to her. Small hammers
Striking her heart strings, low notes reminding her of his voice and the soft, feminine
Voices radiating, remind her of when she was young... Immortal. She has aged since then.
Too quickly. Her entire life has been a masquerade ball. Unskilled idiots dancing
Around her and stepping on her toes. Shouldering her in the stomach,
Breaking her ribs. Beats of music guide her skilled toes, swerve around falling raindrops that
Her own eyes emit. And she crashes through the floor of that dismal attic. Broken free,
But she is still trapped. The walls are charred down here.

But the walls are not painted black. They were once a mint color, green and cheerful, healthy.
Until a psychopath lit a match.
"I didn't mean to do it." It was all in her head. The house.
She set it aflame.

She sits in her room, writing and shaking her head. This line is not right.
Her walls were full of color and poetry. It isn't worth it to stare. Nothing will change.
She is still just a girl in a glass box, being stared at and judged. Trapped and ridiculed because her eyes bleed and bless the onlookers with bad luck. It's amazing the things
That people don't know. Drifting deeper into a pit of endless darkness. A candle won't
Live down here. No oxygen to let it breathe. But one lit self portrait hangs in the air.
Years ago, drawn in pencil. Symbolic, it wants to be erased. To die.
And the ******* the page is wearing a mask. The girl in the parchment is me.
Medium length hair and a tear painted, permanent. A Parasite. Capitalized for its meaning.

A demon is running through me, singeing
My tissues, blisters on the insides of my bones. Swelled up, show through
My skin. Waves on a shore. But I am not a beach. A ***** maybe...
Still, I hate it. The hate killed whatever flowers I had left planted in my mind.
Tainted me with the horrible visions of a tear streaked face of paper mâché.
She was the one in the attic. Her whole persona
Wilted and ashen, grey. A silent movie might mask it; the hurt, I mean.
The grey lines on the screen hiding the bags under her eyes and the redness of her nose,
Get rid of the twinkling shards of glass frozen on her cheek from crying in the dead of winter.
Slip up once, and everything goes to hell. Well, I must have slipped years before I was born.
Few smiles are left on this dismal timeline. And I shall use them wisely. But, for now,
I think I will just weep, sleep forever and hope that you don't give up on me and pull the plug.
I am still here somewhere, just dormant. Please wake me up. Get me out of this charred cabin,
This glass box. Pull me out of my warped sense of everything, teach me again what
Love feels like. I have forgotten amidst everything that I have felt and remembered.
There is no more room for things to be learned. Only for things to be repaired.
I will give you a hammer. Come inside and fix me; that ***** in your head couldn't have taken your knowledge away. You are the only one that knows.

Use this never ending lightning and bring your bride to life.

My eyes hurt.
My nose burns.
And my head throbs with things once forgotten.
I wanted so ******* badly to forget.

And now, I'm forced to relive it.

I tried to ******* **** myself.
Why would you bring that up again?
Why would you ask me why?
How?
When?
It makes me remember when I'd already lost it.

I can't pay attention to the things that should matter
To a fifteen year old girl.

I can't just daydream about kissing my boyfriend or
Stress over the coming math test.

Because I'm too busy killing myself with memories.

Rumbling storms, scolding!
Why me? Tormenting my
Nostrils with something
Grotesque. I see a rotting
Corpse; she is me.

Reality shakes
And now she falls from ice clouds
Under my skin. Shivers
And small geese ****, the sickness
Consuming. I've lost the game.

You and I
Throughout the summer, in the water,
We were able to float into something so oblivious.
And, just like that, it disappeared.

Yet we stay and are seemingly stronger than ever.
You and me
Like the way it has been, but still want more.
Knowledge about everything.

Some things deserve to be forgotten, but
It is impossible. You and
I can never go back to
The innocence of knowing nothing.

Recreated over and over, just to get away.
I can not keep doing this,

The walls are closing in.

I have no place to turn to if I can not
Tell
My story openly.
Tell my emotions without being judged.
I know you care,
But some things, I don't want you to know.
I will talk if I want to.

Kisses under the moonlight,
Visions of past demons
             Catching me.
                  Clamp on my leg,
Cutting me.

Dark winged faeries
   Dance on my eyelids
                                    As I sleep.
Sleep with my
                 Real eyes open.

Metaphorical eyes sewn shut
                  With burning thread.

Tip toe.
    Into the window,
Move the way the ocean does.

                      Sugar kisses
And plum colored sheets.
       Faeries dash, horrific scenes to them...
  "Don't touch like that!"

                     Feel, save.
Season the scarred plains with
            Sweat.

     Night time kissed interrupted
By dawn
                               And fire.

On this day in 1963, Sylvia Plath, a beautiful woman and well known poet, committed suicide in her apartment. A rare recording of her reading her poem The Disquieting Muses was released.
https://www.brainpickings.org/2014/10/27/sylvia-plath-reads-the-disquieting-muses-bbc/

Steady thrums and drums caused rifting thoughts,
Reevaluating why confusion is so important.
Curiosity killed the cat, the mischievous one.

The murderer made way with a simple alibi
A photograph in a collection of poems.
A whisper in a crowd of screams and shadows.

Things unseen, but felt, serve to remind
Why constant isolation won't was away the messages
Sent by a silence and a distant stare.

Open books stained with salt and spirits
Haunt a space that should not have formed.
Lava spills out like a child's science project.

Maybe it was an experiment. A torn open pocket in
The rationality contained in the ghosts of minds.
Quiet and demented secrets whisper cunning propositions.

And maybe it was just a silly dream in the mind of a *****.
Telling the true and false is never accurate, after all
Who are we to say what is right and wrong?

Write and erase? Just like everything that has
Ever been said. Eyes are wide awake, but the
Spirit behind them is a sleeping giant. Stupid and oblivious.

Don't move, don't speak, don't try to make sense
Of anything that anyone says, that's my advice.
"Everything will be fine in the end."

Worlds coming together, scream that the things that don't matter,
Don't let the neighbor hear. Machines stab, sew, tie my mouth shut with thin cotton thread.
Purple is my favorite color.
But I sewed the wrong shape, time to start over. I have run out of fabric.
And I am broke, breaking, broken,
Don't try to fix me, you cannot put the pieces back together
With the ancient method you use. Putting clay pieces with gold,
Things are more beautiful having been broken:
*******.
It is all ruined. Plans, hopes, dreams are never real, all in my head.
A wake up call so I can chuck my alarm out the window and maybe jump with it.
Know where I am headed, some say Hell just because I tried. But I can't believe that.
Thought provoking? Good. You need to turn on that ******* brain of yours;
It is rusty. Get some CLR and clean it out just like a shower head, let the water run free again.
Gallop over naked bodies like wild horses in plain
Sight. See the things you never dreamed of, thread breaking, snapping at the seams;
Crimson silk shrivels and crumbles to the floor, looking like the liquid so many people long for.
Red wine runs through people's veins, the so-called blood of Christ that has been long dead, but somehow still teaches ignorant ******* to **** and isolate those who know the truth.
I don't believe it. Topics change and so do we, but we are stuck in a frozen wasteland, thoughts
Jumbled in a pile, never changing, ever-changing, but still the same.

Do I shock you? It is the way it is, life isn't always going to be peachy, little girl, you won't grow
Up to be famous like you want to. We all had that dream, but it unravels like the skin
That real fame paints onto you.
You will be as ****** up as I am. Writing words that no one knows the meaning to, even you
Won't know what they mean, it is a puzzle on a cell phone screen.
An infected wound from dry lips cracking, spilling blood into a kiss that was supposed to be
Passionate. But it was forced; I can call you the name in three languages: *******. Selling
Yourself for the riches that aren't worth a cent. It's drug money, I have seen it.
You will rot like the rest, and be confused as I am. Feel relieved you aren't pregnant, darling.
That will ruin your reputation, ruin your income.
But it's okay. You have a degree in law, sue the ******* that did it to you, go through the
Pain of killing once more because you did it to yourself when you were younger.

The subject seems to be sobering. More medication please, we don't want her to go insane.
Too ******* late, you *******. That happened too long ago to remember. The womb
Did this to me. Possessed me with a ghost of a sleeping dragon, roaring fire and singeing the
Tips of my fingernails. I painted them black to cover it up.
I didn't sell it, I am no solicitor, no one likes them. The hexagonal shapes I print on the snow
Come from somewhere, though. I don't have shoes, my traces in the snow are paw prints from
The realm of wolves. It is there that I am at peace, natural instinct prevails.
Tear the seams between us, dear. Take away the pesky cloth covering our natural selves and
Roam the forest with me. That is where the freaks are.

It's a private thought. They are not meant to be invaded, but
They were anyway. I thought you knew what my dreams were.

Every single one, I see a pair of eyes. Sometimes blue,
Sometimes green,
Sometimes grey,
But always shimmering.

It was dark and I saw nothing else. But somehow I could feel
Hands.
Gentle hands on my bare skin.
And a breath in my ear, whispering things that only matter
When said by one voice.

I could feel something that only one person can make me truly feel.
Love, fear, and a consuming lust.
Somehow, we were floating, but felt safe. We had the confidence and grace
Of cherry blossoms in the wind.

He kissed every ligament in my spine,
Returned to my lips and eyes,
And used his skin to cover my body, only for him to see.
He played with my hair,
He sighed on my neck and breathed me in. All I could
Think was "me. He is doing this to me."
He kissed my neck, about to completely connect
And make me feel more than I ever will.

And then I woke up.

I always say it. "Thank god."

But, here's the thing; I always thought that God would save the helpless, cure the sick and sad. And at least take the pain away.
So many things happened to me throughout my life. I was hopeless. Rumors always seemed to be about me, people lied to me, laughed at me, friends isolated me and left. I was alone at school. At home, my parents always seemed to favor my brother. I would go home, grab a snack, and do my work. Read. The entire time, my mom was drinking, watching tv and occasionally helping my brother impatiently with his homework. My father worked. And he came home late. And he drank.
And they both smoked, but at least they were 'courteous' enough to do it outside.

They did quit the alcohol and the tobacco, but still something was off. My dad lied, still drank, my mothers temper got even shorter. Scream was all she ever did. I loved school, not to learn, but to get away.
It didn't help that I had a disease in my ****** up head. It made it so I was always sad, nothing else. It soon got to be too much.
Earlier this year, April 24, 2013,
Everything was at its worst. I barely had anyone that I could trust. Two friends were there, but they didn't know about me. I was the happy, energetic, bisexual girl who wouldn't shut up. I was strong, made people happy. I was the one who didn't believe in god. If only they knew why.

He never came. I prayed for help. I wanted out. Day in and day out, my mind was on my brother and me. Our lives and how much we wanted...
No...
Needed it to get better.

I trusted him. I did, and I loved him.
Until he abandoned me.

Now, I believe in another. I dont worship, I dont pray, because I know she is with me either way. We have a connection, you see. She just knows. She is always there for anyone. People talk of miracles, and they talk of God, but only hear those stories from the liars, the fakes. Sometimes I will hear genuine stories of God helping them, and I believe them. I just think, "wow, God sure loves them. I hope that they are happy as ****, because I am sure not. "

I dont think God performs miracles. I believe tht the nameless God people speak of is an escape, a heavy fog that falls on reality. I know of so many who are clouded and ignorant because "God says so." God does nothing but hurt people, and he isnt even real. Life is. Energy, the world around us is alive, gives us life. Life herself is what performs miracles. Knowing and using the earth for what its intended for.

I did, and I was better. But still, not completely. People still lied, I was still in pain, I was still a mistake on legs. And I tried.
To all of those suicidal depression peeps of mine, you know what I mean, if not, look back at my poetry, if you know which alternate persona to look at.  
I tried. And the one time I needed God, he wasnt there. But Life, she somehow put a message into a man's head. He wanted to talk to me. And I heard the phone buzz. God cannot do that. People speak of god telling them things, and that is all. No thought other than God and his miracle. But he had no clue until a few months ago.

Thank God that this ****** up world is as it should be! But to tell the truth, I think it needs a bit less sarcasm.

How about DONT thank God because he doesnt do ****. Take it from me.

My entire life, I have been ****** over. My entire life I have hoped and prayed and needed something to happen. My entire life, or since I can remember, I have contemplated suicide, and the one time it might have happened, he wasnt there. But, somehow, you saved me. But the God that you believe in, had no part in it.

The source of my sorrow
Has been resurrected
Along with the memories I had buried.
Everything before you was buried,
But the burn of whiskey
Has robbed every grave I created;
Truths brought back by the
Numbness of my lips and
Willingness of my neighbors ears.

Insults travel trough generations.
They embed themselves in our minds,
Echoing the same phrase:
"You are nothing."

Somehow the phantom voices
Hurt more than the bruises across our cheeks
Because the purple and blue fades over time.

Sticks and stones may break my bones
But at least they heal.
Words are harder to forgive.

Ribs and shaky fingers are not
A definition of beautiful.
A tear streaked face and a constant
Soreness in my voice are not cute.

I want to feel beautiful again.
I want to feel wanted again.

Every passing moment,
I feel less acknowledged.
Less looked at.

I've raided my mind for every answer to my questions:
Do you look at me like I'm beautiful?
Do you notice the little things?
Respect the small scars that I don't remember?
Do you realize how hard I fight for you and how close
I've come to trying again?
Do you ever cry for me? Pray for me?
Do you ever look at me just for the fun of it?
And notice every detail in my back while I'm not looking?

I want to feel needed again.
I want to know that I am wanted and not discarded.
That I am not a useless thing and a waste of air.
I just want to feel your eyes on me and feel the gentleness of your hands.

Do you ever shake out of fear for me?
Do you ever realize that I am in pain before I do?
D you realize that every time someone asks if I'm okay,
Even if I am, I start to cry because
There is always something to think about?
Do you ever think about how lonely and worthless I feel when I have no one there with me?
Do you ever worry about when I fall asleep, maybe I'm dreaming about my own death?
Do you ever get scared when I lock myself in my room and refuse to speak?
Do you ever wonder what it's like to be as jealous as I am?
Or wonder what it's like to be in my shoes with people talking behind my back and insulting me?
Sometimes physically pushing me?

I just want to feel loved again.
I miss you.

In the minds of others, I want us to be viewed as
A starstruck love, a famous and widely dreamed of
Fantasy. The softness of our kisses will echo in their eyes
And they will think, "there is love in that kiss.
There is love in their eyes and in their bodies.
They share the love in their minds and arms."
The fire in our eyes will be an old one,
Strong and mature. The smiles we exchange
Will contain memories that few recognize.
I want to be seen as the luckiest girl in the world,
Because I am. The universe will hear my whisper
When I tell you I love you, and there will be a silent
Cheer for us alone. A whistle from me
And a tear of joy.
I want there to be love in our eyes,
And pain in our hearts.
I want us to be stronger and learn from eachother.
I want to be us  *forever.

So few, yet so many.
I'm hungry.
I'm depressed.
I'm sorry.

And yet everything has lost meaning.
Everyone says these things like they don't matter,
And there are others that say them, looking for
Someone to notice the seriousness.

I am depressed- I hate myself. I hate my life. Everything is my fault. I want to die. I have tried to die. I want to try again, but the only thing stopping me is a promise.
I am hungry- I'm trying to eat regularly, but I do not want to. I feel okay, but I don't feel pretty. I feel lime I need to punish myself. I am lost and confused.
I'm sorry- I'm a *****. No matter what you do, you can not save me or help me. I am sick. I am a ****,only been with one man, not anymore, but I still feel the regret and shame we share. I feel guilt from things I've never done. And I do t know how to stop it.

In between is where the ghouls are.
The gnomes, the sprites.
The mischievous ones that give you hell.
Today is a 'tween place.
One day, rest, another day, rest.

Sad day, rest, happy day, rest.

And today is a 'tween place.
I sense bad things. Clumsiness or confusion.

Hopefully tomorrow is better.

This tilted mirror shows what once was
The me I felt most alive in. A small bird perched
On a branch, on my finger, in my hair.
She was always with me.
We are a jilted person.
Disconnected and abandoned.
I am sorry, bird, but I will
No longer hear your song.

Your life is not mine.
And the confusion spreading like flame
Burns me half to death.
But you... You are not a Phoenix.
You aren't allowed to crackle.
Ashes don't come from you, bird.

You just simply die.

I've tried to get over being lied to.
I can't.
I've tried to get through the betrayals and blames,
I can't.
I've tried to get over that fact that I've been talked about and lied about,
But I can't.
I've tried to get past the reasons why I regret so much,
And I can't.
I've tried to get past the hypocrisy and narcissism
And I simply can't.
I've tried to get over the pain of knowing I'd wasted time
And could have had something that makes my entire life complete,
And can't.
I've tried to forget the dreams and wants I used to think were real,
But I can't.
I've tried to work my way through the conflict in my head, but I cant.
I am trying not to hate him, but I can't.

I still feel the same as I did when you hugged me for the first time.
You were so nervous,
Your voice shook.
And you seemed to stand on your toes as if you were trying to fly.

And that was five months ago!
It still feels like yesterday; and to think we've lasted through so much...

In this circumstance, it seems like life is a ****** high school girl who bullies
And ruins people's lives. And we are the weird ones that don't care what she does to us.
We are the karma that will kick her as in the long run.

And we will always be the most awesome couplethe world has ever known.

I am panicking. I am hurt.
Everything I fear will bring me down is returning.
I am shaking and cold, I cry constantly
And the salt leaves small cuts on my face.
I am allergic to myself. The feelings I try to let rain out
Have consequences.
I want to write.
I desperately want to.
But I don't know if I can trust anyone anymore.

Mirrors speak and I see you behind me.
Here I am, standing ****,
Frozen and warm.
Arm twitches and I begin to dance,
Strange sounds emit from your perfect lips.
Beats sound from beneath my breast,
A heart that stopped
(Or almost did).
Twinkling lights shine on my body,
Reflecting from your eyes, dear.
Demonic, angelic voice I sing,
Hypnotized.
And we are bewitched.

writing about #romance to keep from #triggers. lol yolo*

smiling like nothing is wrong when you dreamed about stabbing yourself the night before... #drama #fakebitches

maybe i would be better off dead... nah scars are cooler. #feelingencouraged #pressured